POLISH VERSION

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Może właśnie dziś, patrząc w szarą mgłę,
prosi Boga, żołnierzyku, by zachował cię."

"Maybe it’s today, young soldier,
that looking into the gray mist,
she begs to God, to keep you alive."

Chapter 9. The merciless flow of oblivion.

The straight truth of Petrarch much admired, less well understood sonnets – business school in Ostrowiec, the temporary shelter for 14 teenagers – a time of poverty – new source of financial maintenance and change of surroundings – dreadful calamity nearby – a take on to enroll in a guerilla squad – between life-and-death – might a spiritual love last forever?

A few days later, the 2nd of July 1942, Angus went to Professor Mazzurewicz to take the drivers’ license exam, the theory only. As we saw in the last chapter, in the last year's before the war, this was one of the requirements for completion of the fourth class of the Gimnazium as part of the physics lessons. Admittedly, in present war conditions, it would seem absurd, but not to Mazzurewicz. The old professor was man of kindness, but about high-school programs not only a formalist, but a genuine fanatic, the least deviation to him meant a heresy. Probably with old age, he was becoming a little boneheaded. This matter was only chicken-feed. But the author has described already how much he complicated his student’s life. In fact, pushed him into a deadly danger, all this because of a scrap of paper, altogether useless, which nobody ever demanded.

This time Angus prepared carefully. He knew all about both two- and four-stroke combustion engines of low and high compression, was able to draw charts of deflagration, compare them with the theoretical Carnot cycle and discuss the work efficiency. This including the degree of perfection under any given conditions, and foretelling the influence of temperature. Also, explaining the mechanical arrangements, from the "wheels-within-wheels" differential to the brakes, from the simple pad and lining to the hydraulic cylinders and pipes, their efficiency and ratio. In addition, telling all about the gearbox, the gearshift and changing of gears. As well the electric installation, both of low and high-voltage, had for him no secrets.

On the other hand, if he could ever manage to set any vehicle in motion at all, it was certain he would never achieve a few hundred meters without serious trouble. Probably he would mistake the handbrake for the gearshift and this would be still more safe, compared with other possibilities. In short, before the wheel hid a devil, and this driver did not know how to pinch him, appease him or prick him in the bottom. Anyway, he prepared himself for the theory, and in practice his professor was not any better. The only difference that professor already had tried, but always failed, to get a license himself.

However, he did not find Mazzurewicz indoors and nobody knew when he was due back, probably soon. So Angus decided to wait, went to the garden and sat down in an old summerhouse standing among the high bushes of lilacs and probably jasmine. It was already after the bloom time and he was not sure which was which.

Even in the deep shade it was already hot, so he took off his coat, loosened his tie and next unbuttoned his shirt at the neck and cuffs. He was clad formally, in a white shirt and the marine blue suit, right down to the fountainpen which was in fact preferably a decoration, because he preferred much a pencil or a common pen.

At the beginning, he looked again through the borrowed handbooks, but soon dropped them, wiped sweat from his forehead and sought out a position with a bit more breeze. The heat and buzzing of bees induced him to laziness, not to sleep exactly, more of a daydream.

He saw the old house, the room where they did the lessons, but this time it was neither physics nor math, not any lesson taught by Mazzurewicz. He had before his spirit eyes one of the humanities lessons and the unforgettable, miraculous Mrs. Piesewicz. Well, maybe the change of professor for one more demanding and professional had in fact been necessary and advisable. However, the lessons with Mrs. Piesewicz remained something unrepeatable, to have been alone in her presence an exceptional piece of luck. The best of luck, alas it had lasted so brief a time, a few months only. Maybe it would have been better to ape a cretin, to linger in the second class.

Angus worshipped his teacher with full respect only; he never allowed himself a thought about sex. In moments when he could not control himself, he would alternate his thoughts, concentrating on another object. This first time, he imagined touching only the skin on her hand, feeling its warmth. His organism responded with so strong an erection that he could neither stay straight nor sit down, it was that painful. He thought of something else and with all his might compressed his circular muscles, which for a short time strengthened his erection, but after moment caused fatigue. When he loosened them, the erection elapsed; exactly in time, because soon he heard steps on the footpath.

From the town by a side access to the garden came exactly his goddess. She noticed Angus, approached with a greeting and asked what he was doing here. Angus explained that he was waiting for her father. Mrs. Piesewicz sat down on a bench and asked how he was doing now and how his education was progressing. Angus answered that he at last had managed the problem of the primary school certificate (the mock, phony, bureaucratic, absurd idea, which cost him ending his education for the time being. In fact, resulting in years of delay and complications; not mentioning the total financial loss for the whole family.) Angus mentioned only that he wanted formally end the Gimnazium, for now needing to complete the natural sciences and math.

"And what about the humanities? How are you getting on with Professor Jaruga?"

Angus answered the professor was excellent though demanding, but at the same time he could not cover his sorrow that Mrs. Piesewicz did not want to teach him any longer. He would sell his soul to the devil, to stay on with her a few more months. These were splendid, gorgeous lessons, he never expected in the rest of his life to face anything like this. He could not understand why the only person on whose instruction he so much depended, did not want coach him further. A hundred, a thousand times he had thought about this, long hours he had considered each minute and each event, but he could not fathom what he had done bad.

"After all, you also conduct lessons in the third classes. So why not me, what an offense did I commit? Only please do not say that it was for my best interest. I have already heard that before."

It looked as if Mrs. Piesewicz had been struck dumb for a few seconds, but at last she answered:

"Well, let's talk sincerely. You know that disciples often become enamored with their teachers, the girls with the male teachers, the boys with the females. With me also this happened once, I still remember from my own experience when I was a disciple. However, the teacher has to be objective and to keep level, and if one notices any personal engagement, it is time to change the situation."

"But I never for a moment imagined anything about sex, I only worshipped you and was happy about the spirit contact. Therefore, how could you recognize in me something so low and disgusting that you could not tolerate my presence? Many times I have searched my conscience and could not find any fault, to understand the cause. Why do the people about whom I care most, turn their backs? What faults do I commit?"

"Listen, you are reasoning falsely. First, realize that you are attractive boy - if indeed you still do not know this. If I were a girl of your age and still free, probably I would not resist too long. But I am not only much older, I have a family, a husband on whom I depend and with whom I live happily and a four-year-old son. I thought the position through thoroughly and came to the only reasonable conclusion, better to break this before any complication."

"Besides, you happened to be my top student and it is true that I had taught you as much as I could effectively. It was a great satisfaction, you arrived as a speedy counting machine but apart from that, tabula rasa. And when we came into contact it was a great pleasure, how quickly you caught up other lessons. In short, you became a special to me, one more reason to advance you to a better teacher and I did chose the best. I was happy and proud of my work.

"Surely, you too became fascinated like I did at your age, but do not take it too seriously. It is a natural effect, many students and teachers have had similar experiences, years from now you may remember this with delight, all the dreams and imagination. The firstfruits fall beyond the enclosure."

"Meanwhile, you will find yourself a nice girl, no doubt successfully. This is not trivial; I am not flattering you, I am sure you will be an exceptional good candidate. At the age of fourteen you have almost finished the Gimnazium, despite the war two or three years before your age. You still have a clear run ahead of you and if you continue the tempo, in a year you may make the Matura and start university, an exceptional case. Girls fight for such men tooth and nail. I only hope you may sometime remember your elderly teacher by the side of a beautiful girl, without too much dismay."

"Thank you, I finished the natural sciences and hope shortly to end the third-class in humanities with Professor Jaruga, but there shall be not the fourth and never a full high school education, not too mention a university degree. This is the end of the fairy tales."

"Why? What happened?"

"Yesterday I got a summons from Arbeitsamt. In a week, I face a transport as slave-worker into Germany."

"Jesus, Maria!" Mrs. Piesewicz impulsively seized Angus’ arm. "What do you plan to do?"

Angus felt a deep thrill and over all his body appeared a goose skin. What’s more, without coat and with open shirt, the reaction was fully visible. This consciousness caused a fierce wish to hide under the earth. However he could do nothing and he sat as if paralyzed. Twice he opened his mouth and closed it again, as he felt that any sound he might produce would be unlike any human voice.

He had read and seen in comedy movies, how between lovers jumps an electrical spark, taking this for a funny invention of authors and stage-managers. Now it was not a spark, it was as if a thunderbolt had struck him.

At last, he made an effort to master himself: "One point is certain, I shall never travel to Germany, I shall never work for them, even if I end again in a concentration camp. Father has also said so, one must never do some deeds regardless of outcomes, there are limits."

Well, Angus’ father was not exactly first for seeking danger and if possible, content to be away, but strong about principles, maybe a little boneheaded too. He considered the worst deed to help the enemy in active fighting and the second to work for the enemy, helping him indirectly. To be sure, he had to a bit adjust these principles, as all Polish enterprises came into German hands and even the small ones, like the family farms, had to work for the occupants. He never worked for the railway, a direct part of the German war effort, but had to support the family, working in the sugar factory, which was not much better than in the Ironworks.

Mother shared his opinion, but for another reason. She simply could not agree to so much wrong happening to her son, never.

Anyway, millions of Poles had to accept the only chance of survival. Surely the compulsory slave work in Germany was one of the most hated, but not exactly equivalent with a death sentence as some considered, if dangerous. A little more than half of the deported survived and with luck came back, or emigrated after the war, as Poland after the "victory" fell under its second, longer occupation. Angus with his standards would never stand a chance; he was willing instead to try an illegal status. He hoped, now came for him the time to join the professional conspiracy, the active fight.

However, most distinctly, Mrs. Piesewicz did not share his enthusiasm; on the contrary, she was badly concerned. He tried to explain, that all this is mere nothing. More so, that he had dreamed about just such an occasion, pressing for bold decision. It was a shame that in such historic times a young man lived so quietly, not sharing in his people’s war effort and danger.

Women are strange; at first surprised at his strong reaction she had slowly removed her hand, but now caught him again with both hands. Again, this startled him, he began to stutter, repeat the same again, to lose the sense of his arguments.

After a moment he suddenly took hold of her other arm, pushed himself nearer on the bench and told the essence:

"Whatever happens or does not happen to me has no importance. The only that counts is this moment and that it may last a little longer, not end just now."

Mrs. Piesewicz answered that if so, he must not strangle her there and then, so confused, he let her go, but only as before, held her arm with both hands.

She tried explaining to him:

"Listen, this is precisely the scenario which I tried to avoid. I value you much and care about you, but I already explained, that I have family and am happy in love. I would gladly do much for you, but not all. To save you disappointment, could we settle the matter so, you accept me as an older sister, or second mother?"

"Brrr," shuddered Angus, "that would be horrible; I would suspect myself of inclination to incest, or the Oedipus complex. I apologize; I spoke before thinking, stupid. However, I give my word, swear that I never allowed myself even to think of sex, or any improper manner. You taught me, blind and mute before, to distinguish the beauty of words and languages, which I never suspected. However, you are yourself the perfect essence of beauty, not only in the physical sense. A single sentence, or motion, or only thought of you is more than enough for me, many times what I felt was so strong I almost choked. That was the most painful, sending me away you ended the most happy and beautiful period of my life, it shall never return."

"I am sorry I misunderstood your spiritual love, but I tried to act for your best. I could not anticipate the future; if I had been able to do so, I would have continued to teach you for the next month's. But be your age, this is normal in life, it all comes to some end. What I care about now is your future. I have seen some tragedies, but could not stand this one. You became my best and special student, if you do not survive, it would mean a calamity to me. I see your attitude and consider it unsatisfactory, if one comes into danger with a devil-may-care attitude, he often perishes. Please, try to survive and continue your education later. I know you and would never suggest you should avoid what you think your duty, nor ever act dishonorably, if I were to advise you so, it would be a waste of time. Only remember, there are people who care about you much and would be unhappy, if you die."

However, they talked at cross-purposes. When Angus tried to explain his theory about the age of fourteen, at which boys became able to fight, she got unreasonably angry. She called it nonsense, comparing it to a butcher who chooses the calves ready for slaughter. And she deserved a straight answer, whether he agreed to take care of himself or not. If he continued the rigmarole, she would go away now and would only regret, she met and allowed so much sympathy to a boy, who only now was showing his true nature, ignoring other people, egotistical. Maybe she too make some mistakes, if she had known, she would have taught him a little longer, but she wanted to act properly, in his best interest. Anyway, as he self said, the question of sex never arose, it was only sympathy, mental contact and spiritual union. If so, he should feel satisfied now, knowing she shared all this.

Angus caught at the opportunity to continue the subject:

"Yes, but that was before I touched you. I still could never dare even to think about an intercourse, I would be like a sacrilege to goodness. This is a holy truth; I know how unworthy, inferior I am. But if only I could take you once in my arms, skin to skin, flesh to flesh – you noticed the unlikely shock that penetrated me just now, by the first contact. If I could feel your touch again with my whole body – for a few seconds, well, a minute or a half, it would change the whole world for me. I swear I dream of nothing more, my life would be a happy one and the memory of this happiness would remain with me forever. If I became a king or emperor, or raised to the sky, or dropped to hell, suffering thousands of years, it would be of no importance, the spark of your touch would remain the highest delight."

Angus spoke still more, he never was so eloquent, could not remember afterwards the words, but Mrs. Piesewicz became distinctly moved. She suddenly stood up and said:

"Well, I believe you, you were always an honest John. You have a bargain, I will do what you say, but do not expect more than I can give, this would be only a disappointment for both of us. I care strongly about you, but another way. So, you may have what you said and I want you take care and survive, at least try it for my sake and afterwards to continue your education, do we have a deal? So, strip now and I will too."

After a second she added: "Only, if this would not spoil it for you, please, turn your back."

Angus became stunned speechless. He had spoken in desperation, expecting to be turned down in disgrace. However, Mrs. Piesewicz was an unpredictable idealist.

He had heard her students say that in the campaign of 1939, fresh after her studies, she had volunteered to the Field Hospital and in the expeditions after the wounded stood out for courage. It was said that once she shield bodily one of the wounded the German soldiers were about to shoot.

It is a story the author knows only from hearing, not direct. But the story was, supposedly the Germans found by him some motorcycle trinkets. Now, as the Germans attacked the Polish Army Prusy days before the mobilization data (delayed on demand of the Allies’ ambassadors), the Polish Commander in Chief sent there a small support. Beside several special envoys, there was a small crack group of his guards, two platoons of motorcyclists with the mission to delay the German progress. They did this efficiently, laying a trap in which they destroyed many tanks and because of this, the Germans of the light armored divisions of General Hoth murdered all of them. One of many war crimes which the German general allowed without any formalities.

Anyway, she stood before the muzzles of the guns and finally got him out alive, but he died after a few days in hospital. But he engaged too much and this ended with a serious sickness and her baby got sick too, she had to back out from the hospital about a month before Angus came there. This event nobody could mention in her house or presence.

After this, she took to teaching, first privately, and from 1940 as assistant professor in the secret Gimnazjum. She taught Latin and Polish Language in the first classes, but conducted these lessons rather unconventionally. Never a routine, she allowed and even encouraged any opinions, if only the student was able to present a sound foundation. She supplied much information, never mind the official curriculum. Her lessons turned often into free discussions without any limits, Hyde Park like. About her brilliant intelligence, see before.

That this wonderful miracle of humankind agreed now to his plea, seemed unreal, as in sleep. Angus tore off the shirt he had loosened because of the torrid heat, which he had forgotten to correct. Somewhere in the back of his head blinked a memory of Stach joking, as they passed a place pressed out in a field of grain. The older colleague jested, that a true gentleman puts on the earth his coat and only on this his lady (the people here were much more hot-tempered than in Greaterpoland). Impulsively, he placed his suit and shirt in the corner of the summerhouse sheltered by bushes. The place was invisible from all sides. Only if someone stepped into the summerhouse, could look in there from above.

Angus never looked direct at Mrs. Piesewicz, respecting her wish. Anyway, he was half conscious, concentrated on the first shock of contact, the sparks, the lightning, the whole tempest of thunders. Next followed a powerful current, electric, magnetic or maybe a flow of phlogiston, ether or radiance, whatever it was, as their bodies met. From this moment, he wanted only to remain so, cheek to cheek, he never tried to kiss her, only adhered like a limpet, from the face to the feet. He felt a power of some energy, the mysterious force sticking together the elementary particles of bodies, proportional in reverse not to the square, but some higher power of distance. In one moment he would swear it to be resonance, in the second some astral power, in the third believed in the old Greek legend about the torn away halves finding themselves as a whole.

But he still did not feel united, a great happiness, he remained incomplete.

He asked with breaking voice: "Could I for a brief moment enter inside? I promise to do nothing, not move; I want only to feel a full contact."

"Can you manage to do that? You know that I cannot do more, the whole intercourse."

"I will hold my word. I swear on my head, on my life, I will perish, if..."

"Do not talk so, never, it is enough."

They changed position, before they lay side by side, now Angus located on top, and his partner took in his member. Angus concentrated on not imposing a too heavy burden of his full weight on the angel of woman, he had no experience and after a time holding himself on fingers and toes became difficult. In fact this effort was unnecessary, caused by lack of experience.

But this distraction and feeling of gratitude and tenderness allowed for more self-control. Nevertheless he wished with all his soul to push in at least once. He remained without any motion by a self-rule, only began to tremble constantly, his heart beat madly and he lacked air. His blood pressure probably crossed any record, but for a young and healthy body this was no problem, if for an older man it could be dangerous. Anyway this was of no importance, keeping one’s word was necessary, survival not. Did he not hear something like this in the Latin lessons? O yes... "vivere non est necesse...." (living is unimportant).

He was not sure how good or bad his eyesight was, because the distance was too short to see distinctly and anyway it was better to close the eyes. But he heard a ringing in his ears, and for short fractions of seconds, perhaps lost consciousness.

It was a strange illusion, as if he hovered up over to the ceiling, pierced it and then the next and the following, or rode in a lift, with every alternating floor being a new world. The radiance or wonderful form of energy still accompanied him.

All the time he remembered preserve the inertness, not to move, at any cost – and succeeded, as promised. Although he would sell his soul for one move, he could not deceive the endless, unearthly goddess, the angel-lady who trusted him. It would be better to die hundreds of times – what a stupid nonsense and revoltingly egoistic, she was right about him. Rather, it was time to retire now; she already had done for him all she could. But he could not, let’s forget this for a few seconds more, may this moment last still!

While he hovered so on the brink of existence, in full inertness, well, in the physical sense, because mentally he still at mad speed pierced new ceilings and new universes, suddenly he felt more. In the space which he occupied, he experienced a feeble, light contraction. This hardly perceptible, but unexpected sensation bounced all his being; he changed now to a plane falling down with terrible speed. He beat his hands and legs in the earth and tried to remain still, but it made no difference. He had passed all worlds, but now going down and down, he seized all his forces, but despite his greatest effort he plunged slowly in the ocean of unlikely, heavenly bliss, that clasped gradually all his body. Still a couple of seconds more before he exploded and exactly in the moment it seemed, nothing more might a human being experience, he felt again the light contraction.

This time the effect of butterfly wings caused not a distant cyclone, according to the theory of chaos. Instead it finally threw Angus in the out-of-the-world orbit, toward the sun.

Whatever the people say, whatever theories presented the professional medicine, sexual satisfaction is first a function of state of mind. Angus had zero experience, neither knowledge nor expertise, to say it exact, he did not know what and how a man does with a woman. More so, he was already on a sidetrack, familiar and already conditioned to masturbation, another way of arousing, impulses and following physical act. In short, not only zero, but a cipher seriously in minus.

What’s more, no matter of knowledge or experience, he and his partner did literally nothing, except for perhaps some involuntary and ignorant reflexes. Nevertheless, the delight, well, the ecstasy he survived not only exceeded infinitely anything so far, but also in his further life. Also Mrs. Piesewicz told him, the moment came for her unexpected too and rarely strong. And after his first, great love ended, he tried to repeat the experience, searched for and learned many a sophisticated methods and people, all in vain.

Maybe it is the question of finding the right person, only a few couples fit exactly, first attraction, beauty is not enough. After many years, as an old man, Angus in the mentioned second language school met in Torrance, CA a young woman who may have had the possibilities. A young Brazilian beauty preferred his company, sat next to him by the table and they became good pals, maybe she felt safe and easy with an elderly. At one point, in some general discussion she asked him something which he did not hear and to call his attention, laid her hand on his. Unexpectedly he felt the same spark, even goose skin, she must also have felt something, because she got confused and at the next lesson changed her place. He did exactly nothing, an elderly man could not chase a young girl, it would be not only improper, but worse, comic. So there followed not any experience, but the electric spark, or whatever, could not be mistaken. So maybe he met there a second chance, much too late.

In short maybe it was the so-called biological trap, beyond any expertise, experience or skill. But if this exists at all, it must happen exceptional rare. This is logical, as it would lay not in the interests of evolution, too dangerous. Angus was in his prime youth, yet it was a longtime before he came to consciousness, returning a long way back.

Yet when he recovered, at first it was with despair and shame, he had deceived his dearest person, had broken his promise. He wanted to say so, not to exculpate, because there could be no exculpation, nor excuse, but to express his sorrow.

But Mrs. Piesewicz hugged him strongly and whispered: "Do not talk; remain as you are a moment."

He heard but could not grasp, not believe that she forgave him. Again he clung to her and felt the gorgeous near contact, the bliss, the radiance, still penetrating her. Alas, also some hindrance. He was all wet, as taken from the water, still perspiring freely, even though he had not moved at all. From his face, forehead and nose dropped sweat, he tried to turn a little away so this happened aside, but one drop fell direct in the woman’s eye. She shuddered, the sorcery passed.

Angus began again – "I do not deserve a pardon..."

But his love intercepted: "What for? You behaved like a knight without blame, miraculous. To the last you never have any guilt, never. If anyone, it was my responsibility, I being a nature, experienced woman and you an inexperienced boy. But even I, fully mature and besides a doctor of medicine, competent in the reactions of the human body, never supposed something like this possible. I never heard or read about a similar case. It started from compassion, I wanted to give you exactly what you asked, but no more, I felt your honorable fight with yourself, impressive. Then, I do not understand what happened; we came into the hand of irresistible force. Maybe it was the touch of God; He created and conducted us just for this moment. Or maybe Satan strained to impel us to sin. Whichever, it was something exceptional, like a miracle and I do not feel guilt, nobody has anything to begrudge."

Gradually these gorgeous words came to Angus, ending with a kiss. This again a shock, because this was not a lip kiss, the only way he until now had kissed, but, speaking Homer’s words, a kiss behind "the barrier of teeth." Before fatigued to finish, he again felt his virility.

Yet his beloved partner begged him, "Do not spoil this unique moment, it would be now a mortal sin. Before, we did not want it, if at all it was only a minor sin, it happened without our intent and premeditation, even knowledge. But if we did this again, nothing could excuse us. Anyway, such happiness could not repeat, you would find only disappointment."

Angus could not catch the meaning, but instinctively he felt terrified. What sin, what conscience? This was the most beautiful, happiest peak of his life. It is possible, she believes in all the nonsense, similar to such as two years ago almost destroyed his spirit and life, pushing him to almost to suicide?

"What do you speak of?"

"Beloved, this can never happen again, we have to move apart and never meet. Please, try to understand. I am not a Catholic, as your church forgives easily, is soft and more tolerant. I am orthodox, we treat such affairs harsh. A sinner has to condemn himself and all the community condemns him too, they pray for him but it is not easy to get an absolution. You probably do not understand, we grew in different worlds, but this is my faith and I neither can, nor want to change this. Do you want to push into hell already here, on earth, a woman who foolishly surrendered to love and overstepped the limits? Because this is a love indeed, the thought of the future breaks my heart, but I cannot live with you, and meeting you would be too much. I want to meet you much, but it may happen in another world, or we may have more luck in another life. I am unable to live with you in sin.

"There is still another angle, think practical. Do you expect, if we now, mad, throw all away and try to escape and live together, we could find someplace where it would be possible? No hope, the people would never allow us, they would bite us to death. Each would consider it his right and duty to persecute us. We would fall to the bottom and perish there, the last being the mutual hate, we would curse one another."

This conversation continued a lot longer, rather chaotic, but he could contradict nothing. A moment before the gates of heavens stood open, now they closed forever, he saw only the bottom of despair. In his own head Angus heard the words of ancient verse to which he, poor fool, had not paid not due attention, considering it rather artificial, pretentious, of no substance, even pompous:

Over thousands of years, there have lived billions of people, exhausting every possible recombination of couples. The sonnets had nothing to do with any artificial event. Petrarch described simple truth, a real happening with genuine, if anything, too spare words. Rather, he economized the expression, was too modest.

How many people had shared the same experience or one different only in secondary details? One in a million? Surely not. One in ten million? Unlikely. One in a hundred million? Maybe, or a little more. They all felt the same despair and pain, poured similar tears.

Suddenly flashed a thought: "What if we shall have a baby?"

"We shall not. Remember, I am not only mature woman, but also a doctor of medicine. I know I am in the infertile cycle now. Even if under influence of extraordinary intense bliss occurred an extra ovulation, this takes time. I would know what to do in such a case. But anyway, I give my word that in such an event I shall somehow to pass the message.

"Come now, beloved, don't bid good-bye and don't even turn round, because it will make it for us only more difficult. I believe that God sent us this destiny and I will pray for you."

The words scalded, he did not deserve so much, Angus went out from the garden, but did withdraw far. He dropped for a moment by the hedge among the grasses and in a second was asleep.

He waked quickly, maybe one hour had elapsed, about midday, however at first unconscious, could not remember where he was and what he was doing. The memory returned and he was sure he could not now return home, he had to be alone. First he had to come to terms with himself, to think it over. He could be mistaken for a drunk, speaking to him. Passing round the house where he lived, he crossed Sands Street and plunged in the forest opposite. But it was a cultivated forest and he could expect to meet people there, probably familiar ones, living nearby. Further on, along the road to Starachowice, adhered a ribbon of young forest, in part a private property, detached. Next the ground sank. He jumped the roadway and went down on the moist, sometimes soggy meadows, stretching to Romanów.

If in a hurry, he could go there in about one hour, but he walked slowly, thinking, daydreaming, discussing with himself. For one brief moment he saw the gates to paradise open, but soon they closed. This one moment had to do for his whole life. But it was not easy to imagine the rest of life.

He still felt a sense of guilt, he had been unable to keep his word, he had disappointed an angel, but partially he believed in what this angel told him. For a short time they both became only pawns in the hand of a supernatural power, could not oppose the higher force. A powerful current like a waterfall snatched them and carried them past the point of no return, further than they had intended and wanted. So maybe her words were just and the guilt not so bad.

But Angus with deeply implanted male chauvinism believed firmly the final responsibility rests solely on the man, automatically. So, he could not feel like a blameless knight, but one who made a miserable mess of his goals. On the other hand, he could not regret, but rather thanked God on his knees for the greatest favor of his life, which was a heavy sin.

At the bottom of his memory there was something, yes, an old song from 1863, when Russia tried to undo the anticipated Polish rising by compulsory youth recruitment. Angus and his colleagues, silly boys, hummed this song in a comical manner, with exaggeration, never thinking about the tragic background. Now he could tell himself – why the foolish laugh, what did you find so funny?

Only now he got the gist of it, not pleasant, the man using the sentimental woman for his pleasure by telling her of an expected fatality. It was as if they said – "morituri te salutant." If he did alike, appealing to her mercy, knowing her noble heart and impulsive nature, this was a bad mess indeed. He should feel shame to the end of his life, crawl under the earth and never show himself to her eyes. What a cheap scenario: the hero tells the angel of mercy of imminent death and she does everything to sweeten his last moments.

But honestly, such a thought had never appeared in his head. Well, it should have, a lack of intelligence is not an excuse. Even if, with thousands of years and billions of people, some behavior patterns repeat, this does not mean they are all the same.

Agreed, a summons to slave work in Germany was a serious treat, if not exactly as bad as supposed, a great part of DP returned alive. Far-off from total loss, maybe only forty percent never came back. Mrs. Piesewicz, without trace of any egoism, even that most natural and necessary, the last of the species of enthusiasts, reacted according to her nature. Spontaneous and rash, an easy prey to his wicked, if involuntary deception, she wanted to protect him against depression and despair. Paradoxically, he never considered his survival, only now, after the peak of his life, could he repeat Tristan’s words: "Now, may came death."

However, the utmost importance was the memory of the overwhelming moment, the contact with the supernatural might, which, he hoped, they both had felt. The millions of people never had had such an experience. Now, which would be better, to spend a normal, common life, or enter heaven once and then pay for this with everlasting thirst and longing? After all, the chance of a second miracle was null and-void, almost zero.

At last after all the deliberations, he decided. It would be impossible that they could never meet; to this, he would never give up, if it took his whole life. Maybe after many years, as an old, gray man he could bow his head to the knees of an elderly lady. As matter of fact, the meaning of old was relative, Angus considered a man of thirty to be old, of fifty as too old, he never expected to exceed this limit.

However, was he sure the memory would last? The only precious gem that remained with him, nobody could take. "If I ever forget you... do let me, God, forget my right arm." But better not pronounce this in a bad hour. He had seen people who had forgotten indeed more than their right arm. This would be appalling; he did not want to live such a moment, in which he could lose this remembrance. Other people, before him, had felt the same.

An old and beautiful poem of Provence troubadours, but alas, false. Like the modern poets, the troubadours exaggerated, there is no way to stop time. The most desperate decision, neither prayers nor pleas, dreams nor wish, mutiny – can affect this. Even if after many years one is still able remember the correct facts, the inner light, meaning, the true importance disappears. Even remaining, it will be not the same. However, maybe this is the great charity of God, without which life would be unbearable.

Coming cross-country through the wet meadows cut with many ditches, Angus reached a canal taking water to the smelting works with footpaths along both sides. He turned right, toward the dam and the Romanov bridges. He had been there before and bathed in the waters. In Romanov, the river Kamienna crowded up against a wooden dam, divided by eight broad gates which could raise with the aid of hand-operated mechanic cranks. At its height the water could rise to six meters, on average it would be about four meters to the bottom. On top of the dyke and the dam construction was a road with a wooden bridge. Just before the dam and the bridge, there was a row of wedge-shaped protectors from wood trams with iron framework behind and metal bars in front, to keep away the floating ice in winter. Over these protectors had been built a narrow footbridge a couple of meters higher than the road bridge, accessible by stairs with a handrail only on one side, as indeed was the case for the whole footbridge. Below the water, the protective construction gradually progressed to the bottom slanting at such an angle the oncoming ice would lifted upwards the current.

Before the dam, the river created a long flooded area, an artificial lake, surmounted a kilometer away by a railroad bridge made from steel crates on high stone pillars. Near both bridges, the long lake narrowed, but the strip of flooded area stretched behind, forming a second, shorter lake. Toward the dam and road bridge, the lake also narrowed to about sixty meters, but was deeper. Sided by a wooden timbering, it stepped down almost straight down, with a flat parapet of thick boards backed by a belt of embankment covered with grass.

Now, in the summer, in the dam only one gate, rarely two remained open and only in part, about half a meter up, rarely a whole meter. The water pressed from the bottom of the higher lake, plucked like a white, frothed tongue first in the short betony corridor between the barriers. Next it fell on the wooden platform by the support of the dam and bridge, flowing to the lower reservoir. This was oval, surrounded by sandy beaches, more than a hundred meters broad and maybe three hundred meters long. From this place the river, containing most of its water, flowed quietly away. The white tongue of the injected water, commencing as a strong current, spread gradually in the smaller lake and lost its intensity after some hundred meters, causing a weak back current along both sides. The water became well oxygenated and clear, with a slight greenish color. The sandy beaches, broad opposite the dam to several dozen meters, reminded one of a genuine sea beach, only the sand was darker and the bushes growing behind the dune different.

The site was built for industry, to supply the water for the smelting works. Before the dam, from the higher lake, the needed part of the water flowed into a canal, delivering it to the foundries. Kamienna was a whimsical river of variable level, therefore the dyke and the lakes ensured a reserve and a stable supply, independent of the river content. The canal to the Works had a steady, uniform fall, with a trapezoidal diameter of about six meters at the top, narrowing to about four at the bottom and a depth of over two meters.

The flow could be steady at forty thousand tons by hour, for a short time double that. However, beside the industry use, the lakes became the main local bathing place. Of course, the people swam also in many places along the river, some bathed even in the canal, although this was prohibited. The employees, doing maintenance and cleaning, reported it could be dangerous, because at the bottom one could step on a broken bottle and cut himself on glass. Probably also fairy tales were intended to discourage the unwanted amateurs. By the main river, one could often see bathers camping on the flood walls and taking baths down to the town. Romanov was long way from the town; Angus, living on the outskirts nearest to the lakes, had to walk about one hour in a hurry, or half an hour longer, going slow, in the summer sun a hot business.

Until now he had gone there always in his father's company. But this time he was in the lower lake before he had time to think all over. Angus had never learned to swim, although mimicking often as if he could, floating on the water a few meters, but only if he knew the water was not too deep to feel the bottom. In fact, if he could support his leg on the firm ground. Attracted nonetheless by water, he spent all his holidays near some lake, soaking for hours. However, Mother never allowed him to enter the deepwater, because she could not swim and was afraid for her only child. Father supposedly was able to hold himself in the water, but expressed doubt if he would be able to support anyone. Admittedly, he promised to coach his son, but never did, and in shallow water the teaching was no good. Therefore, Angus passed by the deep, greater lake and went for the lower, smaller one with a shallow, sandy bottom. Well, so it was near the sandy dunes, but near the dam, the speedy water washed away the bottom. Along there it got deeper and deeper, only the wooden parapet protected the ground near the construction.

The higher lake attended about twenty people, a few swam, others sat on the banks, but the majority took the sun, stretched on the planks of the footbridge. By the lower lake nobody sat nor looked, so it was not necessary to beware of women. Usually only children bathed there, but it was still too early, they would arrive after dinner in care of mothers or adults. He had not any bathing suit, but he could go in the water in his underwear and next take this off in the bushes, it was unbearably hot. Only one water gate was open, releasing a white, foaming stream, which scattered after about hundred meters, followed by fifty meters of strong current, next the water became calm. In a moment he was already in the water, before anyone came he had time to spare to change. From a distance nobody could tell the difference, underwear or bathing suit.

Usually he would stop before the first trunk, the rows of mighty oak poles driven into the bottom to direct the streams to the outlet and prevent any whirlpools. The ten-meter rows of pilings ended around the middle of lake, the depth changed, if the water flow there, it moved some sand away, if not, the bottom was higher. Angus usually progressed till the water approached his head, occasionally he could catch the first pole, if not, the water movement would take him safely back. Today, he suddenly came on the idea, if he were to take a deep breath earlier, the supply of air would be enough to move the few meters and to catch the next post. Ten meters is not a long-distance. Already before the notion to try his force had occurred to him, but now he was sure he had a reasonable chance and would succeed.

The air in the lungs theoretically should do for a couple of minutes, sure more than one. By this time, even if he walked under the water, he could reach the next pole. The only risk could be if, disoriented, he might lose his self-control and start incoherent movements. But he had the confidence he would never panic. This task would be easy, a mere trifle.

He took some deep breaths and pushed himself away from the first piling to the next. About half of the distance he covered quick and easily but then he lost speed and moved slowly. The last meter or two were the worst, he had to work against the current, if not exactly strong there, and did so with extreme engagement, but his technique was all wrong. His propulsion resulted only from handwork, the legs coming down became almost vertical, which of course made the resistance stronger. Feeling nothing but deepwater under him he became afraid, most of all that he might really panic. He was near the next trunk, but still could not reach it and moved only by centimeters, spending his last reserves and the last oxygen in his lungs, almost stopping now. If he gave up, the water would take him back, but surely he could not hold his breath much longer. He almost stopped to see by now, would choke in the water, there would be only the wild motions and final panic. But at last he seized solid wood in his hands and could take the air. For a few minutes he aired his lungs, then it was time to mobilize himself to come back, which seemed now not so simple. But there were no problems, he had work not against, but with the current and if it came to the worst, it could be only a few seconds before he would land in shallow water. He did not overdraw the limit of his strength as before and in fact, after having done so, the task now seemed easy.

He felt splendid and would be glad to try again. Well, or for a change, instead of swimming, fly in the air, but told himself, enough is enough and decided to return home. He dressed without any interference, the beach being still empty and went on his way.

A small doing, not in the least important. However it relieved the strain and changed his view of the world. What he did was stupid, if he had drowned there, it would be a bad shock for the woman he loved and for his own family, he had acted irresponsibly. He deserved, what, to be dead? But then, it would be not punishment for him but for his dearest. He was not himself, he had acted foolish, imbecile, should feel guilty, so why instead did he now feel on the top of the world?

Angus was not sure of his motives, but they could not be reasonable. If anything, they reminded him of people drunk. He hated alcohol, maybe his organism did not tolerate it, like his father. Or maybe it was Mother’s doing, she at every opportunity made him smell and take a drop. She stressed the point, a gentleman may not like strong drink, but at least should have the knowledge and recognize what is what. However, never before the war did he see people drinking exactly the worst alcohols and losing their mind, ability, logic and reason. If the passing danger could have a similar effect, well, there may be some satisfaction in this, but this was even more idiotic. He resolved never again to seek danger just to enjoy its passing.

Considering everything, he should feel shame and guilt, but felt instead a light heart and the beauty of the world. He could not think now of his greatest problem, the great love, but he would think about it later. After his ability of clear reasoning returned. But one fact was sure: they would meet again. Never mind when, maybe after a long life, he would put his head on the old woman’s knees. No way to anticipate anything, but of this he was certain, this could not be a partition forever. As long as he lived he would continue to hope, more, he felt this belief with all his mind and spirit.

If he was guilty of being unable to feel remorse, at least he should compensate for this by improving himself from now on. Maybe he was not such a flabby ox, a failure of a boy, as he imagined. Beginning now he would take physical exercise, learning and training to swim. He had begun and dropped various exercises before, but he felt attracted by the water and resolved to practice often, every day. He had found the exercise which would be a real pleasure and exactly what he needed, an ideal path to body development, health and strength. He felt enthusiastic about this, more so as this was his own achievement, he swam today only by his own effort, nobody had to teach him. In a couple of years, he would be a different man. Fit and strong, he would be able to perform more.

He returned home late, but somehow managed to explain to the alarmed parents that he had waited long and without success for Professor Mazzurewitsh. Then half dead from the heat, went to Romanov to cool off and bathe, for a moment shut his eyes and somehow, the evening came.

One of the few good resolutions which he managed to realize. All the next day's he visited Romanov and tried to swim, as well as he could. This after the final hours of Polish Language lessons, the Latin he had already finished earlier. Now Professor Jaruga judged his Polish as good, but still insisted on some correction. The main defect was the lack of feeling the spirit of poetry and to overcome this, Angus should learn by heart a long collection of poems. But still much worse was, he should be able next to deliver them as if he understood and felt the soul of the words.

Agreed, in the last three years, after Angus had tried to brew a few childish rhymes (probably subconscious plagiarism), he stopped and lost interest in poetry. In the grammar school he only once memorized a long verse, Marathon by Kornel Ujejski. The subject of this took his imagination and so he managed to display some feeling, it was spontaneous, genuine indeed. But now with Professor Jaruga, it was another kettle of fish. Jaruga was like an Olympic God, who lowered himself to the little ones. But not so low to suffer a bad performance; he appraised harshly even small faults. The memorizing was not enough; he demanded perfection. And one had to admit, he got results.

For a couple of weeks Angus, after the Polish lessons, went with a book to the lower lake, neither engaging an acquaintance, nor even conversation, but only trained in swimming the short distances from one post to another. Meanwhile he memorized the verses, or alternated learned poems by heart and training in swimming. At first, it was plain dabbling, but rather quickly he learned use the capacity of his lungs to float on the water. Next he noticed that a horizontal position instead of vertical, taking his legs up, speeded up the progress.

Often before or after the lessons, he met Stach and Stephen, who went to Professor Jaruga, but they learned already the fourth class. So no work together, only amicable contacts and from time to time a game of chess. When Angus mentioned how many poems he has to learn, they both exploded with laughter and told him he should feel lucky, being one class back. If he was in the fourth, he would have to learn many a verse in Latin. Professor Jaruga was known for his devotion to poetry and many a pupil became almost rabid, unable to learn long Latin verses. There was a rumor, many learned Publius Ovidius Naso Transformations, beating his head on the wall, to feel and catch the rhythm. So he should be happy with only a few pieces from Mickiewicz and Słowacki, at least he understand the words and the rhymes were natural and expressing them rather easy. In Latin, he would have not only preserve the correct accent, but the changes caused by the rhythm, even more, the rhythm deformed the sounds, cut and again united the words in different ways, incomprehensible as normal speech. You have to guess what might be the meaning – so much for correct expression.

It happened that after finishing the third class, after overcoming the bad shock, Angus continued to memorize verses, for his own satisfaction. The reflex remained, but he could choose something after his own heart, and this was the lion’s part of the Odyssey and a few fragments of the Iliad. Later he added some poems of Asnyk and Anczyc. Even when swimming (rather slow and bad style) he repeated:

or

Or again

(This was from a philosophical poem of Asnyk. The universe vanishes by every intake of breath by Buddha and next recommences, appears again). To the end of life he took the custom of reciting these and other verses, in moments of hardship or hopelessness, or only insomnia.

On the 18th of July 1942, Angus tried to push through the young people clustered around the door on which was posted the register with names of the students, accepted to Business School in Ostrowiec. It was the results of the competitive exam which had taken place about midway through the month.

Mother had acted in the most effective if simple manner. She went to the Arbeitsamt taking with her the paper commanding Angus to the forced labor in Germany and talked with the German chief in the perfect Berliner accent, slipping him at the suitable moment an envelope stuffed with banknotes. From this moment all ran smoothly, Germany through the mouth of its proxy agreed that if Angus managed the exam, he could continue to professional school.

This was the informal part, next Angus had to appear personally before the magistrate and answer questions. Throughout the interview, he sat stiff and used as few words as he could, not one more than necessary. He could not show his deep hate, looking at the mortal enemy, and contempt for corrupt scum. A slave in front of his warden.

On the terrain of German occupation, Polish children had to attend only the preparatory schools designed to service the Germans. The occupants decided they neither needed, nor were allowed any more education. The same reason for which the murders concerned chiefly the well-educated folks, they should be rid of first.

However, as a few professional schools prepared for concrete professions, some slaves needed more special education. In Ostrowiec, one of these prepared workers for the metalwork's and iron smelting furnaces, it was a three-year school, combining the learning with many workshop practice. Besides, there was a business school, preparing the clerks and lower personnel for German institutions, two years training only, but without workshop. Mother thought this would better suit her son.

Angus had good hopes of having passed the exam, at least the first part, in arithmetic. He dove in immediately, after the dictation of the problems wrote the results and only then added a short algorithm, one line, how he had come up with the answer. With the training his father had given him two years ago, the paper was unnecessary; he did all the calculations in his head. When he returned the sheet, the teacher asked him why he was giving up, not even trying. "I finished it all already," he answered.

The next day was a short orthography test and next a composition describing a businessperson. Angus presented a rare type of merchant, gloomy and misanthropic, with no wish for future potential, but simply committing no errors. Any risky enterprises always turned out satisfactorily, however he never got any satisfaction from them. He wanted another occupation in life, he wanted to get into science, but doom caused him to alter his plans. Angus was a little disturbed, maybe he had written without care, the idea showed a lack of enthusiasm for his future career and might unnecessarily harm his chances.

"What is your name?" - asked a boy beside. "Aha, you should look not at the end, but right at the beginning of the register." Angus looked and saw his name written separately right at the top. That was why he had missed it. He had passed the exam with distinction and had been rewarded with acceptance straight into the second class. It was a dubious prize, instead of two years’ cover, he had found protection from Arbeitsamt only for a year.

Presumably all was now well resolved, but there was some complications. The ransom paid by Angus’ mother had achieved a good result, but undercut the base of the material conditions of the whole family. Admittedly, this resulted from many causes and already had been a problem, but until now not so dramatically. They treated the current sad plight, if a little better or worse, as temporary. After all, finally Germany had to lose the war, about this there could not be any doubt, and then all would be as before. Somehow, we will endure, stay alive that long. Nobody could imagine the eventuality that they would never recover anything, and even worse, at the German retreat, they would lose what little they had saved. The only difference would be, this second robbery happened not, as the first, in full lawless majesty of the German Reich, but merely at the hands of a crowd of German soldiers, not organized, but equally brutal. Besides, the shock was not so severe, they had already had the earlier experience.

Even the most pessimistic, or rather sober mother, had only doubts, of how long there was yet to endure. And if all the robbed possessions should actually became recovered. "I will not believe in compensation, before I see it," she said. After WW I, the French also hoped for reparations, Germany had pledged duties, but had not come through. All the other wronged had no chance at all.

Father and Angus did not share these concerns. After all, what had happened to them was so outrageous, shocking, unacceptable, unfair not only according to international law, but with any civilized norms and justice, the world could not tolerate such precedents. It would be equivalent to letting the bandits set up laws; the fundamentals of justice would be uprooted. Well, there happened outright robbery in the time of war. However, not months after the fighting stopped, after setting up the civilian administration. Impossible that people could be dispossessed of all they had without any legal procedure, without any legal trial, however false or unjust. Simply by administrative decision communicated in person, never written, no papers at all, only armed force without window dressing. Even in the dark ages after the fall of the Roman empire, or the Saxon invasion of England, or the Norman takeover, the barbaric invaders took a part, usually one third, of the people’s possessions. Even the Bolsheviks at least theoretically recognized private property, with exception of production means or excessive wealth, which they claimed they could expropriate in the so-called public interest. Clearly, it was plain hypocrisy, but Germany never even tried hypocrisy, it was a straightforward, all-out robbery.

Anyway, to be sure, the Germans took nothing away, only the people. They did not rob anything, but took them from their houses or apartments or farms, put them into a concentration camp, not for death exactly, only to cool off the indignation. Feeling the shock and fear, they were transported off as far as possible. The transport performed in cattle carriages closed with barbed wire, like animals transported to the slaughterhouse. This was the psychological pressure, to highlight they should be happy to come away with their life, never protest, recalling human laws or demand back any property, cause any trouble, in fear for their lives; a simple terrorism.

They left no documents, acts of confiscation, certificates of contribution or requisition. Neither registers, inventory, legal rulings, decrees, nothing on paper, a simple action of armed banditos. Father judged that even in CCCP, evil and mean, based on false laws, something like this could never happen. Well, communism did not act any better, but at least there would exist detailed records of the extended bureaucratic machine. Hitler modeled after Stalin, but surpassed his pattern, did not bother with hypocrisy, went straight for the pure (or dirty) anarchy of robbery.

Therefore everyone should have his doubts, what portion of his possessions he might recover. Without specification, surely the thieves would decrease one’s own portion of the booty, deceive, lie and contradict any word of the victims. Never mind, even if we might not recover all possessions, some part surely and then, when the nightmare ends, we will rebuild the life and the rest.

However, Mother came nearest to the truth. In the future, they never recovered anything, never got a broken coin of compensation, all this remained a total loss. Instead, theywere robbed for a second time by the fleeing German. However, this second robbery, if equally brutal, not organized by the state, not so complete because in a hurry, done by desperate soldiers in panic. In short, more natural and understandable, besides the victims accustom to the experience and the shock was not so severe.

Anyway, meantime they considered the poverty as only temporary. However, it was necessary to live now and this period was the most difficult in the whole war. For the next two months, Angus rarely saw bread and was unable buy papers with the news of the front, even though the German papers and the German-edited Polish versions, the so-called reptile press, sold for almost nothing. The official regulated price was only 50 groshes.

Luckily, they had succeeded in the preceding year to rent a piece of soil on the opposite side of the avenue, on the ground separated by the barbed wire and destined for building the new church. They planted there potatoes, and in the spring tomatoes. Now, they could eat for breakfast salad from tomato with potatoes, for dinner boiled potatoes with tomato cream and for supper mashed potatoes with tomatoes, sometime for change in reverse. Alternately, sometimes they would eat the potatoes boiled whole, or on exceptional feast days baked.

At the end of July, Father began work for the sugar factory Częstocice, in the one of the centers buying the beets. It was a faraway village near Waśniów, so he could travel home only on Sundays. This was a difficult decision because of his moral beliefs, father declared in the first year of the war he would never work for the occupants. Yet, with time, almost all industry and greater enterprises came under German control. The sugar factory was a Polish undertaking, but ran under the command of German officials and in fact, for the German economy. Anyway, all large and even average firms, also estates, got German Commissars or the so-called "Treuhander," and in perspective, all the economy and property was taken from Polish hands. Finally including the possession of soil and land, after the pattern already developed in the Zamość district.

It is not clear whether the entire Polish population was to be liquidated outright after Germany won the war, or was to remain for a time as low-paid working power, serfs or slaves. Prohibition of education beyond the elementary points to the second eventuality. However, the author personally was sure, that Hitler decided the doom of the Polish people like the doom of the Jews or even before them. He changed the succession only because with armed force engaged on all fronts, he could not continue the mass murder of Poles. Therefore he transferred the slaughter to Jews, who were defenseless, with all fit men mobilized in vain in the first months of war and sent to Siberia by Stalin. The rest, consisting of old men, children and women were an easy target, but the Polish resistance grew in strength.

Considering this, Father decided that honesty to the occupants would be a bad blunder; his duty would be to sabotage or at least do as much damage to the German economy as he could. So he agreed to overstate the amount and the quality of beets, if beginning rather prudently so as not to overdraw the limit of likelihood. But shortly he noticed that this method had already been in use for a longtime, he was discovering America all over again. Everyone did the same and he acted now more courageously. Besides, the peasants supplying the beets would be grateful in a material sense. That was how Father became a corrupt official.

This was so unusual that Angus was surprised, until now even a joke like this would have caused extreme indignation by Father. But now the norm changed, now bribery was morally correct, more, praiseworthy. Besides, it allowed for higher income, the official pay, unchanged despite five to ten thousand percent inflation, was inadequate, even for the survival of one person. But as Father gained more experience in taking graft and the peasants more confidence to him, their material conditions improved.

If Father by the end of week came with some money, Mother earmarked this first for buy of milk, only next, if some remained, for buying bread. But dividing bread caused always disagreement. Each of the family tried always to wriggle his portion to another member. The excuses were different, a simulated disease, pain in the tummy or teeth, and so on. Sometimes, one would say, this bread is of bad quality and tastes all wrong, the potatoes with tomato sauce are better. The bread baked and sold cheapest to the populace was bad indeed. But curiously, just then it seemed Angus like the best cake.

However, if Angus valued now the taste of bread, he felt fit and healthy on the diet of potatoes and tomatoes. He lost his surplus pounds and spent whole days in Romanov, taking with him some potatoes boiled in their skin and a couple of tomatoes with salt. He continued the same mode of life as in July, swimming as long as he possibly could and between, resting, learned more verses by heart. He chose now the poetry after his own taste, because the classes had stopped. He finished the third class of Polish and Latin languages, in all the other disciplines passed the fourth class. But now the family could not afford even one hour of lessons, the time had come for vacation and sport.

That was why he kept to him, made no new acquaintances. He would feel rather foolish, unpacking from the paper and taking off the skin from cold potatoes. Even when he undressed he tried to do it so nobody noticed the much torn socks, he usually did it with his foot still in the shoe. He kept busy as much as he could and if he had to rest, it was better to do some daydreaming, or a little slumber.

He had enough subjects to dream of. First, it was the war. Despite the bad luck and unsuccessful tries, he never gave up; this war could not end without his active participation and contribution. Early or late he would help in winning it, or perish trying. To this end, he tried persistently to develop physically. This was the most important task.

And of course there was the dream about his great love. Again he was sure they had to meet, somewhere, sometime. It was not presumption, it was a creed as strong as a religious belief. A queer evolution, sublimation of love happened, he place the beloved on a spiritual altar.

He never allowed himself a sexual dream, and if such irresistibly intruded in his mind, he turned away his thoughts, imagining another girl or woman, for example somebody from those sunbathing by the water. Once his organism started producing sperm, it was natural and unavoidable, nevertheless he always felt guilty. With luck, he noticed that intensive exercise, training and physical activity stopped the sexual excitement. About two years too late he discovered how manage the problem which at the time had brought the deeply religious lad almost to the brink of the tomb.

The early good fortune of his efforts caused him to double the training. He now did almost as much work in swimming as formerly in mathematics, but of his own initiative and again felt the unforgettable taste of success. After about a week, he moved along to the deep basin, over the bridge. This was where the good swimmers went. Angus, still holding himself separate, nevertheless managed to watch and copy many strokes and technical details. His movements still did not have grace, but he used now both arms and legs and next concentrated on catching the air at the right moments. Before long, he could swim with his head under water and only periodically lifted, and next he tried the crawl. Then he invented his own styles and improvements, sometimes a mixture of breaststroke with crawl, or swimming with body twisted about 90 degrees with arms pulling apart the water and legs scissoring. Only this last position proved useful on long distances, the other inventions were not economic, meaning the proportion of work to effect. All this he decided by the method of trial and error, only one stroke left still for more testing, on the side, with arms used only for directing and legs working like a fishtail. The results were not bad, but it was difficult to coordinate the breathing; maybe a longer exercise could solve this problem.

At the end of August he felt like a fish in the water. Although none of his strokes was perfect and the speed not impressive, he could swim hour after hour without rest, especially with a slow, easy crawl. Now he began training swimming with an extra load (dreaming in future it might be weapons). This needed more effort and power, as with greater weight the air in the lungs is not enough for compensation. Occasionally, he learned diving and swimming under water like a frog, breaststroke, taking air only occasionally.

At first, he slipped into the water from sitting position, next, he would bend with head and arms down and sink. Then, seeing the others, he began to jump in headfirst and feetfirst, not too high, from the wooden timbering of the reservoir and next from the footbridge. Finally, even from the wooden banister.

The last trick was jumping into the frothing water tongue pressed out from the open gates of the dam to the lower lake. This was his idea and despite presumption, did not demand any special skill. Still, he was the only one who did this, there was no one copying him. The main was to keep on one’s feet, coming into the culvert; water was only up to his knees, but the pressure was strong, if near the brink of the wooden platform losing speed. Now, he need only take a central position in the stream and jump so as not to be thrown to the side, into one of the rows of pilings which enclosed the current on either side. A few second of superexpress drive, and the rush of water slowed in the calm of the lake. This all proved simple, nevertheless provided satisfaction and an intensive water massage. But after realizing there was no real difficulty, he tried never to make a show of himself.

This summer he had achieved all he intended, in fact more than he had believed possible. This second success was even a better one, because swimming was something he learned independently, on his own merit. Math was a merit of the excellent teachers, if different, they supplemented one other. His father presented good, detailed groundwork, Moranowski the high-flying art, inspiration and imagination, attaching less importance to the details and final polish if only the idea was right. True, any student of average talent could do as well or better, having the luck to be trained by such masters. But in the water he had learned all by himself and the exercise gave him strength, balance and mobility, he felt skillful, not so clumsy, able to fight, to become a soldier.

Also, Angus memorized some verses, good for about ten hours, as the young people of today would say, about five to six cassettes full. This way, he could manage the whole day without books; very useful in stress, also generally in life. Often, awaiting some event, he could keep calm by reciting soundlessly.

In September began the classes of the Business School, located with the Professional Business School of the Metal Works in the south outskirts of Ostrowiec by Opatow Street, in a wooden barrack. Angus found no interest in learning business, neither future use nor satisfaction. Nevertheless he was curious to meet his former colleagues among the boys, he hoped to find some contacts, and maybe some of his new acquaintances could direct him to resistance and conspiracy. On the other hand, though, he decided to be careful; both his parents and everyone else told him about German spies and Gestapo provocateurs, present everywhere.

The Germans suppressed any education of Polish children beyond primary school. They had either decided to kill all, or to keep only serfs for ordinary service. An educated slave is useless and difficult to hold in obedience, inclined to mutiny. The best would be working beasts without any ideals, thinking only rarely and with difficulty. Nevertheless, the smelting works, working for war supply, needed some professionals with a little more knowledge, and the workers had to get some supplies, in local commerce. Already from summer 1940, the administration allowed for restoration of the Mechanics school for first two, then three classes.

Ostrowiec, an average town of about forty thousand, had some great industrial installations, iron smelting and mechanical works, working now for the arms factories. Skilled workers were in demand and therefore the school attached to the Works, after one year’s interruption, opened again in summer 1940. As well as in the classes, the students gained practical experience at the Works, heavy work for minimum pay, and that was why the Germans made the exception of extending the course of study to a full three years. However, like everywhere, the most trusted and able boys attended secret classes, or extra lectures. With time this developed to middle and even high technical study, the teacher being those working in the school, but also guests from other secret schools and engineers from the Works. After finishing this school the alumni could continue to a secret secondary school and undertake the first two years of Technical University. Later the study could continue in greater towns, as nearby in Częstochowa Underground University.

One year later, the Germans allowed opening the Business School to supply the network of commerce and service for the Farmers’ Cooperative, collecting supplies from the nearby agricultural regions necessary for feeding the workers. Sure, they needed the trained personnel, but the economic arguments were backed with bribery.

Classes IIA and IIB counted almost forty students each, all in all over seventy. To the newly open classes IA and IB were accepted more than forty, in all above eighty. The principal was the prewar director of the Business Grammar School, Mr. Urbanowicz, then still young, now at the beginning of middle age, only his forehead heightened. Proficient, organized, precise, full of energy, like a coiled spring – or dynamo, he almost exuded a smell of electricity. Previusly and now, he amply fulfilled all conditions to become a president of a great corporation, for example in the US, and would have developed it like a flash. Or at his age would be at least a trusted secretary of some financial tycoon. His present occupation, administrating a little school of four classes was far below his potential, so he taught also the structure of enterprises and a subject which was his hobby and favorite, the technique of sales and negotiation. The title covered his idea and strong belief, rarely found in other local business schools, in the psychology of negotiations. There were not any available handbooks; engaging all the way, he created the first draft in condensed footnotes, which he dictated or wrote on the board in point form. He also pedantically checked the notebooks.

The matter concerned how to start a speedy contact with the possible client or dealer, the skill of reading his mind. It was important to hear him out first, never intercepting, to catch and memorize not only his words, but also his body language. Next, never oppose or present arguments, but continuing his reasoning and especially his sentences, developing them so the exact words used should act, with a little twisting, to our advantage. In short, turn the cat round with tail first, after the popular saying. The practical psychology had anyway been applied by gifted amateurs long before the theory. Then and now, there is little new, the world did not start, as the youth imagine, at the moment they born.

Surely it would be of inestimable value, if Angus were only to catch and use the knowledge, not only in business, but in his whole life. However he was a bad judge of people, saw not genuine people, but his ideas according to the books he read and this theory he considered a manipulation, ugly and dishonest. Any knowledge may be used for good or bad, but surely it does not follow that stupidity is better. It was like teaching psychology to Don Quixote. Well, years later he was able to analyze faultlessly the reactions of all those he faced, explain accurately all what's and why’s. With a little logic it should be clear from the start, but it was not.

Besides the principal, the pedagogical council included a few prewar teachers of Business Grammar School, for example Mrs. Jóźwiak on bookkeeping and business arithmetic. It was the first time Angus had met a person who could reckon almost as rapidly as he could, surely more quickly than the contemporary calculating machines. If he could still outstrip her, it happened only because she always wrote all in good order, which takes time. But it astonished him to see he had still much to learn in simple arithmetic, as for example some shortcuts, simplifications if there is needed only a limited accuracy, for example to three or four significant digits. There is no need to round up the result, one can cut out the lesser part, right during multiplying or dividing. The columns of figures seems bisected by a perpendicular or slanted line, only the significant numbers remaining. This takes only a fraction of the normal time. Also, there are knacks for special cases of quick calculation. For example when multiplying by 125 one may do so by attaching 000 and dividing by 8, by 126 or 124 analogically, but plus or minus one percent and so on. Quick checking may sometimes be done by checking the elements and the result to see, if they divide by 3 or not. If the result of counting is false and the expected difference divisible by 9, supposedly the so-called Czech error has occurred, in transfer of the numbers the sequence of digits has been mixed (especially useful in bookkeeping). There were a whole host of such small skills which taken together could save much time.

In fact, Ms Jóźwiak considered arithmetic only a necessary evil. She was, besides a teacher, a high qualified accountant, an expert with full jury rights, much profitable before the war. But now, she never mentioned this, trying to keep a low profile.

Angus did have not a blue idea about bookkeeping, having missed the knowledge of the first year program. The students learned first the so-called Italian bookkeeping, next the basics of the American plan of accounts which filled out broad, colored sheets containing eighteen or at most double, thirty-six accounts. He recognized the inner logic and rationality, but had not the skill. From now on, they had to learn combining the two systems, named "the copying pages system", which at the time formed the crown of knowledge, if now in the era of computers has become a museum piece.

A large part of the teachers consisted of people engaged temporarily and rather casually, yet usually of unexpectedly high education. They chose this temporary workplace to find comparative safety, to get good documents, the working-card. For example, the employees of Kraków University, even if not exactly the professors, but people of science, could in rapidly finish in a concentration camp. Also a known artist (painter), would automatically appear in a high position to be shot in first order, as a representative of the intelligentsia. Now she crouched in a calm niche, being a teacher of advertising and of shorthand, which thanks to ability in drawing and sketching she mastered quickly.

Not only for the teachers, also for most of the young people, the Business School fulfilled the role of storeroom, a safe ecological niche. For some, it was merely one of the few accessible schools, but for a large part, like Angus, it was just temporary protection against being sent into slavery, servile work in Germany. That’s why Angus at the beginning did not feel concerned, treated the school as an evil need. Through his own ignorance, he underestimated the knowledge and skill he could gain. He appraised only the school identify card, which the Arbeitsamt and occupants now recognized. Even after finishing the school, the graduates got work in Ostrowiec or the nearby region.

Angus attended the class II A, with mostly youthful students who were eager to learn. But the bunch varied, of different ages. In the class were only three of fourteen years, like Angus and a few who were fifteen. Most of the boys were sixteen and seventeen but some much older, as the with name of Pyskalski (which may be roughly, a nickname of one with big mouth), twenty-four years. He never shut up, talking and joking all the time, also during lessons, never kept even the appearance of school discipline. He adopted a special Warsaw style, as if coming direct from the Wiech feuilletons in newspapers, or the popular backyard songs. It was difficult to tell if he preferred a street boy from Targówek or a typical Anton from Powiśle (Vistula Bank). The coloring changed, but he was always a clown who was fun to see and more fun to hear. Pyskalski was a little taller than average stature, well-built and fit, quick and proficient. To Angus he recalled Tarzan on the covers of adventure cartoon-commixes. Despite his behavior, tolerated by the teachers for some unclear reason. Angus and the others never suspected, but the merry clown strong engaged in conspiracy and because of this became hunted and persecuted after the war by communists. After another rumor he was, well, not exactly a king, but one of the barons of the black market and sponsored the school, assuring him the cover. Mere gossip, but if there was a grain of truth in it, it turned out effective.

Besides him in the class were other students of the older group, about and above twenty years old. One of them had the appearance of a much younger boy, having somehow missed his growth and maturity, small and underdeveloped, not a trace of hair on his face. But in good health and would have been good-looking, if not for the teeth, all artificial and former covered with gold. Now all the gold plates were taken off, there remained only the bare stumps. So-called Ziuk had the stature of a teenager and similar intellectual level, if not exactly handicapped. He knew already the worst side of life, without family and to tell it short, a male prostitute. He had first a "guardian" with sadistic inclinations, who knocked out all his teeth and as compensation provided for the gold. Now as rumored, he had found a stable lover, who treated him well and sent him to the school. Characteristically, the boy never met with any contempt or persecution in the class. Nevertheless found no friends.

Another lost type, although from quite different cause, was a peasant son, doggedly continuing his education, although he had not the right condition for it indeed. He lived-in a small village a few kilometers from town, traveling to school every morning more than two hours on foot in any weather, snow or heat. Returned the same way, underfed and falling asleep at a moment’s notice. Angus looking at him imagined that surely his experience was similar to the first year of education of his own father, attending the Gimnazjum in Białystok. But the big difference was, this boy was not bright and hardly able to learn, all came to him with difficulty, even when colleagues explained the details to him again and again. He made up stubbornly, if he managed not to fall asleep, but the effort was too much for him. Also a small boy, but in this case it was comprehensible, why he did not grow.

The class also attended some more peasants’ sons, better situated. Two, already adults, name of Mandalski and Cielach lived-in villages nearer to Ostrowiec and usually cycled to town. The first, tall and strong, a bit crude, lived in Chmielów, roughly the same direction from school as Angus, but some six kilometers beyond Romanów, an impressive distance. However, if something troubled him, it was not the distance, which did not overtax his strength, but his stammering, especially when answering questions in the class. He usually lashed out the first words properly, but then got stuck and could not start again and it was not because he did not know the lesson. Except during lessons, when he got stuck his colleagues cried, "Go on, sing it." In fact, he did not sing nice, had about the same ear for tunes as Angus. Hardly a pleasure to listen to, but all the words came loud and clear, without stuttering. And once started again, he usually could say the rest. Mandalski was proud of his village of Chmielów with all the advantages of the true countryside, but at the time almost a suburb of Ostrowiec. The boys there were a special breed, before the war at every festivity, entertainment or dance the Red Cross ambulance had to return at least a couple of times. Mandalski said it was a custom on a friendly visit to stick one’s knife (preferably a big one, called kosiba – a diminutive word for scythe) in a wooden wall and hang on this one’s cap. However, if during the visit there came to be any misunderstanding, never mind the knife, the best strategic position was had by he who first reached the stove. Collecting the lids on his forearm, he could throw the iron rings piecemeal or all at once. He was like an atomic power among the traditionally armed countries.

Cielach had a much shorter journey to the school, living in a village on the south of Ostrowiec, towards Opatów. After some time, Angus found an occasion to talk with him longer on a subject he knew well and Angus only slightly, the evolution of humans and humanoids. Angus had occasionally read some information, but know only the basics about the theory, remembered one name, Pitecantropus Erectus and something about fragments of bones, especially jawbones found on Java. However, this was all, his hobby was the universe and the secrets of elements, not the trifling matter of the human race. Cielach knew all about the latter, the facts, the people who explored paleontology, where and when they had made significant finds. He lent Angus some of his books and Angus, who read all he could, naturally was only too happy. During the occupation every book was like a treasure. But in the long term, he took not much interest. Organic objects and energy in the most simple pattern, rarely could be expressed in math alone, in the infinitely more complicated cases not a chance for any precise algorithm. Life is so difficult to understand that for many years a mathematical approach has remained futile. Maybe in hundreds more years mathematics may develop enough that some calculations may be possible. But even then humanity could not be explored scientifically. Description by words without equations is poor science. When too much information is inaccessible, better temporarily to resign and concentrate on making progress where it may be fruitful. Cielach wanted to study medicine as a profession. Angus considered this not a science, but skill and knowledge, more high-flying than business or craft,. Relevant to repair of people, not machines, but the same category of work.

Not only in the villages, also in small and medium-sized towns like Ostrowiec lived farmers. For example, the parents of Julek Żuk lived on Pieracki Street, a little farther than Stach Konar and on the opposite side. Their acreage adjoined the house. A little farther lived Alfred Pukalski, formerly almost inseparable from Żuk, but Pukalski was the son of a well-to-do industrialist, partner of The Radom Factory of Shoes. Admittedly the firm taken by the Germans did not bring profits, but the father with two sons (mother deceased), well provided for by his former affluence even now was able to arrange some business. He made deals with his former firm, disposing of supposedly defective shoes exchanging them for crude leather. On the black market, bribing the Germans, he still earned well from his business knowledge.

Still further on Pieracki Street lived yet another a student of similar age, around seventeen, the greatest Cossack and hothead, and now it turned out, an attractive colleague. He was the son of the principal of the primary school Angus had had to attend in June, but they had never met before.

In the streets and neighborhoods beyond lived still more students, and this group, aged sixteen or seventeen, formed a large part of class. Mostly the children of intellectual families, now in different material conditions, but they did not consider this of any importance and treated their lessons seriously, took interest in the wide world, open minds; and they read a lot.

Yet this was not all. The class was coeducational, with girls of various sorts, for example an older one was a working prostitute and although in class no one mentioned this, a known fact. But like the boys, most of the female students treated their studies solemnly and as a rule learned additionally in secret groups. The girls were on average about eighteen, a little older than the boys, although some were much older and a few younger.

So now, we come to the essence of the matter. Angus never until now had learned in a coeducational class and this was a genuine shock. He had not a blue idea, how to behave. He began unwisely, like he and all his colleagues behaved once, before the war – making a fool of himself with small pranks.

The problem was still broader. After the long gap, Angus had forgotten all the norms of living in a group. Always a bad mixer and with difficulty forming new acquaintances, for two years now he had lived isolated, limited to few people, mainly adults, he took classes in small groups, maximum of three, two or alone. Now, he arrived as an outsider to a large class already familiar with each other, and behaved strangely, unable to make contact. At the beginning they all only watched him, which was mutual, but he committed some blunders. Especially with the girls, never having the experience, coming from the V class of the primary school in Poznań, where boys and girls learned separately. In consequence, covered by the norms of good upbringing and duty of politeness, existed between the two sex groups, well, not exactly hostility, but some suspicions. Both sides considered themselves superior. Now, he found another world.

After a week or two the problem seriously worsened. The clan of girls recognized in Angus an unripe clown, no sense to contact him. Following this, his alienation with the boys deepened too. But what tipped the scales was one of the youth, of Angus’ age but much smaller, his head as high as Angus’ breast, who began to ridicule Angus and tease him. Despite his limited growth, the boy was quick as a spark. No chance Angus could catch him.

Tor this Angus knew only one cure, according to examples he had experienced. In his former school in Poznań, the position and hierarchy in a class composed according to one’s valor in fighting. It is a common case between boys. Besides, in a private school such as he attended, the boys could fight to their hearts’ delight. If only they kept the rules of fair play, the teachers almost never intervened. One of the conditions was, never do anything too bad, although sometimes bruises did occur. Angus’ mother never could understand and agree, but she was only a woman.

There are several methods to fix one’s position in a group. One can start at the bottom and gradual improve his ranking, or from the top suffering a few defeats, or from the middle, choosing after his appreciation an about equal rival. Angus decided to begin with the strongest, which was not conceit, but a deliberate decision. Victory over a smaller and weaker boy does not settle a good reputation. It is the same psychological pattern which once in the Wild West caused the young pups to seek out and challenge the best guns. Usually they perished like flies, but if not, they could at once become a celebrity. Now there was not such a great risk, Angus calculated he might accept a little injury, just as much as necessary to gain a respectable outcome. On the first occasion, he collided with the without doubt most formidable Pyskalski and after short exchange of words, challenged him.

In the Business School, also in the Mechanics School, occupying the same building (setting classes and breaks at different hours) any fighting was prohibited. They had to go from the yard and sport field to find an isolated place outside school grounds. Pyskalski treated the silly pup, who obviously was looking for a bump on his head, lightly and beat him moderately. But Angus was not content, he considered the matter undecided and demanded more. In the next day's they fought nearly ten times after the lessons or during long breaks. Angus knew the basics of boxing and protected himself fairy well, but was unable to inflict even one blow, and was hardly in time to cover up. Pyskalski was speedy and all the time remained with patience and tolerance, which particularly irritated Angus. He demanded a continuance and stepping up the terms, wanted to fight "to the first blood" (he took this from the books about long-ago duels). So Pyskalski had to let him to lose a little blood from the nose, or from a busted lip. For sure, Angus engaged too much in this, he could not sleep and from early dawn deliberated, what he should he next, which tactics to apply today, with the only result that in the afternoon he fell again in depression.

The last fight took place during the long break on the 30th of September. On his way from home through the marketplace to school he noticed work going on by some construction, but did not look up. On the way back, he saw there gathered a crowd. He approached and saw a macabre sight. The construction on the market center was a scaffold, consisting of big trunks with long tie-beams between, on which hung the corpses. It seemed unbelievable, as in December 1939 had the corpse of the shot Jewish child, which he thought a heap of old clothes. Now he had the same impression, that on the hooks hung used, wear and tear clothes, not human beings. More so as after a long time in prison they appeared thin and light, as if desiccated. Three rows of ten corpses each, all in all thirty dead.

 Capsule: State terrorism, teaching by collective responsibility, executions just in case, without any quilt or proof.

What was the background of this tragedy? On September 11th, by Romanów took place an eruption of the gas mains along the railway bridge – mentioned before, precisely the spot to which good swimmers swam, starting by the dam. After the eruption, the gas from the great pipe caught fire. This quasi-torch, recalling a huge Merckel burner, overheated and melted one from the irons bays of the railway bridge, before the line could be closed and the compressors disconnected. The circumstances of the event were mysterious and nobody knew properly anything. In Ostrowiec people said that a Russian aircraft threw in the night a bomb which struck the bridge, though surely it would cause only smaller damage.

In truth it was an action of Diversion Squad of the II company AK (Home Army), with the previously mentioned young people from the volleyball sports field near Traugutt Street. In the wartime, Ostrowiec Smelting Works produced steel and arms for the Germans. After the earlier Soviet alliance with Germany, now the alliances turned, it became necessary to help them with sabotage and diversion in a bad crisis. The main effort became the improvised, well-known Fan action behind the moving German front, but all other diversion units got instructions to engage as much as possible. Twice before the great ovens had suffered damage by adding to the scrap iron unexploded dud artillery missiles, but with the mammoth mass of load and object the effect scattered, the damage was not permanent. Yet they to some extent succeeded, by small mischief to the gas installation the entire production momentarily stopped. However, the German management and Gestapo took interest and further sabotage in the works area became risky. This time, the next action should be well planned, with exemplary preparation and effective. And so it happened, the great works, employing nearly ten thousand people was at first stopped and for a longtime seriously limited. About six weeks elapsed before the production was normal again, because besides the gas, the transport of raw materials became disorganized. The motor-carriages could not cope with the needed amounts, the railway must be repaired.

The operation was carefully camouflaged. A patrol of the Diversion Squad exploded two genuine misfired Soviet bombs, one by the gas line and the second on the nearby meadow, as if it had missed the target. The three-person group even deliberately left fragments of obviously Russian make. Led by one of the aces of volleyball, they proceeded exactly according to the plan. The Gestapo in an almost three week investigation found no proof of sabotage, all the evidence coincided exactly with the legend of a bomb from a Soviet airplane.

However precisely because the action had been so effective and caused painful loss in the war production, it inspired the rage of the Germans and an except bestial reaction. The direct culprit was the Chief of Ostrowiec Gestapo, Peters. Without any material evidence, he decided one proper execution was exactly what the Poles need, in future they would not enjoy any German troubles. The arrival of the Russian aircraft bomb and all that followed might be a coincidence. On the other hand there was a possibility that someone had supplied the info, chosen and pointed to the target, led and oriented the plane. Therefore, without any definite evidence, he decided to apply an inhumane act of terror to intimidate the population, display a horror in the most cruel manner. He considered that even if this horror had no connection with the event, it would be a good lesson. The victims were not guilty, arrested almost a year before, when the Germans and Soviets were still close friends and allies, but after such a longtime they were unfit to live anyway, although still fit for execution.

Jumping ahead, one should add that Peters got the bullet, sentenced by the Polish underground court of justice in the summer of 1944, from the beginning of 1943 watched and measured by Home Army intelligence. This was the merit of one young woman from the family of a victim, named Lila Słowik (one of the deported, coming through the same concentration camp as Angus). A beautiful and neatgirl, with excellent knowledge of German language, she dedicated her life and good reputation to revenge. She accepted Peters as lover, which in the wartime made her an outcast, Angus heard many ugly comments, a common damnation. Often sensation truth may pass unnoticed.

This matter became clear only after the war. For the moment, all people remained convinced that a Russian aircraft had dropped a well aimed bomb and that was that. reaction of the Germans was inhuman and appalling (Peters gained his aim), the war dirty and a human life priced low. The Germans felt the strike painful, that's why they got so mad, let's hope on the front this may cost them more than thirty men.

Now the crowd gathered around the hanged men stood as if lifeless too, there were no comments, only occasionally in whispers exchanging familiar names of recognized people. Angus heard the name of Mr. Saski, the brewery owner, who before the Germans took him and all his property, lavishly financed the underground. Now few could recognize him. After a while, Angus with difficulty noticed in the second row a next-door neighbor from Żeromski Street, Mr. Pacuła, arrested in the winter of 1940/41. Probably he would not have recognized him either, but heard whispers and then saw the shred of a man, so unlike his former self. Angus had previously seen only two hung people, suicides from the terrible days of 1940, when supposedly all was lost after France’s surrender. In Ostrowiec this was the first public execution. Until now the occupants had published lists of hostages and then death-rolls of those shot as well as the new lists of hostages. Even later, such an execution never repeated, but the shots were left lying on the streets. However, there is a difference between people shot, and these hanging like rags, especially if after long tormenting they have stopped to look like people.

It may be strange, but there were neither comments nor retrospection afterwards, except quiet talking in one’s own house, at late hours, like about ghosts. But these could not be ghosts. As martyrs, they surely had already gained paradise. The Germans proved again and again, they are able to commit any vile meanness and nothing can stop them.

Of course, after this day the boxing-duels stopped. What foolish ideas, a genuine war around, people perishing like flies, yet at such a time he was behaving as a half-witted stripling. Immature reason! Shame!

The only comfort was daydreaming about a true battle with the Germans. But what chance could he have to seek out and rub up against the satisfactory partners and convince them of his worth? Who would accept such an imbecile stinker for such a serious matter? Who would believe that for him the duty to his people was many times more important than his inadequate life? Pure despair!

In such a gloomy mood he lost interest in everything. But this did not distinguish him from all the other people, who became depressed too. In fact, Angus had met with German terror earlier than the locals, while still in Greatpoland, so now the shock was less severe. Anyway, he expected from them only the worst.

Bad look comes in company, this time a small, but personal failure caused by his own negligence. About the middle of December took place the first parent-teacher meeting, Father being absent, there went the mother and returned in nerves. Angus had the worst marks, if any; from some teachers none at all, because they could not classify his zero knowledge. Angus could not learn now, lacking the first-year instruction and he did nothing to make this up. They concluded, accepting a student to the second course was an error. Well so the parents and Angus had thought at the time, but what about today? No way could Angus now step down to the first classes, it would be a disgrace combined with insult, but no way either to leave the school.

He had only two good grades, in Polish Language and business arithmetic, the last surely too low. And unexpectedly, one grade very-good, in religion. Angus felt astonished, more so, as this priest did not give to everybody the conventional degree very-good, but usually good. Besides, the priest especially wanted to speak with Mother, trying to calm her down and wit energy defended Angus, also in the presence of other teachers. Angus saw no logical reason, he never took voice in the class about religion, never answered any question. Well, in the past he had been strongly religious, but now he came to a critical view, and surely was never an expert. Understanding this phenomenon came only after years. The priest Rucinski was previously prefect in the Gimnazjum and held contacts with many students. Now he became a proper, if informal, chaplain of the Diversion Squad, for many soldiers an elder colleague, because he also had attended this Gimnazjum before going to the seminary. He did not play volleyball in the backyard of the Traugutt Street, Angus never saw him there. However, closely cooperating with the whole company, he took active part in conspiracy and all of this group. Angus imagined himself to be on a bad path, one on which he would not be able to contact the secret organization and the combatants, yet in reality he was already known, in open view. He believed to keep his dreams in secret, but was as transparent as if made from glass.

That was why he, tolerated on the sports field, developed a nodding acquaintance with a good part of the Diversion Squad soldiers. His beliefs and dreams, if he never told anything, were reasonably guessed, in fact everyone noticed everything about him. Recognized as still not ready for any serious business, Angus achieved the reputation of a wonder-child, math genius (this surely undeserved). Yet, both his first tutor Morawiecki and the next, Professor Mazzurewicz attached to him such an opinion and the same corroborated his colleague, Stach Konar. This last, one of the youngest soldiers of the squad, repeated also the common opinion about Angus, that he was still unripe, childish and overzealous, which might cause trouble. Well, "rem acu tentegit" (he touched the point), it was true.

Life consists mainly of mistakes. Angus had had the bad luck to have met before another priest, speaking the language of The Bible, but a genuine Pharisee. Now he came to an age when many start independent reasoning, rebel and go away from religion. A paradox that he precisely then met a splendid man, however took no notice, did not want to notice the friendly outstretched hand. Priest Rucinski did not know him personally, only by reputation and now and later he behaved amicably, wanted to protect him. Angus held his distance. If he had a little intuition, his life might have taken a different turn. This was not a man condemning others harshly, seeing a mote in the eye of his neighbor, but never a log in his own. This was a man noble and ready to sacrifice. He may have also had human blemishes, but he put them in the last place, having neither time, nor opportunity for them. However, Angus had just entered the period of mutiny. In addition also in the whole class, the tune was strongly anticlerical and this still further reinforced his own decision (though the young people in general remained religious, with a few exceptions).

The priest’s intervention changed the atmosphere at the meeting and calmed down Mother, but still she recognized the situation as serious and decided to talk this all over with Father. Angus tried to convince her not to do so, now he had been made aware of the problem and would do the expected himself. However, in vain and he had a nasty talk with Father speaking harshly as never before: "Never mind, what you think about the school and the compulsory education, never mind the practical specialization, whether you like it or not. If our family survives, if we only manage to keep on, you know, we always did and shall do everything to enable you study science. But remember now, a man has a duty to do anything he began, to a proper end. However, any possibility to learn, which you now neglect, probably in the future may be necessary. More, invaluably so, believe my own experience. Do not throw any opportunity away. In this case, you disappointed your mother, who believed you to be a clever boy. You abused her and my trust in you. Now, start working and make up all you missed and pissed away. Not a moment to lose, begin at once with a detailed plan. You behaved like a spoiled baby, remember this experience and never repeat it."

Sure the conversation is reported in a condensed form.

Because to Angus the worst appeared the stenography and he had already gained a textbook (rather a pamphlet) about the basics, they began with this. This Sunday he memorized the main syllables and every day after that he had to write a long dictation, and then try to read it. The shorthand used in Polish business, based on the German, was simple: only the consonants noted, the vowel marked by thickening, stretching or raising. This reduced the number of letters, but even so the consonants became simplified and rationalized, slim and easy for speedy writing. In addition everybody could introduce his own abbreviations and symbols to create his own pattern with one condition: he should be able to read his own writing. Not too difficult with daily practice, if taken regularly.

However a problem in this case, because Angus already scrabbled disgustingly and sometimes was unable to read his illegible writing, not to mention the shorthand. After about a month, he became one of the speediest in the class and could read the results nearly as true as the average students, they all met some obstacles. At the same time he learned different patterns of decorative letters, for example the so-called Neon Letters, which allowed him to rationalize his writing, especially to round up the stenography. Well, it was a mechanical hand exercise, Angus did this under constraint, seeing no sense. What was the use? It was learning for the school, not for life.

Shorthand may be of advantage: one can write quickly, as fast as the talk goes. But it has one great flaw: what with quick reading? No one could embrace the text with one look. Whatever the advantage in writing, you lose this all and more in reading. The second skill was for Angus much more important, it had to do with information. Reading a lot for years, he developed instinctively, without instructors and instruction, the technique of speed-reading, unaware that people learn this specifically, with much effort. The comprehensive embracing of a page with one look was for him natural, but with shorthand, impossible. In fact, it was more like deciphering than reading and took time.

Now, after all this time, shorthand has lost much of the attraction, but still some old-timers use it, especially journalists and jurors. On average, electronic appliances have taken over about ninety-nine percent of the market, especially in memorizing. On the other side, the art of shorthand has spread to computers and there are some hopes, it may induce new trends in the famous perpetuum mobile of the world of computers, artificial intelligence. It seems an hard way, but the experience could be useful in developing a more rational set of characters for writing, a modern alphabet. Also, if any renaissance of shorthand is to be possible, it should appear in print, in books and papers. Maybe there could be found a way to use both shorthand and speed-reading?

Without textbooks, Angus had to borrow notebooks from the preceding class. The best would be a notebook carefully written, usually by the best students. The extra advantage was, he managed so to make the first contacts with his new colleagues. Turning for support, borrowing notebooks and next some explanations, if the notes were short, unclear or illegible, on the margin of this he formed acquaintances.

The top boy in the class was Thaddeus Grabiowski. A perfectionist, he had both the perfect notebooks and a high intelligence. But he lived too faraway to form a close friendship and besides had too little time, always busy, accounting for every minute. However they had some talks at the beginning. With amazement, Angus noticed a similar manner of reasoning, even heard the same sentences he had heard from his tutor, Moranowski. He was not sure, but believed to recognize the essence of affairs, the same pattern. Might it be possible, that Grabiowski was a dedicated communist and did not keep it secret, more so, after he noticed Angus guessed what he was talking about? Maybe he supposed to meet an akind spirit? If so, the matter shortly cleared, when they got into an argument. Angus at the time presented the same convictions, right-national, if now with a pinch of liberalism, more intellectual independence. Besides, without religious coloring, but much criticism. Funny, yet Tadek appraised Angus with superiority, as one who has not yet developed to the point, but shall do so with time. Almost all young boys, including him, Tadek, start with nationalist beliefs, but when they reach the stage of independent thinking, they change.

However it was something queer, an obvious inconsistency. Grabiowski besides Marx studied the books of Piłsudski, he knew them by heart, could recite them from memory like Angus the poetry verses. He became fascinated with Piłsudski, especially the first period of action.

Angus had the impression that Tadek treated communism as a means of mobilizing the mob. Piłsudski too used socialism as the way. Probably so did Grabiowski, he expected an evolution of communism and would follow the idea only a part of the way, next looking for a change. Only now did this lead him to the thought that Moranowski himself might reason similarly, probably he did. In fact, in future both began a quick career, but already at an early stage were cut out and thrown to rubbish. Stalin developed a pattern for doing away with people who showed anything but blind obedience.

It is now a forgotten fact, those extreme ideas, both of the right and left side, found support among unconventional people, whose thinking was independent, sometimes outstanding. Hard to believe, when seeing later most of imbeciles, crowded around the feeding trough and obediently repeating every foolish word, accepted by the Politbureau. Like an infectious intellectual disease, where those remaining sound became spied on, isolated and finally liquidated. The greatest fool, but with the greatest talent for killing, announces the rules, what he allows to be thought. Astounding, how such a regime could attract the independent minds, however they flew like the moths to the fire, if perishing not in the fire, but in the deadly cold of gulags. Maybe they hoped that by their intellectual overweight they might change something or only survive, till the impossible regime evolved. If so, they underestimated the top fool, not aware that such takes on were many and there existed programs for recognizing intelligence and intelligent individualists. Such people aroused suspicion, which automatically set in motion the death machinery. Only after the death of Stalin did the mechanism get rusty and begin to stop.

Next, Angus met one more communist, but hardly intellectual, although independent, in fact, too much for his own good. Stach Stanek had unexhausted stories of energy, born in a genuine worker family and environment. A young boy, only one year older than Angus, a tall and lean ginger-head, before the war trained to the first level in boxing and liked to fight. Also with Angus, but this for fun, Angus outweighed him and was stronger, the summer swimming in Romanów having left him the advantage. However, Stanek acted quickly and hotly, In the school called "The Hot". His saying went, "I do understand, only cannot comprehend." He had the luck to get shot as in communist guerrilla, before the Soviet regime came about, if not for this, he would have disillusioned died in a gulag, slow and in despair.

Two people in a class, about five percent, anyway more than the national average. Communists had had few sympathizers in Poland. However, the unusual was that students and almost all people talked openly, freely, unconcerned to hide their beliefs. Sure, the members of the conspiracy held their secrets; best proof of this may be the difficulties experienced by Angus wanting find a secret organization. But nobody came on the idea to lie about convictions or political orientation in a conversation between Poles. The family and the acquaintances knew about one other, who was a national democrat, socialist or a peasantry party member. But only a few years after the war, the people learned to feel the danger, the whip above their heads. In the year 1947, or maybe 1948 Angus saw a transport of repatriates returning to their country, and suddenly one of the onlookers cried aloud, "Why do you return here, fools? Have you lost your sound sense?" On which somebody from the transport answered, "If you are not afraid to scream so loud, the matter is not so bad. All must remain as before, live and allowing living." Well, at the time it was still possible to open one’s mouth, but after one or two years more nobody dared. The people took the risk of death to run away from Poland.

In the next boy Alfred Pukalski, Angus met a compatible soul. Fred had also great notebooks and lived not far off, on Pieracki Street. He was both intelligent and well-read. What is more, his latest passion had also become books from The Library of Knowledge, TEM, he hunted in same bookshops as Angus did. He began later and he had not the books which Angus got at the beginning, but bought others which Angus already could not buy, losing affluence. Much convenient, they could exchange them. Although Fred had not a comprehensive opinion on modern physics, which Angus had gained thanks to discussions and at times stubborn arguments with Moranowski, he remembered many details. He poured this sensational-scientific knowledge from his sleeve, for example at a moment’s notice could define the dimensions of an electron or proton if the nucleus of a given atom had the dimensions of athletic sports field. Without mistake he could tell, if the named particle could compare to an apple, a plum or poppy seed, or a great but light pumpkin. When beside interesting talks it became clear they both liked to play chess, the grounds of companionship became firm.

The first good colleague had next his own good colleagues. Julek Żuk and Maciek Kwietniewski lived also on Pieracki Street, not faraway. Władek Winowski lived on Sienkiewicz Street (now Starachowice Roadway), below the place where it met with Pieracki Street, bending and going down. Władek, a big and serious spectacle-wearer, carefully wrote model notebooks. Like Angus, he had a thoughtful and over-caring mother, perhaps because he was the only son of a widow. His nearby friend and cousin, Marcin Buski, played the piano splendidly, on request including patriotic melodies and many prewar military marches, like March of Flyers, Mounted Guard Vision, also Madelon, Tipperary and the like. Both cousins were always calm and sedate, and besides being penetrated with Christian and religious spirit more strongly than anyone Angus had yet met, believed in the right-national ideas. To be exact, the traditional old Endecia party, without radical additives. The notably strong patriotism of Władek and his liking of tradition led Angus to presumption that he might have struck gold, meeting a boy who could contact him with the resistance, a freedom fighters organization. Alas, Władek had given his mother his word of honor, till all the people started a rising, only then would she allow him active participation. Such arrangements between parents and children happened; Angus knew the same about Andrzej Szulc and Zdzisiek Domański, sharing the places with him, resigned also to their parents' plea. Also Julek Żuk, after his older brother’s death in action of the mentioned Diversion Squad, after a long night’s conversation had to give his father such a promise.

To Angus the great unknown were the girls, a particularly difficult problem; he never had gone to coeducational classes. At first unable to adapt, he began by behaving like a silly clown, which for a long while spoiled any understanding. And he had to admit that some girls appeared lovely as a dream. Three were genuine beauties: Basia Przewierska, fantastically built, brimming with health, with bright braids and a little naive mouthelemental and impulsive like a spark. Tola Warcińska was extraordinarily delicate, refined, nursed and exaggeratedly took care about her apparel. She continuously improved different small details, stroking stray hairs, silky and seized in a knot, dabbing at thin skin with small veins shining through. A difficult task not to draw to her and help. The alarming and mysterious Halina Kalinin, a little plump, but in a most appetizing manner, exceptional taciturn and holding at a distance, enveloped in emptiness, a vacuum. There was a rumor, she was distantly related to a Soviet VIP and under the surveillance and protection of some powerful German, who considered her as a valuable auction object or a playing card.

Besides the three genuine gracias, in the class were only a few average girls, the decided majority pretty. However Angus, already strong engaged elsewhere and even if they had chanced to turn to him, he would give them all away for a smallest possibility of one look, even at a great distance, from his great love. Not a question to engage elsewhere, also he never would dare to think so.

However, queer, how difficult it is to realize the wilderness of one’s own mind. Although with all his soul and body he loved Mrs. Piesewicz, still more, he put her on an altar, reverenced her sainthood. This prevented him from ever thinking about her in a physical manner, to fancy her as the object of desire. Therefore every time sinful thoughts intruded on him, he tried to imagine another girl. Paradoxical. Maybe this has happened like in the known cases, when great romantic lovers perishing from ideal love, in the meantime visited public houses. In a coeducational class half filled by young girls, there was occasion for hanging up his eye and Angus often greedily looked on the girls, chiefly the prettiest. However, he did not move further, the most attractive already taken, so he would not have had much chance. Also, because there is a difference between bad thoughts – everybody may occasionally err - and genuine betrayal of one's first love.

For some time Angus neglected watching the news from the fronts. Germany still announced successes, their area expanded, but these successes were not so stunning as a year before. Russia would endure somehow to the winter, and next the cards turn round as before. Hitler had learned nothing and again, as earlier by Moscow, ordered the last offensive too late, in October. Besides, if he had cut the main artery of transport, Volga, this could have been a heavy blow to Soviets, but conquering a determinedly defended town was blank stupidity, no one could do it quick, before the winter.

More alarming appeared the Africa Front, where the so-called railway war, like a train moving forward and back on an imaginary railway, took Rommel deep into the territory of Egypt. Tobruk fell this time and it seemed as if Germany would reach the Suez Canal. Alas, a great part of the Arabian world was friendly to Germany, which even created the Arabian SS. The Brits had troubles with the Grand Mufti of Jerusalem, also further, all the way to the Euphrates and the Tiger. If now the huge German fangs between the Nile and the Caucasus compressed, this could turn Turkey, until now neutral with slight preference for the Allies, to alternate post, and then the position in the Near East would became desperate. However the English 8 Army launched a counteroffensive and at the beginning of November they won the battle at El Almain. At first, it looked like the beginning of a back-maneuver of the train, which already several times had pushed through Libya. But on the 7th of November began the "Operation Torch," a huge Allied fleet approached the western littorals of Africa, landing armies impounded Morocco and Algeria and this was surely the great turn in the war. Never mind Rommel and his Afrika-Korps, it was not a great force, if elite. But it marked the moment when the crisis on the Atlantic Ocean ended. The German submarines could not now perform so freely as at the beginning of this year, also in the air Germany lost its overconfidence, without this such a great enterprise could not succeed. America at last sent her armies nearby. Soon they came to Europe, which meant hope. However, Germany impounded French Tunisia and on the 19th of November surprised US armies coming from the west. The newspapers were full of details, how heavy the losses incurred by the Americans and how surprised they had been by the German offensive. Well, America had not previously a standing army, not mentioning the hundred thousands of soldiers. Now they hurriedly mobilized. The majority consisted of quickly trained recruits, and had to fight experienced front soldiers. Following this, in the first battles they were badly beaten. Germany announced the British 8 Army had stopped on the Mareth Line, not hurrying to help, but in fact this was a false lie. It was the 8 Army engaging the Afrika-Korps which prevented smashing the forehead of the US Army.

In November, parents received a surprising, special offer from a former customer to whom they sold once vodka under license, Mrs. Różanieckiej. For several years she managed the greatest business on Angus’ this side of Ostrowiec, on the Starachowice Road, opposite the outlet of Piaski Street. Now, for unclear causes she had to change address, jokingly she explained that doctor had ordered her a change of climate. She wanted to sell the restaurant, agreeing on a restrained price, but at once, now. Not a chance of delay, at the longest a week, or the deal was off. Finally Mother appealed to her brother in Warsaw and somehow managed a short-term loan, this business looked like a gold apple which sells for a few pennies.

Halfway through December 1942, a few minutes before seven o’clock Angus stretched his legs, roundabout evading the two new apartment houses at the opposite side of the road, one of red bricks and the other pale cement. Now the site of the Gestapo, it was some half a kilometer beyond the Gimnazjum, coming from Piaski Street. He first crossed Traugutt and Żeromski Streets, between the Gimnazjum (high school) and the facing primary school. This way, he avoided the Gestapo buildings, each time feeling physically concentrated hate, as well as repulsion and disgust. He could do nothing bad to them, so only concentrated with all his might, sent thoughts with the worst wishes, to injure them with force of mind. He fancied that he might somewhere find a devil and make a contract on his soul, and then with satanic power burn this place to earth and fill it up with sand and salt, or with water. Alas, it was a dumping ground of evil and dirt from hell and doubtful if devils would be willing to deal in such business.

It was cold, much more than twenty degrees of frost, but he felt so hot that after he went downhill by the embankment of the road, he had a moist forehead and gasped for breath. After a moment he felt fatigue and finally relief. Then road turned left, circling the hill with its church. But Angus, after tracing the chord of the arc, went straight by narrow bystreets all the way to the Marketplace. After the second side of the square, three iron posts ending with spheres precluded any vehicles, leaving only a passage for pedestrians walking steeply downhill to the broad main avenue. The further course of the road ran far in its first direction through town. The walking pass enclosed a barbed wire fence, which it was better not to approach. Especially from the right side, where after a second row of wires, the small and low cottages of the Ghetto settled, around them running a one-meter wide path, for armed guards. Great inscriptions on boards reminded the guard had orders to shoot without warning anyone who might approach close to the wire, or even just stop in the junction. But the cottages, also the distance between them and the enclosure looked empty, neither guards, nor any living soul. No motion, everywhere dark and dull. Only on the center of the bypass hurried a small stream of pedestrians, including Angus, never stopping.

All the time he hurried and despite great frost felt hot, only one hand cold, that, in which, alternating, he carried a folder with notebooks and school supplies. With stubbornness, through all the winter he never used gloves, but wanting not to irritate his mother, he put gloves on to exit the house and at once took them off and left them under the front steps. Now one arm he had clamped in a fist and hidden in his pocket and this gradually got warm, while the second, holding the folder, froze still more. When he had almost lost all feeling in it, changed over the hands. He shifted the folder to the first, and the ossified hand pushed in his pocket. He never wore a scarf either, only earflaps from the ski-cap lowered, because he did not want to lose his ears, and with lifted earflaps they would freeze for sure. He hurried in this way through the broad alley all the way to the bridge on Kamienna River, this was half of the way. Now he had to go further, about at least one and a half kilometers. Having passed the gate of the Iron Works he turned into Opatów Road and already could see the wooden buildings of the Mechanics School, but did not turn there, he had still a big piece to go straight. The Business School occupied now a greater part of a brick warehouse, his class was on the second floor. It was warm there, meaning warm when in a sweat he rushed in from the yard, but then not so warm, often they sat in class in their winter coats.

The students sat now on chairs, two by one table, Angus placed midway along the right-hand row. Tired from his speedy march, he sank in his chair and leaned on his elbows, half hanging on the small table. As neighbor he had Zdzisiek Domanski, a calm and quiet boy, never misunderstandings but good friendship. Alas, the boy had a little frail health and lived nearby the school, but faraway from Angus, so this friendship did not have the right conditions to evolve in comradeship. Characteristically, this boy, not belonging himself to the conspiracy, but related to one of the officers of The Command of Home Army and well oriented in Angus’ continuous ideas and mania, never released even a breath on this subject. Anyway natural, the same happened with other colleagues, for example two brothers of Maciek Kwiecienski "belonged" to organizations, the most elder was an officer of Main Commands AK in Warsaw, the second only a private. The brother of Julek Żuk, until he perished, was the member of the previously mentioned Diversion Squad. But they all took water in their mouths, Angus got the knowledge only later. Also Angus, when he had at last a secret to guard, never told a word even to his parents.

So, Angus’ hopes that in forming new acquaintances he might manage a contact to any secret organization did not give result. However, he persevered with the comradeship and relations, gained a few good colleagues and adjusted to life in a group. Surely, a long loneliness was not normal, a young man must enter life in a group of boy of similar age, if not, he inevitably becomes eccentric.

Angus decided the time spent in school could profitably be used to get ready, better prepare for the final effort, withcontinuing the physical exercises. He could not swim in winter. However the long way to school and back, a good nine kilometers, he treated as just such a training. Therefore he tried to go with maximum speed and force the pace, even if he had time. Normally it would take one and a half hours to classes, but gradually he came earlier and earlier, often he was the first in class, for a few minutes he sat breathing deeply. Eventually, when he left the house late, he managed spend on the way one hour and a quarter and still was on time. He returned more slowly because often he went with colleagues, but only for part of the route, and then he speeded up again.

Leaving off gloves and scarf resulted also from the same plans. It began from a hearsay story about someone who perished, unexpectedly meeting a German sentry, armed, but with his hands in gloves. He went for his weapon, but had not a chance. Sure any soldier in the winter, if at the critical moment he has to take off his gloves to seize his weapon, is for a moment handicapped. In short, Angus imagined that to prepare for an emergency, he must develop resistance, adapt his hands to the frost. Often, on entering school he was already warming his hands, and at home, when he used a high-speed method, in a washbasin of hot water, the pain was infernal. His fingers got hard, red and hot, and rubbing them was unbearable. But the plan turned out effective, surely the circulation in his arms got better and better. And although never it turned out necessary in battle, this custom of not using gloves whatever the temperature remained with him all his life, all the way to old age. The adaptation also included sleeping with uncovered feet, good for circulation in the legs, although this he did not keep all the way to old age.

After returning from school Angus had various household responsibilities and usually did a few hours’ turn of duty behind the counter in the family beerhouse, there were not any clients, so simultaneously he did his lessons. Not every day, but at least a few times a week, in the evenings he visited colleagues, to exchange a book, talk, or play chess. He had around three kilometers to Pukalski, and almost four to Maciek Kwiecienski, on average daily he walked thirty kilometers, not counting the small distance in the neighborhood. He tried always, if not immersed too deep in daydreams, to go quick, and even to run some sections. For example through meadows or pastures, also along the Common Street, usually empty. More frequent running, something like jogging, even if healthy, was impossible for a simple reason. A running man turned attention on himself and this could end badly, as a suspect he could provoke aggression by any met Germans, or dogs for that matter. So he might run a bit in meadows or in a forest, but when on the horizon appeared any people, better stop and walk.

Angus entered a time of developing his health and strength, he still caught cold often, but even if tired or ill, he quickly regenerated. The more he spent energy, the more quickly he recovered. He felt intensively alive as never before, simply splendid, fatigue and cold, even wet legs were mere trifles. Only riding a bicycle somehow he still could not manage, although he tried many times. He still did not recover body equilibrium. His colleagues, excluding a great frost or bad weather, usually came to school on bicycles. He admittedly went on foot more speedily than most, but of course could not match a bicycle.

By end of winter the way changed and stretched, because the foot passage suddenly closed. There remained only one route, the road around the church-hill. Unexpectedly, there occurred a tragedy. One day, Angus walked with a few colleagues, pushing their bicycles. This day, one of the first in April, they had class later, beginning about noon and finishing late. It already was getting dark, the snow melted, the wet street in part covered with sheets of ice, or here and there piled up prisms of long-standing, hard snow. They talked animatedly; they had heard the news the Germans had deported all the Jews this very day, in the afternoon, a few hours before. They stopped at the end of the Alley, where the road made a great circle to the right and noticed, the passage uphill opened, the barbed wire cut and then again mended, careless. But the yellow boards, announcing sudden death, were hanging again. The houses and small cottages stood with open doors, obviously empty, the pavement and ground around covered with unrecognizable garbage. They watched a short time, then approached the fence, but the guards had vanished. The picture slowly got in their consciousness. Whatever they had heard about the hard conditions and plight of the Jews, about the ghetto, how the death rate grew and life worsened, it was a big surprise. At the beginning, in this ghetto had lived about twenty thousand people. This number decreased to a few thousands, not only caused by death, but also many still able to work taken to coercive work. They did the slave labor some distance off, but not to Germany. Such mass transports as in the Warsaw Ghetto, never happened here. Rather, it was a misery, cold and poor supplies, that got the people down, quietly. A similar fate happened to the Poles, only they did not live in an enclosure. Despite this the Poles expected, a great part of the Jews to survive, like them. What happened in such a short time?

Angus reacted without thinking, rapidly: "Guys, see here. I shall go this old way. I have to see, maybe there are still some hideaways alive here, needing relief. If I meet Germans I’ll explain to them that I used to go every day through here to the school and returned the same way. I saw the shortcut open again and I have to hurry home because of the curfew." His friends seized him, trying to hold him back, but with bicycles in hands, could not, he tore out easily and parting the wires, threw over one leg and pushed himself through, finally taking his cap, hanging on a spike. Pukalski cautioned all to be quiet, shouts could arouse attention and worsen the moment. Angus never stopped, starting uphill. Looking back, he saw they had decided not to abandon the bicycles, Pukalski and Żuk had mounted, only Maciek Kwiecienski intently waved his arms and for a change knocked with one forefinger on his forehead.

Darker, but still not quite dark, the days stretched and got longer quickly. The remainders of snow, melting slowly in the narrow passage also served to brighten the background. Halfway to the marketplace, Angus turned left into one of the narrow, cobbled bystreets. Almost all the houses stood with wide open door, in the lane much glass, most of the windowpanes smashed. On the pavement he trampled and sometime stumbled on small objects, he could not exactly see and recognize what. Perhaps thrown out piece of furniture, as if the people packed in a hurry, wanted to take away something and next threw it out. Maybe took a part away, because there remained little furniture, either inside or out.

In reality, the truth was different. The ghetto, enclosed and more and more drastically cut away from the world, this winter was touched not only by famine but also cold. Still in summer of the preceding year, the transport of wood was no problem at all, into the ghetto drove many wagons with wood. Then the Germans constantly imposed difficulties, at last in 1942 only the rich could get permits for the entry of a car, an extra form of robbery, a pass cost heavy money. Jews could survive winter only in one manner, lighting a fire with furniture and long-standing hoards of firewood. Of course they did this sparingly, because the poor people thought that whatever they had, had to last for the whole winter and who knows how long after that. My God, if they knew what to expect, they could have at least this cruel winter not frozen so badly. This was the reason their houses even earlier had appeared so friendless, dark and quiet, the people huddled together in dark and cold.

Anyway, Angus never met a living soul, turning in one of the narrow passages, then another one. All the way the same view, houses open, the widows without glass, some fragment obstructing the way. Three years later, in 1945 he again saw a similar picture, in cities and little towns in East Germany. Only not hampered, he could take a longer look, and the localities presented themselves much better, compared to this extreme misery, manmade.

For a long time he did not notice the dead, but finally stumbled on corpses, elderly people, incompletely dressed, and later, unexpectedly, a few children. For some moments he hoped some might be alive and breathing. He prodded the small corpses. Whatever had before been a little human being, trusting for protection and defense to its elders, was already cold. This child must have died long ago.

In this moment he panicked. All the courage, spirit, human feelings, well, the ability to think left him, blind fear raised the hairs on his head. If this memory returned, it always mixed with shame and humiliation, never before or after did he experienced such a terror, and there were some worse causes. When the paroxysm passed, came to him the full understanding that he had placed himself in a site which he might never abandon, because his corpse might remain here among many. If he met a patrol, surely nobody would ask him anything, what an idiotic idea, who would care about explanations, he would not manage even to open his mouth. They would simply hit him on sight and leave him for the clean-up crew. This was neither rashness nor madness. This was a pure, blank stupidity, which costs life. The ultimate time to turn to God and ask him for a miracle, but does the Lord have time to hear out the pleas of all cretins?

There was nobody who would care or help, better to vanish as quick as possible. But the moment of losing his senses had caused Angus to somehow lose his orientation, mixed up the lanes, in the gathering darkness could not distinguish the details. Impossible, this was a small area, which he passed every day, attending school. The lesser ghetto, going straight a hundred meters he should meet the border. When at last he found the known passage, it was already the curfew hour. For a second time, he found a gap in the wires. There was not even a need to separate them. He could reach home going straight, passing Gestapo buildings and the two schools, full of Germans, or try the sideway to Pieracki Street and around the primary school. He went straight, down the middle-of-the-road and loudly knocking with his boots, as if announcing, he is not hiding. If stopped now, he had a chance to talk, to explain the late hour. But going round between the private houses, he was sure to alarm all the dogs. He approached now the two buildings of the Gestapo, for a moment in doubt, if the way by the sandy outlet was not a better choice. But his luck had returned, and after crossing between the Gimnazjum and primary schools, he was already on familiar ground, almost home. Of course, Angus never mentioned to his parents, where and how he was. They had already enough stress in his long absence. Instead of speaking, he preferred to ask and hear the news.

 Capsule: Liquidation of the Ostrowiec Ghetto. Rising in the Warsaw Ghetto.

According to what he heard from his parents, the Ostrowiec Ghetto rubbed out from earth mainly Jewish police supervised by the Germans. There was no resistance and the Germans directed only a small force, the substantial task was carried out by the ruffian renegades and traitors mentioned in Chapter 8. Mainly criminals, who occur in every community, got oak cudgels and served their chiefs displaying full zeal, fervently expecting praise, recognition and a better fate for themselves. The occupants deliberately and consciously delegated the dirty work to their willing serfs. They began to drive out the people from the houses a short time after 10 o’clock and formed, placed and drilled them outside. After hours of inhuman drill and training, they herded and marched the disciplined column to the railway. All the time, the German supervisors encouraged them to leave no weak or sick, who might create a problem in transport. Blackmailed with promise of personal safety, they did all the atrocities, expecting a better treatment for themselves.

A terrible vision, exactly like the tragedy that happened to the German population, when the Nazis drove them out in winter 1945 before the breaking East front. Many elements were exactly copied, but at these times the SS maltreated not the Jews, but the evacuated Germans.

After liquidating the ghetto, in the neighborhood remained a few camps with the Jewish workers earlier selected and quartered in barracks. They hoped for survival, not as compensation following a criminal service to Germans, but believed their work to be necessary, even after the ghetto liquidation. At the beginning of July 1943, an AK troop conquered the camp in Częstocice, the nearest to Ostrowiec. A part of the armed guards, the so-called Werkschutz (consisting of Ukrainians) perished fighting, the rest threw down arms. However, even then and despite the fact they had received a message before, they refused to exit from the camp and remained there. Such cases happened more often. What can one tell? People in crisis believe what they want to believe. Even if this is absurd.

However, this points to the issue that after years of occupation propaganda, between Poles and Jews began a problem with mutual trust and collaboration. Following this, it is necessary to clear the question of the so-called anti-Semitism in Poland.

At the time, Angus knew little about the long, almost thousand year history of coexisting Poles and Jews in Poland. Even less, about the last couple of centuries, the mutual defense and tradition of freedom fighting. Nothing at all, about the so-called "pogroms," the terrorist-predatory racist attacks approved by rapacious, alien authorities, and often directly organized by them. He had been born and brought up in a family with the so-called Endecia tradition, meaning the National-Democratic Party, with stress on the nationalistic. In the independent Poland after 1918 most of the top politicians, e.g., Pilsudski, Paderewski, Daszyński, Sikorski appeared in opinion as philo-Semites, Dmowski and National-Democrats as anti-Semites, but without any strong-hand actions. The term meant only sympathy or lack of it. Everyone has a right to personal feelings. Only later, across all of Europe did the meaning of the word anti-Semite change to a sinister one, because of the German example. Also in Poland this caused some imitation, by a small group of youth. But with the law commonly respected, the Polish laws were equal and objective.

Some stress resulted from the economic causes, a subject explained in details in Chapter 8. With too many refugees from the east, in the twenty years of independence the number of Jews almost doubled, surely not by the birthrate only. With almost all the refugees poor and trained solely in small business, services, craftsmanship and at best the so-called free professions, the competition in the worker market was bad, literally mortal. In many countries even today such conditions lead to serious trouble.

In fact, both the Endecia (National Democracy) and the Jewish Zionist organizations recognized and agreed the only reasonable solution would be to increase the Jewish emigration. Beside the extremes, almost all the middle groups accepted this too. Continuously piling up the refugees on the Polish dumping ground was too great a weight for Polish economics. The Interwar territory, about a tenth of the country in the 16th or 17th century, could not accommodate them. If the problem would have been solved in time, the bloody madman, seeking greatness in the altitude of the prism of the corpses he had killed, could never perform so macabre a show.

At the time of the German occupation, the authorities of the Polish Underground and the Delegates of Polish Emigration Government, also the National-Democratic party tried to provide any possible help and support to persecuted Jews. And to show that those are not empty words, the best example is a writer, theoretician of anti-Semitism, the priest Stanisław Trzeciak, who perished assassinated on the steps of his church in Warsaw for sheltering Jews. This was the most widely known case at the time, but there were many others, such as the leader of the radical-national youth, Jan Mosdorf.

Hiding Jews, the Germans considered then the heaviest offense, punished by death on the spot, then and there, without delay, as for killing of a German. In Chapter 8 was mentioned the case of a house burned to the ground with all tenants, a matter of pure routine. Angus saw also a village Bór Kunowski, about ten kilometers from his home, with houses and some forty-six people burned for concealment of a few Jews. Poland was the only European country where Germans applied such extreme steps. In such conditions, hiding a hunted refugee often cost the lives of many people. Besides Jews, it happened also in case of POWs. Despite all, Poles managed to save some, maybe up to five percent of the Jews, but this cost maybe twice as many or more dead Poles.

On the 19th of April erupted the rising in the Warsaw Ghetto. Neither the first nor the only, already earlier there had been open battles with the Germans in the Warsaw Ghetto. Also in Bialystok and the ghettos of some smaller towns on the eastern borderland, the birthplace of the ŻZW (Jewish Military Society), next the ŻOB (Jewish Combat Organization) and others organizations, closely cooperating with the AK. The underground press in daily reported in details the Warsaw revolt. The Polish Home Army took part in the fighting by sending patrols, relieving operations, and according to the ability, supplying the insurgents with weapons, provisions and volunteers. The large share of arms was delivered to the insurgents, although the AK had too few in the town. About this, how high weapons were valued then see in the next chapters; in short, more than life.

Sure, the Jews did to these weapons full credit. The rising continued for three weeks, which may seem unlikely. Every day the Polish illegal press announced the communiqués, considered the event the most striking, despite the reality that news from other fronts might also be of importance. Not long ago had came to an end the Stalingrad battle and only now were new details being published. Exactly now happened the desperate try to evacuate the Rommel Army and the Italians from Africa, rather an agony. On the 26th of April the Soviets broke diplomatic relations with the Polish Government on Emigration, although nobody supposed the Allies would on this account abandon Poland, like a hot potato. For a longti Nazi propaganda had blown the trumpet about Katyń. However, nobody believed this, at worst some thought it might be a common crime of the Soviets and the Nazis and now the two culprits were denouncing one the other. Yet the Polish government had to ask about its citizens, no way out, and the mere question determined Poland’s fate and cost many more thousands of slain. Whatever the truth, the Allies had to adhere to the Soviets, for if Hitler stopped the war against Stalin, the Western Democracies may not survive. They had no choice, much better, throw the already used card in the rubbish, forget honor, law and treaties.

Despite the dramatic news, all the underground papers put the Ghetto rising on the first page. All the Poles began conversations with one question – What is happening in Warsaw? After the answer – They still fight – the next standard question was – How can it be possible, with forces so much out of proportion? The hopeless case, the heroic battle particularly appealed to the Poles, who understand and knew this from their own experience.

After the 10th of May, the comment was – Now comes our turn. But we will fight all; never allow them to cut our throats like sheep. Because, although the heroic last battle of the Jews met with admiration and respect, it was done at the last moment, too late, when already more than nine tenths of the people were dead. It had no practical influence on their doom, only for the coming generations and for the whole world, as an example and appeal to humanity. Angus and many others spun presumptions, how fate would have turned if the Jews and the Poles had held united. If the Jews one year earlier had decided to start a military collaboration in common war. Sincerely speaking, the Poles also had their breaking-point under the German terror in 1940, although active war never stopped.

As the Poles had decided in 1941, and Jews only in 1943, there is no way but to fight, as long as one can hold weapons in arms. It is better to perish in battle. Anyway the enemy shall continue the war against the defenseless with more cruelty. "The definitive solution of the Jewish question" by Hitlerism also opened the eyes of Poles about what they may expect. Nobody had any doubts, all agreed, that already in year 1939 one should have fought in such a manner, in each place, all the way, to the death. If everybody had realized with what an enemy we had to fight, surely the Germans could never have entered Poland. When the war stopped, the Germans multiplied the tempo of murdering the people.

Well, such was the common belief, shared too by Angus for many years after the war, however it proved false. Only after the fall of the communist regime, with better access to information, did he revise his view. They already had taken the maximum effort, mobilizing more than a fifth of the population, almost all men fit, able to take arms; there remained only the old, children and women, with a few single family breadwinners. Alas, also some criminals and scum, existing in every society; these were not interested in any ideals, ready to serve anyone in power. The volunteers, unlucky, fell in a double bind after the Soviet invasion, did not accept Soviet citizenship, like brave patriots opted for the Polish. The Soviets arrested them and deported them to Siberian gulags. But the remaining community, without men, unable to fight, defend themselves, was already dying out. German atrocities were unnecessary. No wonder, one could sometimes see columns led to the death camps with an escort of "Hitlerjugend" teenagers or a few jailers. In fact, the Polish Jews played all their cards at the beginning and it resulted in a tragedy. Without any aces left, nobody cared about them. It was a similar case as with the Poles, after they played all they had at the start, without trumps left, the Allies threw them to the wolves.

The time spent in the Business School, including the spring of 1943, was for Angus a time of maturing; despite the occupation terror, the best period of his youth. He formed friendships and amiable relations and found one group of boys in school , and next a second one around the house where he lived.

The beerhouse, a temporary source of family support, his parents rented from the owner, a widow with four offspring. The deceased father and husband came from the small neighboring town of Bodzentyń. A fair carpenter and joiner, he found a satisfactory job with the industry boom in Ostrowiec in the prewar extension and inflation of COP and building reconstruction. He bought a few of ground by Starachowice Road and build there a house, and next a second one in the nearby woods. Dying right before the war (not from fatigue and overwork, but because of a stomach cancer), he left his family provided for. Mrs. Szumilas had not a high, but a steady income, renting the front part of the house for a restaurant, located right at the approach to the town. Besides, she rented three more apartments or rather small bachelor flats and lived on the back side of the main, long building, perpendicular to the Road and to the second long house. In the backyard, several sheds and then a far strip of forest drew along downwards, to meadows at the riverside.

The wooden houses of typical construction, connected to the local popular tradition of the Swiętokrzyskie Mountains, presented a masterwork, a reminder of the man’s skill. Every detail done with engagement, or rather love, creating a home for his family. All the rooms were of uniform width, the same as the house, but differed in length, forming an amphillade, no corridors, only entrances on the front and back, and two side doors about the middle. From the road the front entrance invited the guests to the bar with its buffet, followed by a private, smaller room where VIPs could sit in calm and rest. Next followed a kitchen with a stove, a cupboard, descent to cellar below and side exit on the yard.

The further part of the house formed the apartment of the owner, entered from the back through a large glass veranda, next in succession followed the kitchen and two rooms. The whole house was adorned with different apprenticeships cut out in wood, especially so the beams of the veranda, glazed below with colored glass. The house was not all cellared. Two separate basements had separate entrances, one from the yard by the veranda with brickwork stairs, the smaller with access from a cupboard. The wood construction, well filled, rested on bricks. It was built to could survive ages. Between basements remained a great section of earth. Angus mused about excavating here one more, secret basement, covert room, but lacked the necessary qualifications and skills.

Now the back kitchen occupied Mother, no way to accommodate more people, so Father with Angus (the two men, Angus considered with pride) rented one room close by. It was at the former Gimnazjum boardinghouse, the same in which was once located the canteen for the displaced camp prisoners (where Angus got and carried home the hot soup in winter and spring 1940). Now, no warm soup anymore, all had to take care of themselves in private. Still lived here many displaced people (temporarily but in fact permanently). This little room they took contained only two beds, a table and one small wardrobe. They used it only at night as a bedroom. The distance from Mother, kitchen, food and the beerhouse was not a full hundred meters and there they spent the whole day. Of course, considering that Angus spent the greater part of the day in school and still a little time with colleagues. Usually he did lessons, read and sat with friends when they visited, in the little central room, where stood three small tables with chairs. Rarely went here a special clients. When the bell hanging over the door announced business, Angus went behind the counter and served the client. If there happened a big order, in need he called one of the parents. When the business was slow and all tasks done, occasionally he played cards with Father, the immortal game of preference, but never such long marathons as before. Only the two of them (with the imaginary grandfather as third), because they knew so well the play and one other, that no one else would have a chance. There were no amateurs. No doubt, they could play in tournaments or on show in the circus, or professionally for money, so good, they would probably be suspected of cheating. But that would not do, Father was against gambling on principle. Anyway, Angus found this dull, there was only to deal out cards, the bids and, knowing all, they did not play to the end, anticipating the outcome they agreed on the result. If there was a discussion and argument, the first trick or two cleared the issue. Angus found no pleasure. But Father still liked the play.

The Szumilas family, besides the widow, a tall, still handsome woman of about fifty years, astonishing strong and agile and well organized and judicious (although not well-educated), counted four children. The oldest son, Ignacy was already an adult man, tall, dry, a little slanted and swarthy, known for his strength. The second son Adam, almost two years older than Angus, of average stature, well-built, distinguished himself in primary school and therefore had to attend the High School for the ambitions of himself and his family lay in education. In the wartime, both brothers worked in Ostrowiec Mechanic Works, the elder in the foundry, the younger in the laboratory. For the best laboratory personnel the Works organized more professional education and he found opportunity to widen his horizons. He read a lot and cared strongly about science and knowledge.

Soon Adam made acquaintance with Angus, whom he respected because of the four almost finished classes (although Angus never boasted, somehow he heard this). Angus lent him Kendall's Modern Alchemy and some other books from The Library of Knowledge, also some gathered already for the future, which still he did not understand. For example, a ragged Organic Chemistry by Tołłoczko for the 8th class (of the old type, as well as for professional schools), bulky and hard. He understood only fragments, but occasionally opened and tested with fervor, chiefly descriptions of experiments. Alas, Adam did no better, but he understood some other fragments, being more familiar with the techniques of chemical experiments. Little by little, mutually they enlightened, but the majority as before they could not understand, which filled them with even greater respect. Angus borrowed more chemical books and gave a couple of popular science. Metallography he recognized as interesting and accessible. At last they played a few parties of chess, Angus played already better, but the difference was not too great. Next, they tried also volleyball, both starting from null and beginning, they played occasionally one-on-one, but Angus made feeble progress while Adam, being by nature deft and quick, left him a long way back.

The older of the two daughters was already a striking beauty, but still taking no interest in boys. She spent her time in company of her sister, or the bunch of girls. Angus did not search for a girl, constantly yearning for only one person, however on her he looked with genuine admiration, when casually she played ball with friends. Finally the younger daughter was still an ugly duckling, bony although already tall, her expectations not bad. All the children were strong, it looked as if both the parents had delivered to posterity exceptional physical efficiency. The family visited often a cousin, namesake of the mentioned Adam, also Adam Szumilas, but from Bodzentyn. He was a godson of Mrs. Szumilas and his father, brother of the deceased Szumilas from Ostrowiec, was a godfather to Adam Szumilas from Ostrowiec. The two families hung close together, and if possible, even closer the two Adams, more like blood brothers. There was also a close family likeness, only the Adam from Bodzentyn was a year older, bigger and stronger. Even in this family of exceptional genes, he had the reputation of an iron man.

To the young Szumilas came a group of friends, mainly comrades working in Ostrowiec Iron Works, living in the neighborhood. Mrs. Szumilas called them "a bachelor house" or "bachelor flat," first, they must know how to behave to be accepted. They had their private corner, namely in the basement, especially divided in two separate places. Sure, in fine weather it was to better to sit on a bench outside, or play ball, but on ugly days they largely played poker in the basement and of course conversed. Mrs. Szumilas did not tolerate alcohol and only exceptional it happened that they smuggled in a couple of glasses, sparsely. Sometimes someone changed the place for neighboring rooms and went to the beerhouse for a glass of "bimber" (moonshine vodka), but rarely. With time Angus joined in their game of volleyball. Although the level of this play was lower than on the sports field in the forest below Traugutt Street, even so Angus was a poor player. Adam Szumilas, the one from Ostrowiec, made good progress and learned better. Through all the war-years this game was the main and almost only athletic discipline. There was need only a minimum of equipment, a ball and a net, in worst case it was enough to have a string and one could seek a convenient field. However, Angus moved awkwardly, spoiled many strokes and could play only when there was not a better player around. He wanted to play and do it well, yet again he could only dream.

About the middle of June Angus was reading a book on the bench straight under the window of the small room, a thick plank on four pegs. He had made it recently not only for reading outside in the warm weather, but he could go out and return through this window (also a convenient shortcut to his bedroom in the boardinghouse). It was late afternoon, rather evening, but with the longest summer days, the bench stood in full sun, from the west side of the house. So he lay on the bench and held the book low, in the shadow, because the vivid light almost blinded him. At some moment he heard voices from the open peephole in the basement of the host, placed a couple of meters from his head. The two Adams Szumilas talked there, the one from Bodzentyń must have come not long ago, strange, that with such fine weather, they preferred to go down in the basement. Surely a bench outside would be more agreeable.

Angus never intended to eavesdrop on their conversation, but going now would make a commotion. Anyway, before he had decided what to do, he jolted as with an electric shock. Adam the Arrival said that if he may, he would sleep this night there, because he had standing orders to contact someone there, in Ostrowiec, and he could not find the person. He would do this first-thing in the morning and then go right back to Michniów. The last name stirred nothing in his memory, but the word "orders" hit Angus. If he heard right, perhaps, yes, it could mean he at last had found his dreams come true.

Still hesitant, he listened now shamelessly. All is allowed in war and love. No matter, it is what he should never do, now was happening what he had searched for all his short life. If he met the most beautiful girl, or under his legs found a gold mine, well, including diamonds, or suddenly could fly to the sky, this could not match the exciting thrill of success. At least, if he was not mistaken!

They spoke quietly now, almost noiseless. Angus heard only a murmur, but then, occasionally he heard more distinctly one or several words, the gaps he filled up with his fantasy. Unsure if he guessed right.

"...na short plunge...three soldiers screened...with overcoats...map and a palm-flashlight...me, to explain the terrain...

I know it like my own pocket...every detail...such and fold of the ground, enabling the approach...to the position...Well, he said if you knew the neighborhood, take fifteen volunteers and proceed first, the unit follows...I knew how to go in the dark without rustle or stumble...before the Germans at all...the whole squad, only three wounded...I led on like after a string...but suddenly...near the place where we started...an old fox often comes back to the old route.

Then Gloomy (now Angus heard this distinctly) gave me a handshake and said "thank you, colleague," and thanked and embraced all the boys who went with me!"

The tone rose by the end. Angus sensed the narrator was moved, keen and maybe wanted to boast a little. A human weakness, but if he ever survived such a moment, surely afterwards he would crack from pride. Adam Szumilas from Bodzentyń at last could not hold back and poured out his story to his namesake, who was both his closest friend and blood relative. Like a proper brother, which he never had; Adam Szumilas from Ostrowiec had, but much older, so the two were the closest family members. Now the guest opened his mouth but only to a man of whom he was as sure as himself, almost his alter ego.

Even so, they went to the basement, the most secluded and private place, where they could be alone and here they spoke almost in a whisper, only under the influence of excitement, the voice impulsively became louder. A unique coincidence, that he lay on the bench, only recently made and with his head about two meters distant from the small window. If his head had been at the opposite end of the bench, he would have heard nothing, could never have distinguished any words.

Angus remained like petrified, where he was, he did not even twitch, when they moved from the peephole and now only a light murmur of voices remained audible. Perhaps they sat down now on benches around the table of the "bachelor flat." Maybe, soon would come some more boys to play poker. He waited without any motion, till he heard steps and afterwards closing of the doors. The second doors he could not notice, because they were on the other side of the house, near the veranda. Only then he slipped into the central room, still with open book in his hand, but he surely did not remember one word he had read.

What luck, what a crazy, undeserved piece of luck, almost more than his ability to realise. Only now this penetrated his consciousness. By accident he had found a contact, which he had sought so long without success. His future cleared, as he almost lost all hope. Just unbelievable!

But even so, he could hardly approach a barely familiar man and tell him, he overheard his conversation and wants to volunteer as a guerrilla, could he accept him in? It would be necessary to think it all over, acting faultlessly. Once, an unlikely chance happened, but to expect it twice was too much. Angus felt like Count Monte Christo, after he found the treasure, but could not take the risk to be careless, lose again his chances. Wait till you elaborate an intelligent plan, and the first step was, close a better acquaintance, well, an appeasement, like that of the soldiers of the National Defense in 1939, with the Żydowo estate.

However, this day he could not make more progress. First the two young men were talking with the family and next came more youngsters to the "bachelor house" and they spent the evening together, eventually sat down to poker. Angus, although rarely visiting the basement, went also this time and tried a little poker and "Chemin de fer" but only losing time with some small coins. Anyway, the "Arrival Adam" never sat to play, not to mention any opportunity for private conversation. Next morning he was already gone.

So Angus tried at least to cultivate the acquaintance to the local Adam Szumilas, play with him chess or ball and talk about his life plans about further education. With Adam working in the laboratory and already knowing a little more about chemistry, Angus too became interested in this discipline, which in future had a permanent effect. But now, it was only a subject of conversations, with Angus contributing the popular-science part, a few new theories, and Adam the professional practice.

In short, from this time Angus attached himself to Adam like a burr to a dog’s tail. And over the next week's, he was able to exchange a few words with the Adam from Bodzentyń, well, his cousin presented him as his friend. They talked only some minutes and surely not in private, but it was a good beginning. However, the occasional visits stopped then, till the end of June the "Arrival" did not arrive anymore.

Full of hope, Angus was at a loss, how prepare his mother for this, when it should come time to abandon home. He wanted to not just write her a letter, as he did in 1939, on the other hand he could not tell her straight; anyway it might be still premature. With Father there would be another kettle of fish, a man would understand a man better. He chose an indirect method; in those days they began to discuss the guerrilla news reported in the underground press. A couple of such papers Angus brought home, although in earlier years his parents condemned the illegal press as a huge risk, without any advantage to the Polish people. To the Germans, the parents said, they do no damage, yet many Poles perished, or arrested, are perishing in the concentrations camps. Not necessary a careless habit and surprise search, nor German spies, it happened sometime that some scoundrel, hating a proper man, would write an anonymous denunciating letter. Sometimes not with the worst intent, he may be too stupid to realize he is killing an indirectly way, considering this only a minor malice. At first, people only died for something serious, worth it, like hiding weapons. But dying for a piece of paper is a simple stupidity.

Anyway, Angus brought a few illegal papers and his parents read them all. Mainly the Bulletin of Information, which besides news from the radio (possession of a radio was also punished with death), announced Communiqués of the Home Army Headquarters. A couple of times also The Informant, edited by the NSZ (National Armed Forces). In this paper, which he specially gave his mother, were descriptions of colorful, artistically written, if imaginary battles with the Germans, supposedly the NSZ always beat and minced the Germans, full of fantasy. Strokes like from the Sienkiewicz pen with addition of the current soldiers’ slang, a joyful creation, well, invention for strengthening of hearts. Neither the events nor the described men ever existed. Interesting, why after the war, at least several new Sienkiewicz-type writers did not write more of the supposedly historic, or perhaps fantasy books.

At the beginning, Angus read this with strong emotions, yet gradually came the doubt, he only hoped Mother, not familiar with military matters would not recognize the rigmarole for what it was. Anyway, after preparing so the soil, he began to plant the seed, about the duty of men, especially the young, to their country. Always the youth first seized arms to defend their sisters, mothers and fathers, well, families and all compatriots. On this Mother answered this does not include children, because they present the future and hope of the nation, anyway they would be no-good in battle. The death of the old is a lesser wrong; they have already lived more of their life. But the children and babies should be first to develop, three times a day praying to God for a pinch of sound reason. She never heard of an army, taking in boys of fourteen, on the violent protest of Angus, who would be fifteen soon, she added, of fifteen years either.

"After all, you do not suppose the war will last still a couple of years," argued Angus, "and suppose I sit the whole time indoors, hiding behind your skirt. All my life I could not look anybody eye to eye, everybody would despise me and I would also have to despise myself. Hundred times better to perish, than to lead such a life. Do understand – now he forestalled the protests of Mother – I have not the wish to perish, never, but to live without honor would be worse. This would be a choice between ordinary doom, and the worst possible fate, a hell."

"Stupid," retorted Mother, "a living dog is worth more as a dead lion. I have lived longer, seen more than you, believe me. And speaking already about this, did you ever think about your mother? I lost once one child, if you did not live, I would not care for life. If you do a silly deed, you shall have two lives on your conscience. If you want to defend others, think also about your mother, you may have some more duties. And besides you still are good for nothing; each German could with ease kill a child, and then exaggerating praise himself, as if he bested a man."

Angus felt the sting, undeserved, he considered he was man worth as much as any other. In this moment came to his memory a fragment of a Spartan March by Tyrtej:

On this, the indignant mother told him, now she grudged the coins which the whole family had detracted from their mouths, so he could learned such stupid verses. That is cretinism which they should forbid and erase from the books. She in person would go talk over this subject with his teacher.

They repeated several times such arguments, without result. Nevertheless, Angus tried to prepare Mother so his next step would not be too great a shock. He decided to try his luck with the guerrillas as soon as he finished his classes, the rest would follow, as God may allow.

1st of July 1943 Angus received the certificate of the Business School. His bad start in the first semester caused it to be far from the best, only about in half were the results good or excellent. Experience of life, the most important is the first impression. If he only had done the same amount of work, but from the beginning, not after the parent-teacher meeting! Anyway, somehow he pulled through and made up for the faults. Except shorthand and technical alphabet, the only subject in which he got only a satisfactory mark. The painter-woman teaching the subject did never change her appreciation, anyway, she was right. Despite his efforts, he never learned drawing and his handwriting was ugly.

On return home, he unexpectedly found his former colleague from the secret lessons, Stach Konar. In the past year they had met rarely, but never losing contact. Now Stach proposed a walk. On the way they came across a few young men unknown to Angus and Stach introduced them to each other. Angus had the impression that Stach was behaving a little strangely, presenting him and telling about his strong sides as if trading a horse. For example, he assured the friends that this year in Business School Angus was doing well indeed, admittedly before he was not bad, but only in the matter of books. Now he was maturing and experiencing real life. To Angus’ wonder, who took this a joke, they in fact expressed some opinions on him, like – he may do, in general approving. He honestly had the sense he was on display like in a fair.

Not understanding all this, in some moment came to his head the thought that maybe Stach had recommended him to a secret organization and this was an inspection before possible acceptance. But no further word they spoke on the subject, the conversation fell to current matters and after a moment Angus began to suppose, this was an illusion. Maybe he needed medical attention, was having hallucinations, soon would see ghosts or spirits in bright daylight, because he already had dreams coming true. They went for a long walk through the pastures, then along Pieracki Street all the way to Garden Street and back, at last Stach asked Angus if he had time after dinner.

"Yes, of course."

"Good, because I want to show you something. But I ask you, never show surprise, and don’t make any comment, only look attentively. Memorize the most details you can, we will talk later and any observations keep for the future."

All this appeared rather mysterious, again Angus’ heart filled with hope and curiosity. Yet, when they met after midday, all looked normal, the usual conversation of colleagues who meet after a longtime. Stach told about himself, he had finished the four classes of Gimnazjum including the humanities subjects; Latin was the worst and demanded indeed an effort. Next he asked Angus how he was doing at his school and what with colleagues, how he managed with girls. Angus had not much to say. Admittedly he looked often, at times devouring some whole with his eyes, but did not want to engage, because he already was, elsewhere. However, each of the boys had his favorite; it did not mean anything, in fact might rarely serve to bring them together. Still, each dreamed about some girl and confided his feelings in his friends. So Angus too, in order not to be the odd one out, chose an imaginary object of his desire.

He chose on purpose a girl with whom he had no chance. In this case he did not chose first considering looks. Sincerely speaking, there were others he found more pleasing and on these he liked to look during lessons, but rather intelligence. He admitted to the boys the most pleasant to him was the top girl in the class, Vanda Barach. This was a girl talkative and quick, always something to say, surrounded by the group of girls whom she ruled (she liked to govern, very-much). With time Angus in the secrecy of his soul, compared her to a gaggling goose. However, she had two essential qualities. First, a genuine intelligence, including also a quick mind; she reached accurate conclusions in new affairs more quickly than others, not excluding Angus. The second quality resulted from the first, namely she offered little time to boys, but Angus she cut out from the beginning and consistently, all the time. To tell the truth, a justified act, because Angus was strange in a coeducational class, at the beginning did not know to behave. He arrived, a boy from a school for boys, to an altogether alien world of girls.

Anyway, Angus could without risk goggle at her a few minutes during the first lessons, with calf eyes, and next without comment to his colleagues, only sigh deeply and say nothing. Never any danger that Vanda suddenly might soften and take an interest in his person and so it remained.

Deep in his soul Angus carried another picture and remembered there all his love, although also without hope. But from altogether different causes, here he was sure of mutual love and this gave a little comfort. Many of the manners of this love he could not understand, he could never agree that they must meet only once in life and next beyond the grave. But he did not treat this as determined, on the contrary, in life anything can happen. His guiding spirit told him that they would meet, it was necessary to wait, but somewhere and sometime such a moment must follow. But even if they were never to meet again, besides love and worship he would always keep the greatest gratefulness. Nothing could change the memory of the greatest luck in his life. Even with calamity, he preferred this feeling over ten successful affairs. He became boundlessly enamored, and this mystery could never be told, anyway not during their lives.

So he told the official version: Yes, there is a girl, who has many qualities, but alas one significant blemish: She has bad taste, he was altogether displeasing to her. Stach laughed patronizingly and said he would teach him an elementary education, how to catch a girl.

They followed a route similar to the one they had taken before, but this time from Pieracki Street they turned in Polna Street, then another turn and Stach stopped and said: "This is the factory of my mother."

"If this would be family pride, it does not sound too convincing," thought Angus. Besides, the object was not impressive at all. A paved yard surrounded by low buildings and in the back still one more yard with a couple of sheds. The whole encircled a wall with one gate topped by a board with the inscription:

- "The factory of sweets and candy AMOR" -

Stach had told him earlier that before war the factory was profitable, but not now, taken under German management. Formally his mother remained still the owner, yet in fact she had nothing to say, she had not the right to take a cent, nor the smallest bonbon. She had no voice about buys, sales, yield, employment, neither business nor any matter. The only right which his mother had in theory, was to demand information about her estate and to present her suggestions. At the beginning, Stach’s mother went to the factory, and the German "Treuhaender" found time to talk, but at last both became bored. Her opinions were for nothing, the owner had no influence, and the "Treuhaender" became more and more insolent. Anyway, the enterprise worked overtime and more, on two shifts and often three (day and night), instead of one as before the war. The production rose many times and must be bringing a proper income. But there were no investments, the smallest press, rolling-mills; no machine ever got a proper maintenance not to say exchange of parts, nothing. The buildings went slowly to ruin. The machinery might still work only because of increased addition of water to sugar, the wear and tear was so much that a proper product was impossible to make.

All that Stach had to say was in general known, Angus had heard similar happenings from Greatpoland, where all, even the smallest factories and producing works were already in German hands. Everywhere the same, maximum production, no investments or supply of new parts, predatory economy was a common view.

"The only good point, there are a fair bunch of girls working there, some lovely ones on every shift, by bright day and in the dark too. One can find with ease some extra," jested Stach. "Look, this very-one is my present sympathy."

Stach sat by a girl, neither especially pretty nor ugly, in the little side room by a chamber where the employees packed sweets and began making fun, wisecracks and distracting her from work. Gradually he sat down still nearer, all the way onto the same chair and pinched her with such expertise and experience that she could not remain calm despite her effort. She became obvious aroused. Angus was embarrassed with this display. He felt bad, ugly, an unwanted witness, superfluous. Several times he wanted to leave. Not because he had idealistic views on women, but rather always he considered such affairs as strictly private. But every time Stach held him back almost by force, winked, gave signs to remain. He hated the arrangement, himself, almost it made him sick.

Angus did not understand this at all. Well, in the past he had questioned older and surely more experienced colleagues about sex and women, tried to inquire about details, but without success. Just starting an acquaintance was difficult, and then he had not a blue notion how to behave, to talk and eventually find a subject interesting to both sides, more so, find out if any common interest existed. It seemed impossible never to commit an error, even hundreds. Two years back, when they learned in illegal classes, he often asked Stach for specific pointers and the older boy either changed the subject, or invented such nonsense, the greenhorn only after a time could catch the joke. Was it now that he decided to coach him?

Meantime Angus had himself gained the information, first practical then also theoretical. There were no taboos in the coeducational class, and the language between boys was artistic, but often shocking. Anyway, he had lost curiosity for general knowledge, caring now only for one special case.

No doubt, a little more experience would be good, he still was clumsy. But not now, not this way, first, he had now a more important task and would not engage in some fool play, second, he had found his great love, and third, this case looked repulsive. He felt guilty, because it still did excite him. If he looked in secret, it might be fine. But Stach used this girl instrumentally, it was a damn sexist act, a blasphemy, not any better than racism. And there seemed no way to stop it.

This was a total misunderstanding. Angus was a rotten psychologist, appraised people after his fantasy, mainly after the types he read of in books. In fact, he know nothing about real people, and what he did not understand, he filled up with his imagination. This time, the picture of his former best friend changed to a male brute of the dominant type. Well, to tell the truth, Angus was himself sure of male superiority. However, he believed in the knight-errants and here was a damsel in distress, yet he could not react as he should.

The folly arose because Stach held him in dark, never explaining the false appearances and the final purpose. Stach too had arrived at the point of no return, the dream of his life. After with an all-out effort he had finished the Gimnazjum, full four classes, he became accepted into the secret Home Army School for petty officers and had just finished the first course (called Agatha). This was not an easy way, Angus helped him a little in math and science, but Latin was a hellish mess if one met a demanding teacher and he had. Now he was already a genuine soldier in the Diversion Squad, before only a helper-volunteer.

Simultaneously, he was taking on his first task, a practical exercise or exam. So now, he had to pass the test. He came to the factory neither for funny business, nor to teach Angus how to catch girls, but on reconnaissance, to plan a possible military action. As matter of fact, he knew Angus’ dreams and wanted to help him to get into the resistance. But first, thrilled and in a devil's stress, he tried to carry out orders as well as he could. In fact, he tried too hard, like most beginners.

That he came here in company and with show visited a girl, was just a camouflage, Stach has yet no experience, it was his first reconnaissance and he cared that all should look natural. In fact, the performance was excellent, he sure misled Angus, suggesting all the primitive, sometimes repulsive correlations. He chose a day when the "Treuhaender" was absent, yet surely he must have had one or several informers, nobody should catch suspicion.

Now the time has come to explain a few of the secret organization’s secrets, less known to most people.

 Capsule: Material base of conspiracies.

Each underground organization, besides the first and main item, dedicated people, their engagement and goodwill, and often ability to sacrifice, needs some material means. For example, when the resistance published Polish secret newspapers and other publications, besides folks doing the work, necessary were paper, paint, so-called wax stencils and technical arrangements. All the raw material necessary to deliver must be first bought. For fighting squads and greater armed troops, necessary are weapons and ammunition, some special equipment as well as many other. A lion’s part of this equipment sold the demoralized German soldiers, the more necessary to pay it well. After all, if a soldier decides to sell to the foe ammunition and weapons, he does so exclusively for heavy money. He will not be content with a small pay, knowing that if the affair comes out to the light, he must lose his own head, because such an act qualifies at least as "Landesverrat" – a major treason.

A matter which usually remains treated shyly, quasi-timidly, concerns personal costs. People engaged full-time in underground activity, such as the so-called technicians, like printers, gunsmiths, a skilled document forger are particular valuable. Still, they had to eat, dress and live somewhere. Sometimes assure the minimum of existence to their families. In short, some members of the conspiracy had to receive a pay, if commonly the lowest possible, so much as necessary to survive, they performed their labor for the sake of their ideals.

In an emergency often people traveled with messages at their own cost. The regular messengers had to be paid, even with goodwill volunteers a standard procedure remained, if possible, to return the outlaid expense.

The guerrilla soldiers must be fed, if only because a hungry man may commit a robbery. Each of the AK troops had a cash box and always paid for the received food, even if the peasantry delivered it on their own initiative. But there existed some alien or demoralized squads, stealing food, sometimes everything they could. Such a reputation had the few existing communist squads; also about the NSZ (National Armed Forces) people told a different tale, sometimes even the officers forgot about discipline. However, with regular AK troops, any instance of robbery would be punished. Which meant the troops needed money, a fact now mentioned rarely and with some anxiety.

Also, each organization had to offer support to the families of the deceased, first families who lost their only breadwinner in-service of the good cause. Also, to the families of prisoners, especially if the sole provider. This is self-evident, no more words needed. Alas, often the relief was lacking. This all depended on what means were disposable, usually it was only possible to cover a small part of the needs. Most families suffered not only because of loss of relatives, but also by following extreme poverty, a damn painful shame for the former friends.

In fact, this it should be clear to each logically thinking person, however, usual this simple truth omitted, remains in silence.

Next question: where could the organizations get the necessary money, for the mentioned and other aims? A good share came from the voluntary gifts of members and sympathizers. The people, firmly engaged emotionally, on top of their personal productivity, supported the secret organization with money. Others gave only some coins. For example, the underground publishing, the secret press was given away free. But each newspaper ended with an account of the voluntary gifts and givers, named by aliases.

There also happened armed actions, formerly called expropriations, with the aim of taking big money. Angus and many disoriented people imagined this was merely an armed attack, a power jump on a cash source, like bank robbery. Much later, in the years 1946 and 47 (already after the war, well, not exactly, because in Poland the war took longer, for Angus to the end of 1947, for many still more) did he take part in such acts. Rather small ones, but then he had the opportunity to get familiar with the wheels within wheels. The point is, reality has not much in common with imagination. The predatory attack was only an appearance, in fact it was like a church collection plate and the commuting collectors came for the prearranged tax. Only if the action met with some bad surprise, the arrested donor could explain to the authorities, he acted in constraint and had to obey because of drawn weapons.

Angus several times collected money offered for the freedom fight, by owners of little shops and enterprises (which in the first postwar years still existed). This happened in such a manner, that at appointed hour came to the appointed place some people, minimum two, eventually waited a moment, then took out the pistol, or only showed it in the pocket as if this was ID. The owned suggested the cash box, containing the agreed money. The collector took this and wrote a receipt stamped with a seal (maybe not always, but this what Angus did) and went out. After a time, the owner reported the robbery to the police. Such was the typical scenario in case of the most frequent actions. An easy task, but one must stay prudent and careful, because once with weapons in hand, always the unexpected may happen. One of the commuters looked over the place and its surroundings, another one watched the action from a distance and if he noticed something unusual, gave the prearranged warning signal. Sometimes, the donors kept watch. Anyway, the collector should always get familiar with the place and surroundings before the action.

Of course, in case of bigger actions with a greater number of participants this was not a short walk of pleasure, and the risk much greater. Also, this demanded a careful preparation and collecting info. But something was always the same. Always there must be collaboration and information from within. If in the owner did not actively join in the action, then at least the manager, director, someone from staff. In case of greater institutions, often a few employees.

A little more about this concrete case: after Stach Konar finished the Gimnazium and next the first course of Cadet Training Center, he proposed for the practical exam as target, the factory of his mother. The family had a tradition of freedom fighting, now the mother also financially supported the Home Army as best she could. She accepted willingly the eventual attack on her, only nominal now, factory. Anyway, it amounted only to giving her blessings; she had none authority there.

Her son elaborated the plan and got not only an excellent note, the proposal met with acknowledgment so good that it was accepted for enforcement. All told for an easy success, the locality was on the town outskirts, in the vicinity stationed no German troops. There were no armed guards in the factory, not even police supervision, the production was not "kriegswichtig" (important for the war). On the other hand, there were valuable goods, for candies the guerrillas could buy in the villages food as good or better, as for ready money.

They decided to take two trucks of sweets, if they were less than full, the rest of the space could be filled up with sugar bags. On the night shift worked about thirty female, and some male workers, no chance to tell them earlier about the action, anyway not all well-known, a high likelihood some of them might tell the German boss. So they detached for the task some armed soldiers of the Diversion Squad, several of them should watch the workers, the rest quickly pack and load the candies from the storerooms.

At the moment, Stach was for the last time before the planned action checking if all was right and settled, no changes needed, also, if the storerooms were filled and there were no standstills in production. He had no previous experience in actions, therefore he tried to keep to the rules. No superfluous word, no useless information, each must know only the indispensable. The principles he knew well by heart, but the practice does not always tally. For a well cooperating group more important is mutual trust, people relying on each other win better results. For example Angus in result of Stach’s procedure, began to reel off groundless presumptions, but the set-up seemed to justify such suspicions. Disgusted by what he saw, several times he wanted to go away and in fact acted silly, useless, disturbed the scenario. Perhaps if, even without adding many details, Stach had assured collaborating colleague, instead of treating him only as an honest but silly John, they could both have acted and concentrated better. Many times he convinced later in life, collaborate competent people not only gives better results but also it causes less risk than keeping up the paper rules. Of course, nobody tells about useless chatter and disclosing of details, only the necessary, enough that everybody can have consciousness of a common aim and strong motive.

Anyway, the atmosphere got still worse and worse. Stach, never letting him even stand up, several times stood up and went out leaving them alone. The girl blushed strongly. Angus did not see any other explanation than that his colleague had brought him here for practical instruction in the ancient questions about female-masculine affairs. If so, his manner of the treating the girl was disgusting, Angus did not want to take part in any of this. The most strange, also the girl did not make the impression of being ready for more, on the contrary, seemed under duress and much irritated. Almost as if she wanted to explode and with trouble was holding herself back and he was not welcome at all. He argued with himself that he was too touchy and imagining something. However, later vital experiences served to corroborate that such impressions, though one may doubt them as unreasonable, commonly are genuine. So he sat in place and tried polite conversation on neutral subjects.

However, when Stach returned and began pinching her, at first she accepted this willy-nilly, but after a time of this and other easy caresses, it began to make an impression on her. Later, all the events became clear, but Angus never knew if she did it for Stach’s sake, or for the country.

When at last in late evening they went out in the yard, Angus felt relief, inhaling the fresh air. He had become tired, he felt as if he was emerging from any irksome place or a bad dream. What's the matter, he thought, I lost only unnecessarily a little time. Well, I wasted it on nothing; so what? Neither the first nor the last time, this is not a calamity. Only he did not understand his friend. Until now they had understood each other well and tolerated even their blemishes and flaws. For example, Stach often swelled with a patronizing tone underlining his age and how he was lowering himself to conversation with a stripling. Then, Angus looked down from his altitude overhead of Stach, as if he felt seasick. Then beyond chastisement, he let his inferior become aware of his over poise in the general score of information. If need be, he deviated on the subject of science, where Stach had bad chance. But this was a joke, and beneath it all they understood each other perfect. For the first time Angus had had enough of Stach, anyway for today.

Stach also kept mum, deep in his own thoughts. Despite what he had said earlier he explained nothing, did not ask Angus about his impressions or comments, but bade good-bye halfway home and only then said something like:

"Listen, you formidable bull ("byku krasy" it was typical slang of legionnaires, like was what he said next – a cat shitting in the wilderness; a paraphrase of the parochial sermons). I saw how you goggled like a cat shitting in a wild forest. Wait still a little, we will talk in a few days, and soon you shall understand all. It is already late, and I have still to drop in somewhere along the way, not to mention that I promised Mother to be back before curfew."

On the rest of the way home, Angus decided, there is no reason to wait any longer, losing a little time was one, but wasting his life another.

Whatever Stach had in mind, let him do it alone. His classmate had changed for the worse indeed. The time had come to realize the well-thought-out plan, beginning tomorrow. He was not so sure he had calculated all well enough, but this could clear only by trying.

He returned home late, but parents were waiting for him with a good supper. They make no fuss, this day he ended school and they thought, he went to bid good-bye to colleagues. At the table Mother reeled off her plan for how, using the way already known, she could again in the future assure her son against Arbeitsamt and possible slave work in Germany. Angus did not mutter any word on this subject, he already did not care.

Next morning he went out, rather sneaked from the house with first light, even Father, who usually got up first, was not yet awake. Angus was sure that Father would understand his decision, even if he might not agree, he left a letter only to his mother. He wrote short, that each must do his duty, he could not live another way. He promised to return like a bad coin, he would never perish. Remembering all that Mother had told him, he would pay extreme care, never present himself unnecessarily to danger, not ever catch cold; the word of honor.

Angus did not succeed in meeting Adam Szumilas, the one from Bodzentyn, never had occasion to talk with him again. Anyway, maybe this was as well, because he feared he could meet with a negative opinion. It may be better to try the tactic of "fait accompli".

In his memory engraved one word, Michniów. He did not know exactly where this was, only the general direction. He had choice of two ways: one was the road to Starachowice; there he could ask how to continue. Or go by a circular route, less populated. Once already he had tried the first, went to Kunów and tried to ask discreetly about directions from there, but fruitlessly. At the time people were unwilling to talk with strangers, reluctantly gave information. He had not the gift to start easy conversations. Probably in Starachowice the same ould happen, he would stick out like a sore finger in a bandage and all would go around him at a distance.

He chose the second possibility, and decided to go first to Chmielów, a village about six kilometers from Ostrowiec, advancing in the right direction. There lived one of his classmates, Mandalski. Admittedly they were not close friends, hardly once had talked a little longer from heart, because this colleague stuttered and therefore did not belong to the talkative sort. But they knew each other well enough that he could count on receiving some pointers.

So be it Chmielów, only if this plan failed, he would try Starachowice, but only to pass through the town and ask beyond the opposite end. If still no luck or the information about Michniów turned out to be already out-of-date, he would next walk to Bodzentyn, seek the house of Szumilas and say, he lives in the Szumilas house in Ostrowiec. He came with a private message from the one to the other Adam, but shall tell it only to him. Considering everything, his chances, to ask for recommendation to the guerrillas after burning his ship would be probably better than if he so at home. Anyway there would be no return, but it was preferable not to even consider that they might not be willing to accept him.

Angus arrived at Chmielów about six o'clock and had to wait a little near the Mandalski home, all the family still slept. But he was still cooling his heels when he surprised his friend with his appearance and plea. All went well and the schoolmate explained to him and drew on the sand the way to get to Michniów. Angus chose the longer route, going in an ample arc away from the main road.

The doors of the village shop twanged, the bell hanging over them jangled. It was a big room, equal to the local in Piaski Street, but there it was a stony den, here all of wood, both the floor and walls darkened. The shop, swept and tidy, but not washed, that would be exaggeration.

Inside stepped a tall and big young man, well, boy with a disheveled crop of hair, tired and all in a sweat. To tell it straight, Angus looked like a bad tramp. Dressed in the indestructible ankle-high boots, brief socks and knickerbockers buttoned at the knees, they hung over his calves about halfway down, leaving them bare, as natural, efficient ventilation in the heat. In a cold time, he could lowered the knickerbockers and button them at the ankles. Over his shoulders he had thrown a light wind-jacket, taken from a small bag, where remained only a pair or two of socks and a few handkerchiefs. Before, he had walked with rolled up sleeves and open front, his mother usually exclaimed on such a sight:

"Mercy of God, how do you look! Undone all the way to the navel!"

It was already late midday, the torrid heat still horrible. Angus had already stopped perspiring, dehydrated, though on the way he drank from all the wells he came across. He tried also to rinse off the dust and sweat, but of course these soon settled anew.

Behind the counter stood a man well past forty, a great chap. On the other side two or three more people, buying nothing, only talking. At Angus' entrance they broke off and turned to look at him. Feeling as if he were on the set of a cowboy movie, he approached the counter. But instead of throwing a silver dollar, he reached in his pocket for paper money and showing it on wooden table said, "Two orangeades, please." Dying of thirst, he did not wait for a glass, but opened the so-called patent-lid bottle. These contraptions are not used anymore; they consisted of a half-spring of thick wire, porcelain cap and a rubber gasket. The generously gassed, too warm fluid frothed impetuously like a small fountain, pouring on Angus’ face and arms. Nevertheless he drank greedily what remained. The second bottle he opened carefully, but unnecessarily, the gasket did not hold well and all the gas had left, the orangeade remained flat. Anyway, a gorgeous taste, never any better, so he asked for two bottles more. He dried them equally quickly and asked for the next pair, which earned a small smile on the merchant’s face. Angus hoped, this may be a good beginning. He took his bottles, a glass and sat down by a small table. This surely was never a pub, but by the wall opposite to the counter stood two small tables and a few chairs.

He took his orangeade already more easily, the people in the shop stopped looking with interest and after some time they went out. When they were alone, Angus approached the shopkeeper and what? He opened his mouth and he closed it again. Beginning was hard, he never prepared the smalltalk. Only now he could appraise the tense situation and nothing reasonable came to his head. He could not merely ask, if in the vicinity a partisan squad quartered. He decided to ask about a person and after an unnecessary long lead-in, with intermittent grunts and pauses of baffled silence, at last he explained that he wanted to find one Adam Szumilas. He had never a blue notion which alias Adam carried and did not in fact know, that in the guerrilla one employs only aliases. Names are unknown and the use restricted, at least in theory. In reality, when dozens of boys come from one locality, Bodzentyn, they have to know one another and who is who.

Anyway this was a bad error. The shopkeeper raised his brows and asked, "And who may this be?"

Guessing he had made a fatal impression, Angus decided to lay his cards on the table. Told clearly who he was, where he was coming from, all about himself in abbreviated form. Next pulled from his wallet all the documents which he took away with him just in case, if he was held somewhere by the Germans. Besides Kennkarte and school ID, he had still the school certificate – not the final, because this he left at home – but from the half-year. Had also in his pockets a few photos, of him with a friendly dog, the house he lived in and the neighboring forest, not any people. These photos he did not take on purpose, they happened to be in his pockets. From the time Mother bought a camera in reward for his first math successes he had taken casual snapshots.

At last from the chaotic explanations somehow composed the whole matter: a boy, living in Ostrowiec in the house of close family, seeks a man to deliver some important, personal news.

The shopkeeper said that he knew nobody of such a name and had no idea who may it be. All he could do, is to ask and try, but not at once. May Angus could drop in again, in a day or two?

Angus said that he had not known how long the road was. Very-much tired (this was obvious, more so he mistook the road and then, not considering the torrid heat, tried to make up the lost time). So could he put him up somewhere? Not much demands, it could be straw or hay in any barn.

These words, that he wanted to stay and to wait here, a little calmed down the interlocutor. Anyway he answered that perhaps someone would agree to put up Angus for a night, of course forgetting any luxuries. However, was necessary to wait a little, before he knew where he could direct Angus.

After having told all that was to tell, Angus decided to wait in the shade outside. In the shop the air was heavy, it was necessary to shut the door to keep away the flies. Not too many of them, with the sticky fly-traps hanging from the ceiling. Outdoors was even hotter, but he found a convenient place under a tree and stretched on the grass, dead tired. As the crow flies, he was perhaps thirty kilometers from home, but with the long round way, not mentioning he sought out the paths and several times made mistakes and had to withdraw and return, it would be about double. Well, let's say fifty, but the worst was the heat, the damned, torrid heat, it really could kill. Not mentioning, he hurried the whole time with all his strength, repeating to himself: "Press on, press on! Regardless!" He surely proved fit enough physically (if not mentally).

With the decreasing distance the nervous excitement grew, the next period would decide the whole future. If his presumptions were correct, he might at last meet a guerrilla squad, fulfilling the task of his life. However what if his dreams were only inventions of a twisted imagination, founded on a few overheard, obscure and indistinct words? Maybe, it concerned only a freshly read novel? Not much chance. But even so, if he met a genuine partisan unit, would they accept him? Would he ever achieve anything of his dreams? Already several times he had been close, but all ended in disappointment, never a success. When he thought about this, he felt a fever and speeded up his steps, never mind the torrid heat, fatigue and weakness of his own organism.

Now this nervous excitement stopped, but he felt obtuse, sluggish, and heavy, the world turned round him in the head. However, he had an irresistible impression he had hit the nail on the head, found what he searched for, this was sure this place. In some moment it would be clear, if the way was reasonable. About the future, he stood now before the main exam, he hoped to pass this, he must pass, but on the other hand he was terrified to the marrow of his bones. He would not even think, what would happen if he were not to pass it. Too bad to be true, all his hopes and life plans for nothing, better not to imagine such a calamity. He did never notice, when he fell asleep.

He woke up, shaken by a shoulder. Still the air was hot, but the sun distinctly lower. By him stood the shopkeeper with a little, barefooted boy – who had to conduct him to farm, where he would he find shelter in a barn. The man advised him, temporarily not to go out the yard and not walk in the neighborhood. As he wanted he had a barn to sleep, find a rest and then supposedly quietly wait there. But being so tired, he needed ease. An excess activity, further tormenting himself would be unhealthy. It was a transparent excuse, in fact a clear warning.

Angus followed the boy to the farm, far off, by the border of the village. In a cottage rundown and friendless, there lived in seclusion two elderly people, they already could not manage the farm. The host, still not too old, but small and dusty, showed Angus a place in the barn, where, though after the harvest, there was little grain. Instead the space was partly filled with of long-standing straw, and in the middle stood a chaff-cutter. He did not invite Angus to the house, remained taciturn; he did not want to accept pay, though at last Angus pressed on him a banknote. The woman, also elderly, never did appear, beyond the farmer ran all the time, a white shaggy dog, not threatening, timid, interested and friendly, but with all this vigilant and exceptional noisy.

This was not luxurious quarters, but Angus expected nothing better, from the moment of leaving home he had to adapt, forget any comforts. The well was of the greatest importance, he could take water to his heart’s content and wash, in a wooden trough. Water he drew in a bucket on a chain, with a crank. Like everywhere around there, ruined and falling apart, the water not exactly the best, the whole construction should have been redone. Anyway, the possibility of a thorough rinsing and washing dust and sweat was wonderful, and drinking he decided to restrict to a few gulps at a time, not to dilute the stomach’s juices. In this way, and taking never water when eating or fresh after, he had read the organism may cope with bacteria in a natural way. Anyway, on the way he already had drunk water from many different wells, and if the other people somehow survived there, he hoped to as well.

With early evening he chose a place on the old straw, in this half of the barn lay also a little hay, but it smelled too strong, and with the temperature still high, no need to cover up. He fell asleep at once and all-night slept like a log, however when waking up, still not conscious, sat up and at once dropped back on the straw. Something went badly with him, indeed. After a moment he felt a violent contraction of the abdomen, he had to rise quick and to speed behind the barn, hardly in time to go a few dozen steps to a neighboring clump of bushes. To everyone may happen the indispositions of stomach, but this was an exceptional strong diarrhea and intense. When he stood up, the world turned around his head, sweat dropped from his forehead, he was weak like a cat, well, a small kitten could best him. He must hold to a little tree, lucky that he keep on his feet, because after couple minutes he felt a new contraction of the abdomen, much worse.

He came back to the barn and lay down. The worst passed and he assumed maybe the sickness was not so bad, upset stomach happens and passes. Bad luck, that it happened exactly now, but it could be worse. This day and probably the next he would only wait, passively, enough time to become fit again. If he had already been accepted as soldier, if would be sure a calamity with shame added. He decided to eat nothing the whole day, the best way to cope with one's belly, by tomorrow it should be all right, having still one day or a few in reserve. If only Mother could boil him oats, he would get better right now. But he expected he would also take a rest, maybe yesterday’s feat had been too much. What a shame, he had brought not one book.

However though not so violent, the diarrhea stayed all-day long. Astonishing, after hours he should already be empty. Besides, the secretion became still brighter, at last almost white, while the urine became darker. But the worst was not diarrhea, but wrenching his gut. Each time he felt worse, but without susceptibility to vomiting. Not only feeling nausea, but simultaneously of emptiness, huge loneliness. Sure not a homesickness or yearning after his family, if he was in a crowd of friends or with his parents, this would change nothing. This was an impression of a strange world, well, a cosmic emptiness. He was out of the universe, away in strange, alien space, and penetrated by fear, he feared so much, there was no way to tell. Futility, vacuum, awe and intense nausea grew together and culminated in a hiccup with some gas, escaping from the throat. Angus in a lesson on aerial defense, right before the war had learned to recognize the poisonous gases, remembered the phosgene, smelling like rotten leaves, or rather a stale cabbage. Strange, there could not be phosgene here, there was also no stale cabbage or leaves, but the smell was similar, if not exactly strong not foul, for him repulsive. After every such burping, he dropped and a few minutes rested with a cold sweat on his face. Gradually, both diarrhea and the horrible hiccupping became more and more sparse, but Angus got weaker and weaker. This day he never ate anything and never wanted to, but occasionally swallowed some water, believing dehydration might finish him off.

All the time unable to sleep, although only half conscious, he occasionally became torpid.

He tried to occupy his mind with something, to repulse this horrible feeling, isolation, remaining somewhere on the edge of an abyss or hell and irresistible fear mixed with loathing and repulsion. With some luck, Angus was unable later to remember this space exactly. This was never fear for his life. On the contrary, in moments of such torment, Angus persecuted the thought, how good it would be to die, to end this at last. With all his might he impressed on himself that he must never think so. No right to death, first he had promised his mother this, second, it would be too stupid to die without any success, seeing no battle. If he were to perish fighting the Germans, defending his people, this might be proper, but to die of his own hand, never. Yet one of the ugly probabilities was, he becomes a mental case, already losing all grip on himself. The more he hated this, the stronger became the irrational urge, the more terrified, the more something pushed him. How lucky he had forgotten to take a knife from home, there was not a chance to cut the bread but also not a chance to cut his body. He began to recite poetry. When he had enough of verses, by the evening he tried for a change to imagine sex, the most appetizing girls from classes and find escape in masturbation.

Here a brief explanation: over the past year, Angus could not stop the habit; only limit it to some degree. From the moment his sex organs started mature functioning, the produced sperm had to find a vent and it was a physiological need. Later boys of his class reported, almost all had the same problem, except a few hinted they did not need this because they had wet dreams. Anyway condemning the natural functioning and frightening the culprit with damnation and hellfire has about as much sense as prohibition of urinating and calling it a mortal sin. The living organism works independently and autonomously, not a chance to respect such orders, the only result may be a bad misfortune of children who are oversensitive and susceptible to stress. To be clear, children, because there are individual differences, when and how strong the physiology develops, the symptoms may be feeble, sometimes not occur at all.

At the time Angus already knew the difference between the usual physiological need and full engagement of all psychic and physical forces. In result, he tried to act reasonably, keep some proportion, without excess, but never a full temperance. He already recognized that an intensive training and fatigue becomes a natural substitute for sex. Sure, this knowledge was not at a scientific level, he never heard about protohormones, which are available only in a limited amount, the body uses them either on producing anabolic, or sex hormones. That was why during the intensive swimming training he could keep almost full temperance. Later, he tried if he could, but if the inner tension got too high, he allowed for a little relief. This was rational, limited the energy waste, also an unexpected premium proved that if he hold back as long as possible, the moment of weakness was more satisfactory. It did sometimes happen that he masturbated on the way to school by putting his hand in his pocket, or it might be enough only to adapt the resonance of his steps.

At the moment he felt no sexual excitement, he sought a distraction, to soothe the nervous stress, tear his thoughts away on another track, calm down and perhaps fall asleep. Incapable of any physical exercise, he hoped to find a substitute, maybe tire himself a bit. Knowing the reactions of his body, he applied the usual rules and motions, all the following stages of the normal pattern experienced many times. But this time, instead of delight, the great or only minimal pleasure, came a feeling of repugnance, loathing, torment, not much pain, but the worst nausea of the day, which had been bad enough before. In lieu of orgasm a torture unfolded such as he had never experienced in his life. If in hell the primitive fires changed to such suffering, whatever bad did the culprits had done in their lifetime, they would deserve a pity.

Hard to believe, all the physiological reflexes were normal, the mechanism acted as before and suddenly such a piercing, foul, vile frenzy. When he recovered with time, he decided he was better-off to stay with the verses. Even those repeated many times, anyway he had a good selection.

In some moment, came at last the much-wanted sleep.

Next day, Angus was admittedly weak, but most of the disease symptoms had elapsed. Only one restrained shit, without nausea and sensations. He felt no fever, maybe because of not having a thermometer. Only the secretion was as before fluent and fair, more so, almost white now and the urine dark. However, he had never experienced or heard about such cases and ignored the symptoms.

Obviously suspending eating gave good results. He began already to be hungry, but he decided to protract the cure. The most difficult was to manage the time, anticipating what might happen. Without concrete tasks it was a hard affair. After he repeated all the verses, remained calculating multiplication tables, first by three digits, and then by four. He also went out from the barn for fresh air, but he preferred not to go far, expecting the news on which depended his fate. Besides there was an understanding, he was not to trail around the neighborhood.

After midday, he felt already well and he began to put in detail, what and how to tell first to Adam Szumilas, and then to the commandant of squad, if Adam agreed to recommend him. There was no change in his status, nothing certain, but now he almost convinced that he might have a chance. After all, he would never have been allowed to remain here without a reason. But in the decisive moment he must not speak chaotically and turn over the fragments, chase his thoughts, lash out and repeat, as he had done the day before yesterday in the shop. He must prepare a good text and be able to deliver it, to make a good impression.

From the moment when he had before him a definite purpose, time stopped passing slowly, on the contrary, ran very quickly. Before evening came for him the same boy who had brought him here. In the shop, the shopkeeper granted friendly signals on seeing him, and then behaved without his earlier reserve. He said there was solid news for Angus, a good deal of it.

But it was not what Angus expected. Obviously thrilled, his interlocutor told him that he had became an object of Home Army intelligence, after a check had received good, even perfect opinions, unblemished. He was exactly the person he had presented himself to be and deserved full trust.

Angus surprised, but appeared a little disappointed. After all, he knew all this, had already said who he was and he was sure that any check would corroborate his words. He had spoken the truth like at church confession, although in manner little understandable, repeating his sentences, strongly excited. Also he hoped and assumed he could be trusted. It is pleasant to have a faultless reputation, but he had not come all the way here to hear this. However his interlocutor, seemingly moved with the news, many times repeated that Angus must be pleased and that from now on all would go well.

"Well, yes, I am pleased. But what of Adam Szumilas and when may I see him," he asked. "Did he receive the news too?"

"Yes, there is such a person, but he calls himself differently," answered the man, however didn't say what name he was now using. "Alas, he is not present, but returns in a few days. But this is already not my affair. Tomorrow shall come his colleagues and they will tell you, all the what and how. I do not know any more."

Walking out, Angus noticed oat flakes and bought a bag or two. Admittedly they had been on the shelf a while, but this product is stable and almost does not alter with age, especially the best sort, the mountain oats.

On return Angus got an invitation to the peasant house, a sign that his status was improving. He greeted the hostess, who maybe remained a little suspicious of him. But he thanked away the proposal of sleeping in the house, saying he was fully comfortable in the barn. In fact the cabin did not look at all pleasant, but of course he did not say so. All he needed was, if he could get some boiled water, with this he would be fully happy. He left the old bread for the cow, seemingly there was one, but she had had a calf and for some days now the milk was still no-good. No problem, though, he could buy milk in the village – which meant he had now a permit to walk around.

With boiled water and oat flakes Angus prepared oatmeal, surely now he would get better quick. But mostly there was the good news, which raised his spirits. This evening he drank to his heart’s content and ate still sparingly, next morning more and it was all in order.

When he, full of fresh hopes, washed thoroughly in the yard, came two young men, aged about twenty, or a couple of years more. They spoke openly, and Angus gave the speech that yesterday he had prepared, sure they were acting for the commandant of the squad. Yes, the squad was in the vicinity, but at the moment there was no sense for Angus to go there. The commandant, alias Gloomy, already had the information; he decided that Angus was to wait to the return of Forester (the alias of Adam Szumilas) and then he would talk with both of them. Forester was expected in three days, but of course this was a guess, rather later than earlier. Angus could move freely in the village and around, but not too far, if he wanted to met the person, better remain nearby.

Guessing the lonely wait might be trying, they promised to come again and talk, if they had free time. No, they never carried weapons just for pleasure and could not show them to Angus, but maybe he would have only too much opportunity. They got more talkative when the conversation concentrated on the commander, alias Gloomy. Without giving many details, they said he was an outstanding and unusual man. Only few months before, he had come in as a famous officer, named in the Info Bulletin, communiqué of Home Army Headquarter and honored by the Virtuti Militari Cross. On introduction, he proposed they should vote, if the squad agreed with him taking the command. These were not only words, he left them two days to discuss this among themselves and take the vote alone, only later telling the result. They could listen to what the people thought about him, all held him in respect. However, all the comments contained not half of the truth, what an extraordinarily splendid commander he proved.

Gloomy never demanded and used any privileges, he slept among them and ate the same, he carried his baggage himself when they traveled. Besides, they had to confirm that he surpassed every one of them in every regard, including physically. He could shoot better, run faster, hold under fatigue, carry a greater burden and march further, no argument, but if anyone took the challenge, he could beat two of more of the strongest. He spoke using the word colleague and ordered them to talk to him so. Never used foul language, common in the army, not to mention tongue-lashing, and even did not swear or curse. He was always calm, but reacted quickly and upheld extraordinary discipline. Anyway everyone would jump in fire on his first order. If Angus were to have the luck to join the squad (and this was the first time he was told this distinctly) he would serve with such a commander as not only Poland but the whole world had never seen.

These words exactly, spoken with full conviction, Angus was to hear again and again. All Gloomy’s soldiers worshipped him. One detail left unmentioned, by his side especially men fell and died. He was an unusual man and born commander, had an extraordinary talent or God’s gift, but also, or precisely therefore, he was constantly in the presence of or near the cyclone’s eye.

Splendid news, if only Angus could have the confidence to pass the test, to qualify for the service, the main problem now. He felt still better, his spirit raised. However, besides spirit it was necessary to recovery also body forces, nobody would accept a weakling.

After this talk, Angus went to the shop for some food. Sausages in such hot weather might be risky, but there was the fresh baked bacon, so Angus decided for a cure with so-called vitamin B2 – bacon with bread. The shopkeeper made a joke, maybe vitamin B3 could be still better, meaning bacon, bread and "bimber" (an illicit distilled, moonshine alcohol), but Angus always loathed alcohol. The final disgust came as he stood behind the counter and poured drinks, looking at the humans like animals in a zoo.

He added to his possessions a knife, to cut the bacon and rolls comfortably, prepare glorious sandwiches. On his return, he was hungry like the devil and the breakfast found just gorgeous. Many calories, still more kilojoules, he would be able to lift mountains. About an hour later he was ill, true a meal of a devil, the worst poison in the world.

Now indeed he panicked, although still he told himself that this was only a diarrhea which must eventually pass. Yes, but it might be a critical obstacle just at the decisive moment, now, when after the years of efforts and searching he almost touched his goal.

Maybe the symptoms were less strong than earlier, but he too, was weaker. Exhausted, he reacted feebly. His frame of mind was still worse, he threw out his knife, afraid in desperation and depression he might again came on the bad idea and half conscious, do something stupid. But if even more ill, the second time around he took it not so hard, maybe because of the first experience, maybe because he was weaker and less conscious. He merely lay, indifferent to the world, only concentrating on one, to come out alive, he wanted not to die in his own shit. However, the worst never happened and the sickness passed.

Next day he got better thanks to the hunger diet. With effort he stood up and washed as well as possible. But now already from a distance anyone could notice that something was causing him trouble. In short, he looked like death on holiday and hardly shambled. With highest effort he tried to act normal, but when came in the acquaintances from yesterday, he had to admit that today he was feeling a little badly. He tried belittling this, merely a diarrhea, clearly something he ate, this can happen and elapse.

They sympathized and remarked, his eyes had become turbid and strongly bloodshot, as if he had been on a weeklong binge in the worst company. Angus at first did not believe this, but he had a small looking glass and saw his eyes, indeed horrible, but still the cause unknown. They wished him a quick recovery and left. History repeated itself, a time of hunger, then diet of only water and oats, a handful dry, or for a change mixed with hot water, suppressed the worst symptoms. He did not take the risk of eating anything more, decided to persevere on oat flakes a longer time. Alas, the disease protracted, and in the long run he might not cope with physical efforts. He was becoming fit for nothing, certainly not for war. Although, if they left him in the back guard, to retard the enemy and enable retreat of his own squad, who knows, maybe he could manage that much. In his dreams he saw himself in an incumbent position and shooting at oncoming Germans. Yes, he could still do that, gain about half an hour, maybe a full hour and shoot a couple of enemies, before they would circumvent him, locate and rub him out.

He decided to concentrate and conquer the disease with willpower. He went out often in the fresh air, tried light physical exercise, which however heavily exhausted him. He turned for support to God, although already having stopped believing. He prayed hotly for a miracle, promising change for better and making so many vows that surely he would not be able to make good on all his promises, supposing he were to convince the good God to perform miracle. Thank God, the good God did not hear him out and take him up on the offer, because over the next fifty years, Angus would have been unable to rattle off so many prayers, not to mention other undertakings. Never could he manage this and besides live a decent life.

Anyway, some improvement came, and Angus, hoping against hope, tried to argue his belief the disease at last would pass. On a certain day, the sixth since leaving home, both acquaintances came conducting a third person. However it was not Adam Szumilas, although Angus thought so at a distance. Soon however he saw that this third looked less broad-shouldered and smaller. "The squad has no doctor, alas, if there was, we would bring him and surely he would be able to help," they said. "This colleague worked temporarily in a hospital in 39 and is good with fixing wounds. He came with us, willing to help."

The man, still not a colleague, though Angus wished it very-much, laid his hand for a moment on Angus', feeling the pulse. Not too tall, lean, he had auburn thin hair and a strong touch, Angus felt it like a metal grip, and the calm look of fixed eyes. He said, he managed not too badly with bandages, but knew less about diseases. Nevertheless, he questioned Angus, especially if he saw any traces of blood and if he had abdominal pains in front and on the backside. Next he pressed Angus’ abdomen and tapped it round the girdle. Angus felt never a pain, and besides, even if he had, he would never have said so. He tried to belittle the symptoms, made fun and mocked himself.

One was clear, it was not dysentery, what they feared most, neither appendix, nor the kidneys. Perhaps food poison, after a few days of fasting matters should improve. However, he had no advice, if only a proposal that perhaps Angus should return home for a few days and come back later. Angus protested, he already felt better, surely was recovering. He never mentioned that he noted an impression of yellow color, but a strong tan masked this.

The times of defeat, of calamity, have their ebbs and flows. It seems all is turning for the better, and then it becomes clear this was only illusion. This day was the best of the bunch, hopeful. People treated his amicably, as if already they saw in him a colleague. Plan and guesses turning out as expected, all was coming together favorably, he did feel better indeed. Although of course he kept up the appearances and he tried to mimic better health than he had. This day success was nearby, the aim of his life in reach.

This evening, the younger of the men came to the farm a second time. He asked how Angus was feeling, upon which Angus told him the diarrhea had passed and he was sure tomorrow all would be in order. Then they went out on a walk, maybe this was a check of Angus?

In fact Angus up to now had not seen much of the neighborhood, even in Michniów. From the moment of his arrival, directed to the farm, he had become familiar only with the route to the shop and back. Therefore the first walk around interested him, also the view. He tried to show great form, walking with elastic steps, steak animate, anyway it was the truth, he felt elated and pretended nothing.

At some moment Angus’ companion broke in half a sentence and said: "There is something! Look." At a distance on the main road walked four people. "There is Gloomy, you shall get to know him in the future."

Wonderful prophecy, it was angel music for Angus’ ears. Alas, it never came true, he only once saw the legendary partisan commandant. A brief glimpse from a distance, this was all.

Gloomy was not tall, of this group two people were taller, but his head was distinctly larger. From this distance Angus did not distinguish the face, noticed only the accented thick, dark line, the arc of brows, coalescent or almost so. In moment later all four figures disappeared from view.

Unbelievable, how much authority, worship and God knows what more, Gloomy had among the soldiers. In the first days, Angus considered this an exaggeration. This aroused in him resistance and at first even a little disgust, such hot feeling for the chief was like an appeasement. But he did not know the man, and later convinced that such was not the case, all was a candid and spontaneous reaction. In the next year, in Gloomy’s absence and even then, when already he fell, all soldiers remembered him in the same manner, believed in his every word like Gospel, or as Turks in Mohammed, or Jews in Moses.

A slight, but characteristic example: as mentioned, Gloomy never swore or cursed; rare, he threw in not a too strong word, like damn. However, he encouraged nobody to moderation, only once, as the rumor goes, he muttered something, it's no use speaking unnecessary words, a waste of time. Without any encouragement the custom spread in the squad, and next the soldiers spread it to others. Gloomy’s former soldiers were distinguished by this, they cursed sparingly if at all. Then many others too accepted and copied the habit, Angus as well. Merely, it got around, that Gloomy did not curse and it became a fashion, many aped this. Considering that dirty words and snappy language became popular between young men in the war (Angus and all students of the Business School talked so, the ears withered), it was surely a rarity.

And this was just one example. In a crisis, Gloomy did not have to issue an order, enough if he nodded or gave a pointer. Nobody considered the difficulty or danger, if such recommend Gloomy. He was a natural leader of people and had a natural tactical talent, special gift, never mind if from God or otherwise. In summer and autumn of 1943 the Germans tried hard to destroy this squad, and with all trumps in their hands, time after time lost each contest. It seems unlikely, but they did not manage this despite a shattering advantage of soldiers and weapons. Even having inside the squad a high placed informant, they could not succeed. (The tale of the treason of Motor follows.)

Just now Angus, like Thomas the unbelieving, treated the constant praise of Gloomy with some mistrust and this remained the main theme. On bidding him good-bye, the partisan asked if Angus drank. Angus said, never.

"Excellent, in our squad it is not allowed. Only in exceptional cases, the commander allows one glass, mainly as medicine. But your case is exceptional, maybe you need the medicine. The shopkeeper still has a pepper-flavored vodka, from prewar and he says there is nothing better in case of food poisoning. A genuine product. It burns ands scorches in the belly like hellfire, but supposedly it disinfects and kills all bacteria. I took a little bottle, a quarter, I do not induce you, but do as you like. Just in case I leave this with you, it is not much, with a mouthful you will not get drunk. Anyway you are still not a soldier and do not need permission and this is a medicine, they say effective."

He inserted the bottle in Angus’ hand, never accepting the return of coins. There remained only to thank him for the kindness and accept. Angus decided to present the bottle to the farmer.

The attitude Angus to alcohol has already been mentioned. Even one glass awoke reservations. Father always said, the first glass is revolting, but by the next one does not notice the stink and it goes in easier. But if so, this drinking of one glass is for masochists. Why begin at all, perhaps only in case of extreme exhaustion or nervous shock, when it can be temporarily stimulating. This was not for him.

However, next Angus reconsidered. What if this was a good medicine? To disinfect the alimentary canal, this may be reasonable. He had read that in the Middle Ages they employed pepper and other stinging spices not only to mask the taste of stale meat, but also to prevent sickness. After all there were no refrigerators and they did not know the method for production of conserves, in result often consumed damaged food, and for preventing disease poured in much pepper. If this pepper-flavored vodka was indeed good medicine and he passed it by, this would be pure stupidity. A quarter of alcohol and not too strong, on the bottle it was written 40%, and besides he need not drink it all. Working professionally in the pub, he had served drunkards and knew that some were able drink up to a liter and even more of much stronger spirits. Many drank half a liter and one could hardly notice the effect. Proportionally a mere eighty-five grams of ethanol in a quarter of vodka is not much. And if he noticed it was doing him wrong, he would stop, or do as did the drunkard who assured his friend: "I drank up your vodka, but I won’t keep it, I’m bringing it baaack..." He considered so and otherwise, in the end he did not decide and lay down to sleep.

However, the dream did not come and after some time he decided to try. In straight truth, though he would admit it only to him, he was not fit for any serious business, only a miracle could return his strength. So maybe just such a miracle would happen and after a short rest, he might succeed? Not much risk, nothing could get worse. He scraped off the remaining sealing-wax and with one expert motion (being a specialist), knocked out the cork from the bottle. He drew a gulp. Like the fires of hell, but precisely this convinced him. If he was suffering so much, what of the little bacteria, sure they perished in masses. Fancying this, he began gradually to consume the burning liquor, sipping occasionally on boiled water. Later, he had not a blue notion, if he had drunk a part of the bottle, or all of it.

Angus returned from nowhere, hearing a voice: "Dear, do not despair, he still may live."

This voice seemed familiar to him. In a second he opened his eyes and saw around him only whiteness, as if he lay on white clouds, white background and in front of it, his mother and his dearest love, his former teacher Mrs. Piesewicz. He thought he must be in heaven and they all had met there, next his eyelids closed and he fell again in darkness.

He next recovered consciousness two days later. This time he recognized the white ceiling and walls and open window, through which fell the air and light. It was not heaven, but the small room for VIPs in the pub, the tables and chairs gone, except one table and two chairs. In their place stood a bed with him on top, and over him hung a bottle with water, or a clear fluid, attached by a rubber tube to his arm. On one of the chairs sat some person with head leaning on arms, all supported by a table.

This was not an illusion, there sat Mrs. Piesewicz indeed, real, she had fallen asleep fatigued. No heaven at all, when he moved and now the dearest, most wonderful woman under the sun, raised her head, looked at him and asked: "Do you hear me?"

He opened his mouth, but no voice got out. She stood up from the chair, approached Angus and took his hand.

A powerful current, stream of life flowed into him, suddenly he felt so strong, that he could stand up or even walk. He opened his mouth again to say this, but again fell in the abyss. However, after a couple of hours, he woke up. He knew where he was, distinguished the place and people and even remembered the two former moments of regaining consciousness.

Mrs. Piesewicz remained by him, she sat beside him on a chair and when he opened eyes, again she took his hand. Unlikely, like magic, but certainly he felt a force coming to him, something penetrating his skin, or like an appliance plugged in. This time the voice did not disappoint him, he asked: "What happened, how did I get here?"

She answered: "Lie quiet, you are heavily ill, but shall survive."

Angus already knew that, returning from a faraway.

"I will call your mother."

Mother was nearby in the kitchen, the door opened, she entered and they began a chaotic conversation. This time Angus remained conscious longer and listened, what happened to him, so much as they told him. He was brought on a peasant cart in early dawn, deep unconscious. They took him off and carried into the house like dead, yet he still breathed. Mother despaired, she sent someone to wake up Father and they wanted immediately to bring in a doctor, but it was still too early to pull someone from the far town or the hospital. Then Mother suddenly remembered Mrs. Piesewicz, who was for the moment a teacher in the secret school, but by profession was a doctor of medicine, although in the last couple of years not practicing. She sent Father, who woke up and surely frightened all in the house of Professor Mazzurewicz, pleading help. Mrs. Piesewicz came in an alarm mode.

She recognized at first glance the jaundice, strongly neglected, exceptional heavy, although she knew nothing about the alcohol used for cure. She considered rather, it was a result of long, inadequate diet. Mother never agreed to send Angus to hospital, although properly he should be transported there, to the infectious department. Firmly convinced that would be the last she would see of him, she strongly declared that at any such try the blood would flow. She would stand with the kitchen knife in the doorway and let nobody in. Mrs. Piesewicz suddenly admitted her right, said that she was taking on herself responsibility for organizing the quarantine and treating the patient on the spot. However to put the affair clear: in such a case the expectations were not good, although surely better than in a hospital.

They closed one room, Father brought from the town chlorinated lime and potassium permanganate. The main was, everyone leaving the room had first to wash his hands in water of raspberry color caused by addition of the latter and to wipe his boots with a rag soaked in the solution of chlorinated lime. With this lime they disinfected also anything they took away from the room. The quarantine proved effective, in the vicinity never happened another case of the disease.

Mrs. Piesewicz considered it a likely hope the young organism itself would overcome the effects of poisoning, if only it had time. Treatment confined therefore, first to doing no injury, and second to supporting the body functions. She connected a drip, a solution of glucose with vitamin C and this was the only drug and food which Angus received. The only difficulty was in assuring plenty quantity of the solution, because Angus had already received it for ten days without interruption. But Mrs. Piesewicz, using her professional acquaintances, fixed the necessary volume, personally applied all drips and at this crisis, spent all her days here.

When after a week Angus still gave no signs of life, Mother began to despair and Mrs. Piesewicz was trying to calm her down, just at the moment when Angus first opened his eyes. She noticed this, but it had already been her view the longer he lived, the more chance the organism would regenerate, although not sure how much damage there had been to the liver. Anyway no fresh damages occurred and all seemed regenerate.

Mother added that never in her life had she met up to now such an outstanding doctor and owed all to Mrs. Piesewicz. If she gave the doctor all her possessions and future estate, after the war' end, this would not repay even a small part of the debt. Angus with shame remembered later that he did not know what more they spoke, because in this moment he slept again.

From this moment, his condition improved. Mrs. Piesewicz did not sit by him all the day anymore, but came and personally changed the drip. Angus felt, much more than the drip, at her every touch life, health, force and spirit flowed into him, enough to equal hundreds of transfusions. Astonishing, because there were not any sexual wishes, all these functions stopped, maybe forever. But if she took his hand, it was always a shock. As if he touched an electrical conductor, or rather, a generator, starting a flow of an unknown form of energy. He asked Mrs. Piesewicz, if besides her professional education she had ever noticed a supernatural healing ability, like the shamans, nature healers or witch doctors. Unexpectedly she said, no, the opposite, when exhausted or in a bad mood, she took his hand, even when he was unconscious, this gave her more strength and belief, that he would live.

Angus could not understand this. Admittedly he had read and heard about people have some mysterious power and ability to deliver it to other organisms, but he treated this as fairy tales, with the wink of an eye. But even so, to deliver energy and simultaneously draw it from the same person seems foolish, contradicting the laws of thermodynamics. Altogether impossible, absurd, like a spiritual perpetuum mobile. Also the presumption the energy arises on point of contact, as a stream of warmth on the border of two metals can in a part commute to electric energy, could not apply.

Years later, Angus reached the conviction there was not and could not have been any flow of energy, the impression was a delusion. The mind exerts a powerful influence on the body, this power, force, anything it was, generated in their own brains altogether independently. A touch was only an impulse, a signal which set in motion the conditional reflex. The only logical explanation, if there is possible to speak here with logic. Any other would be equivalent with resigning from intelligent thinking, reverting to magic.

Admittedly Angus behaved sometimes a little superstitiously and even tolerated laughing about this, just for a joke. Admittedly often he thought unwisely and hardly could be his procedure called logical; However in magic he surely did not believe, had not since the age of four.

At first Angus mainly slept, waking for short times. But soon this passed, he tried to read and he could think more. He announced that he was quickly returning to health; however Mrs. Piesewicz told him he had a severely damaged liver. The regeneration would last in best-case half a year and this only considering a young organism and the astounding improvement now. After couple of weeks on the drip, Angus felt hungry and for first time got a spoonful of "Polish rice," boiled peeled barley. Then it could be a few spoons, and next the doctor allowed adding a couple drops of milk poured in a little hole made with a teaspoon in the grain. Then a little more milk, but acid in a glass, after taking off the sour cream. When drips became unnecessary, also her visits came rarely.

However he precisely needed these visits much more than drips, medicines and food. At the first opportunity he started the talk, without any introduction, even thanks or expression of gratitude, considering this obvious. He simply said this disease was a blessing in disguise, worth everything, even his life. That he never lost hope, the break was not definite and they were bound to meet. And so it happened, so fate decreed.

Mrs. Piesewicz seized his hand, this time pressing it to the point of pain. "I also thought so; I also wanted to see you. And then, when you were between life-and-death. I prayed, I promised to God that if He allowed me to cure you, if you were to live, I would never see you any more."

This was final; Angus did not even try to argue. If he had made such a deal with God, he too would stay by the oath. Reasonably or not, never mind if he had lost his faith, another possibility did not exist. In exceptional circumstances, perhaps he would not put up with by a promise given to people, could lie, deceive and according to known mechanism, later make up exculpations and explanations. Probably shift the guilt to the victim deceived, thinking out any reasons they deserved this. In this case, this was impossible. No way to break ones’ word given willingly in one’s own conscience.

"So this is already the end, nothing doing anymore. How shall it go on, this further life without essence?"

"I shall come here still a few times. As long as you are my patient, I can. Then you will go to a specialist for examination, I arranged this already. Now the first is, to regenerate your liver, think only about this. The main is diet, through two months nothing but cereals, best hulled barley, add with time a little boiled potatoes, carrots and gradually increase milk, best acid. After two months, ground vegetables, a little white bread, the white from the eggs, white cheese and so on. Beware of fat and meat, only after time a little chicken meat, boiled, but at first without broth, and to cereals one can add a couple drops of oil. Fat you have still your own in reserve. I will write this all down..."

Angus neither cared nor listened; all was quite indifferent to him.

Mrs. Piesewicz said: "Listen to me, I do not know about you, but I think I feel like you, your every touch. But please remember, we exchanged organic fluids. You may not know, but I assure you that you also have and always you will have a little of me in your body and vice versa. I am a competent person to know all about this. Even after a hundred years, if you last so long, thousands of atoms which were me shall be constantly with you. It is a fact, we never fully part indeed. You do not need even my touch, necessary is only the consciousness that always I am with you, so are you with me.

Something of truth was there, however, they differed in feelings. These atoms in Angus, there were sure too few of them.

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