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Ileś Ty razy już nas nie smagał,
a my nie zmyci ze świeżych ran
Znowu wołamy: "On się przebłagał,
bo On nasz Ojciec, bo On nasz Pan
I znów powstajem w ufności szczersi
I znów z Twą wolą zgniata nas wróg ...

How many times, Thou did lash out us
But we not washed from fresh wounds,
Again we call: "He lets a propitiation -
For He, our Father, is our Lord! "
And again, we raise with more of confidence,
And again with your will crush us the enemy ...

Chapter 12. Despair, waiting in ambush, trap and belated grief.

II Division AK (Home Army) of Infantry Legions "Świętokrzyska" - a rifle taken from "Kalmucks" – the plans of insurrection changed – a gallant soldier of failure – better perish in attempt, than break down again - solo, unauthorized action – benefits from classic Latin – how to live with own conscience, knowing that instead of yourself, you brought a fatality on other people – 25 lashes accepted, never consumed.

It was still dark, a full night, but the sky slightly different. Almost it showed no change, not any color, it was a feeling, that a difference. However, the splendor of the stars decreased somehow. Also the first bird spoke, a long moment of break – and again. Rarely, occasionally there were sounds of birds. Angus knew to little to identify the voices, but they were different, so probably the voices of different birds.

These voices did not wake up, contrary, they calmed, soothed. strange, they did not interrupt the calm, but they accented, underlined this quietness, making her full, trusted and safe. This remained as a reflex conditioned impulse for the rest of his life. Only with the voices of birds in background came the genuine tranquility, full relaxation. The whole body and next mind thawed, eased, the person became a part of world as if stopping to exist. Several minutes in this condition gave more of regeneration, the hours of resting.

Perhaps, voices of birds inspired so, because they associated with sense of safety. A forest hostile, occupied by armed men, sounded different. It does not mean that all birds exactly stopped to sing, but contrast was obvious. Or maybe it was ex post make believed. However, this was right only if the unit rested, because if it moved, the vice of birds changed too, subsiding. With exception of magpies and, less distinctive crows, they became louder. Especially the scratchy squawk of magpies was a direct signal "caution, somebody comes".

The days were warm, even sweltering so, but the last of night rather chilly, certainly not to freeze, but as much, that Angus awoke and could not sleep anymore. He shivered, but there was no way to find a warmer place, so it was best to lie still, trying to preserve the rest warmth. He lay, curled into a light, cotton blanket, which main advantage was, that its weight was near zero. Under the blanket, he dressed in all the clothes he carried in a small green knapsack from thick tread. This knapsack brought his father, returning from war on spring of 1940. A simple knapsack of old type, with tapes instead of leather strips and on top a rhomb from the same tape, it was possible to fasten different things there. The blanket clinched exactly in, it was too thin and slender to roll up and place it around the knapsack. This knapsack weighted little too; it was astonishing this article making impression of trash changed so little, with years underwent no wear and tear, everything lasting as fresh. About thirty years later, it drowned in a river whirlpool. If this didn't happen perhaps the same object after maybe thousand years, could be exposed in a museum, maybe losing a little color, but unchanged.

Angus laid on his back, a little twisted to right, beneath him several pine branches, on which he imposed some thin branches and finally raked up twigs and needles. After first experience of sleeping on naked earth he, and all his mates remembered, that even if tired, dropping from fatigue, literally flowing from legs it was not advisable to drop on hard earth evenings. It was indispensable to make some underlay, otherwise the night did not give refreshment and on morning, bones and the whole body ached with every move. Sure, straw would be better and hay even more so, not mentioning the luxury of sleeping in a barn or field-stack. But this time the company went by end of the troops and there was no way to find a place under a roof, the few buildings were full of people, especially as usually the greater localities they bypassed. Anyway, the night between trees was not bad, morning chill pointed to good weather. Yesterday, and perhaps tomorrow again they may have a better luck.

So, he had under his head this almost empty knapsack and close by body the automatic rifle, the biggest treasure of his life and the most fine, wonderful weapon on the world. He touched it not only with the body, but also often with independent gestures of hand every few minutes, in dream or awake. It he didn't hit the rifle he momentary roused from sleep and could calm only after his hands found it. If the night were misty, he would wrap the weapon in a blanket, if wet, he would shield it with his body, resigning from sleep. However, the weather was good, so he wrapped only himself in the blanket, feeling at his side the hard form, as by a paper tissue.

Though not sleeping for some time, he was not full conscious. Every moment, thoughts roamed for different events and several times blended with delusion, he recognized that his associations are illogic, fantasy. He tried to stop thinking, having an unclear feeling, something bad hangs over him and before coming back to reality, it shall be better to get his strength. The best would be, not awake at all. The aching back influenced him to lay as long as possible, but finally the overfull bladder forced to stand up.

He came up, feeling, as if G. D'Arcy Cheesebright ("Stilton"), intending to break Bertram Wooster"s backbone in four or five places, by idiotic mistake did this to him, but to be sure in six or seven places. He left on the side, but the pain was so strong, that he could not stand straight and must resist on the pine when watering the environment. Then came back and almost cried aloud, laying down, at least found a painless position with a sense of relief, but at the time woke up fully.

The sky begun already graying a little, but he could quietly lie for one hour more, maybe longer. He needed it indeed. But the consciousness came back, alas, and he recognized, he came to the end of his way. In his memory appeared the read sometime polish translation, a few words of "My old Kentucky home: - A few days more and the trouble all will end… A few days more to tote the weary load, no matter, ‘twill newer be light…"

Then I shall drop on the earth. If I rest now, if I may lie quietly to the last moment, maybe I can manage to the end of this day. However, no chance, never survive the next.

He lost the exact calculation of days and was not sure, which was now, nevertheless the events had before his eyes. Only at 3-th August he got information about the Warsaw rising, it was at the house of his colleague Matthew, where he stayed for safety reason. They said nothing to parents, only looked one at the other, but the case was obvious. They had to go. But during the whole next day, Angus could not find any contact to his colleagues or friends, which he searched nervously. All meet people only warned him, not to reel needless in the city, it is dangerous, for Lords sake. Finally all the attempts remained with no effect (which he should expect from the start).

In result, they stalked before dawn from the house, taking with them a little underwear, some personal item, a little food and the strongest shoes, greased with oil. They moved to the west, along the Starachowice highway, but of course not on the asphalt, only a decent distance away cross-country, because on the highway moved cars and, troops stationed close by highway, for example antiaircraft defense. The night before a Soviet "kukuruznik" flying quietly with switched of motor, has brought down a few small bombs, some said, they were grenades, on such a group nearby, smoking around the AA gun. Result – four killed, an unknown number wounded.

Going parallel to the highway, they fast arrived to the crossing with the railroad. The walked around the small station Boksycka, some distance off going flat on ground watched how the soldiers patrol the rails and then, choosing a moment, hurled themselves over the railway line. Until now, they went on the fringe of small young forests, now on the other side they entered a big forest complex, divided by highway. Occasionally, trucks advanced, always in groups. Already earlier, they met great, yellow boards with notice: "Achtung! Bandengefahr! Fahrzeuge nur in staerkstem Geleit..."(Attention! Danger! Cars only in strong convoy allowed). Splendid, splendid! That is exactly, what they were seeking.

They went straight on. Without contacts, they could only hope for a lucky strike. Angus suggested the direction to Michniów region, which he knew from the last year; only the disease prevented him there to join the guerrilla Ponury squad. Now, Michniów did not exist anymore, village incinerated and people smoked out and killed by following German penal expeditions. Ponury went far away, in fact further they thought, altogether from this world. Nevertheless, Angus hoped secretly, if he arrives there, maybe someone should identify him. This was not as stupid as one may think, based on Ponury squad emerged in time of the II Concentration three battalions of Home Army.

Before coming to the place, they met a new battalion, created in the program of the II Concentration. Primary they went off unaccepted, but then Angus saw a familiar face. This was not one of his colleagues or friends, but quite a coincidence, one of the so-called navy-blue, Polish constables from Ostrowiec, by whom his parents rented the local by the Wspólna Street. He knew the good opinion of Angus and vouched for him. More luck, he did not know the exact data of Angus birth and with his tallness, took him for older. So Angus added himself a year more and next corrected this to one and half more, which would be 18 years, exactly the recruiting age. Mathew being nearly a year older and well developed physically, so finally they got acceptance, if rather without enthusiasm. They were already too many young men unarmed, and they, too, included into the category. With some surprise they noticed in the troop many men in older age, all armed well. After time they got a wind, they all were the so-called navy-blue police officers or ex-service members, who remained in Polish Police during the occupation from need, but at the same time belonged to conspiracy. They used the first opening to volunteer to guerrilla with their personal weapons; some also owned stored weapons from before the war. Good patriots indeed and respectable people, also they could shoot well, but they scanted guerrilla experience and lacked the necessary endurance.

Angus and Mathew felt rather alien in their company because of age. Besides, a big number of unarmed voluntaries presented a heavy load for the troop, it was necessary to protect them. A large part of them, with Angus and Mathew, went away two days later, to sent another troop. A good decision, because soon Germans surprised the first troop, they could not smash them, because the defense was ardent, but incurred bad losses. So the armless young voluntaries survived, but in fact, the battalion has too less experienced men; the weapons are not everything, even with men shooting well behind them.

On the way Angus got, what he considered his first weapon – a hand grenade of domestic production. The so-called "sidolówka", because in cans from a cleaning abstergent called Sidol. This sure brought up his frame of mind. But afterward he heard, that these grenades often do not explode, he met a person who had such experience, throw the canister, which only rotated, making fumes, but nothing more, luckily a moment of psychological effect sufficed.

The second troop appeared better organized and based on experts with former guerrilla experience, with best tradition. Angus still was only an unarmed civilian, unwanted baby and rather useless addition, young green novice hardly tolerated. There was one word, he especially hated, luckily the expression did not catch, "a super-number".

The subjective feeling of Angus may be low; however, this setting was normal, general accepted and plain. Simply it was more men than weapons and the logical solution, as in all Polish raisings before, was that these people should go into battle in the second line and take up the weapons of their killed mates. Surely, the optimist hoped they may take the weapons of the killed Germans, a rosy perspective, but this could happen only if they go straight on, holding the field.

Theoretically, this way in the battle the troops may strengthen despite the incurred losses, the number of people may drop, but the firepower and number of weapons increase. About 20 – 30 % unarmed in a troop, they thought acceptable, but a problem was, it the proportion reversed, less than a third armed, which happened often in time of a coming of many voluntaries and boost of troops.

Anyway, a known fact, that if two armies, one well armed and the other poor, close in a serious combat, after a certain time the differences blot out, wear of. The poor equipped troops soak with weapons of the well equipped. Such was the case with Home Army, at the end of fighting their troops had enough weapons, even some stockpile remained, if this concerned only the manual weapons, not the heavy ones. The same experience, as in all fights for independence, repeated many times: "With scythes we shall take the rifles, and with rifles artillery."

However, such a manner of supplying troops is expensive; they paid with lives for the weapons. Because of this, in the guerrilla troops reigned a cult of weapons, they presented the greatest treasure, objects of bless and greed, adoration and worship. Almost, there formed informal fan clubs of the top exemplars; no owner of most luxury car today can feel such affection and pride, as did contemporary holder of the Polish Army pistol "Vis". The German "Parabellum" they considered not much worse, but naturally the dream of life was the US Army "Colt", probably owing to disproportion between supply and demand. The only way to get a "Colt" was to spring on parachute with his personal pistol, only some officers, especially with commando's experience, owned this at this time. Afterwards more of Colts arrived, but the allies never provided AK with enough weapons. Considering this, it may be understand, why a genuine obsession spread between the young soldiers, often the preferred weapons beyond their survival instinct. The only comparison appears with feeling of Gollum for The Ring.

Only with a gun at hand one could become a genuine soldier, some simplified this, saying: a true man at all.

A weapon one could took by personal merit, then, nobody could challenge this. It was possible to receive a weapon, for example, from a friend, who got something better; then the matter needed approval by the commander. Commander could too, give a weapon, but this happened seldom, first he rarely had such a dish in disposition, and if so, only for someone who distinguished himself, for example by outstanding courage. Anyway, even this could happen only to a man, who already had a good opinion between colleagues. The commander usually asked all present, if they think the weapon goes in satisfactory hands and the recipient shall make of this a good use. To say it short, before getting a weapon it was necessary to have opinion of a good archer and knowing the mechanics and maintenance of the weapon. (The people say, in the US Army they go hoopla when maintaining and cleaning the small arms, yet in the guerrilla the soldiers not only cared, but often caressed the guns.)

This may seem a closed circle, impossible to get in and start, but it was not. There existed a simple custom, independent discovered and continued long before by Angus. It was necessary to pal up with some genuine soldier who already had his gun. Angus already once before remade the lesson, in 1939 y. in Żydowo (see Chapter 2). The pattern was the same, the greenhorn helped his patron, occasionally feed him, offered cigarettes and generally appeased. In return, he could clean the gun, occasionally to take it apart and put together, without looking, load and reload it and especially to carry away the defused weapon and trainee the catches, stimulate shooting to trees. The last the greenhorn did usually discretely on the side where he could be alone, because it looked a bit ridiculous. For Angus it was a repetition, but he considered never to many of the lessons and he made a good report soon. It became obvious that he knew by heart the Polish carbine and equally well the German, both of them similar.

However, after a few days Angus managed to close a promising deal. He changed the owned grenade, all the clean linen from his rucksack and different other belongings' for a genuine pistol. It was only a wreck with limited utility and high degree of wear out. To say it straight, it may shoot sometimes.

It was an old 9 mm. Hispano- Suisse, in his youth a good weapon and sometimes called too "a Spaniard" like the famous Colt-Spaniard, but now it was only taking some undeserved glory from this respected name. Unfortunately, from the cock often sprang away the coil and it took skill and luck to put it back. In the magazine there were only five cartridges, the owner expressed several doubts if it shall be possible to use German ammo, from the Parabellum type, he already tried without success, and about Browning cartridges one could only dream. It was difficult to get even the simple rifle cartridges, between colleagues they valued between five to ten cigarettes for one, to regrets of Angus, who did not carry a stockpile, though smoking occasionally. However, he never considered such use.

Whatever, Angus was proud to have a weapon, indeed scratchy, but genuine. Anyway, in use were some astonishing museum pieces, from times long before WW I.

The vintage Mausers still had high opinion, but the oldest Angus ever saw, was a Nagant revolver from last century, for which the owner personally made the cartridges. So he felt happy now; only in future had to learn, that in a crisis it is worse to have a bad weapon than no weapon at all.

The vintage Mausers still had high opinion, but the oldest Angus ever saw, was a Nagant revolver from last century, for which the owner personally made the cartridges. So he felt happy, only in future learning, that in a crisis it is much worse to have a bad weapon, than no weapon at all.

Thinking it over, Angus assumed wrongly, that he has only moderate chances to be an expert with long arms, because of slight shortsighted. However, with intensive training and fetch he may be good with a pistol and decided to concentrate on this exactly. From least year, as he tried to attach to the troop of Ponury (Gloomy), he heard details about him and Nurt (Rapidity, Current), his second in command and now successor. He tried to remember and assembled every information about they extraordinary achievements and what they said, how to gain the experience and expertise with a pistol.

No matter that, he could not hope to get the crown of expertise, the so-called instinctive shooting. Ponury supposedly explained it so to his soldiers: "You are not a bit worse than I was, but you don't have such opportunity as I did. In the period of training, I could use average 200 cartridges daily". Afterwards he explained the basics of single phases of proper training and Angus decided to copy this. The first was preliminary exercise of the palms, the speed of rotations and speed of closing and opening. At this stage he didn't' require the weapon, but instead he should take the exercises every day for hours. This trained Angus still home, maybe without quick perspectives the motivation not so intensively; he already mastered the necessary minimum. Now he could advance for the next steps.

Better to make it clear, that at the time people used quite another style of shooting, that known now from movies and TV. Angus never in the whole war saw a man shooting from a handgun held in both hands, the closest what he saw was supporting the one hand with the other. Usually on greater distances, the gunman would extend the arm overall length or almost, as much, as was necessary not to force it rigid, tight: the hand should captivate the weapon easy. At close distance and especially at this instinctive shooting he would bent the arm different wide, from about half-length to direct by own body. With the second hand protecting the gun from above, if the enemy was real close. Angus never could train the instinctive shooting, but heard, the initially step would be to take the aim from half- or quarter-turn, the direction always steady and the hand took only the elevation. The main was to be easy all the time except for of the split of second when shooting, well, the two moments, because it they recommended better to take always two shots. After the war, he astonished seeing on the movies how the actors fan the universe around with their guns held in both hands, a longtime could not believe it is real, taking it for a part of play. Yet after years, as he tried to shoot from the heave artillery the people in US use, he understood the problem.

Anyway, after achieving efficiency of palms, next step was a sure catch and handling of the gun. The so-called juggling (tumbling) of the gun is neither a silly play nor a fun, but done for concrete purpose. The gun has to stick to the hand, as glued, never losing contact with the palm, if only touching it open. The matter is, fighting, the man sometimes performs violent movements, waltzes around, but he should never lose the gun, especially not allow the enemy to get it. This makes necessary a close association, feeling of a gun as grown to the hand. Some guns of older types had fixed a special metal ring, which the ancient troopers attached to the shoulder or made a nose around the neck, such a ring had the mentioned Nagant. However, this custom of the past used mainly the cavalry, in the infantry is enough having sure, dependable hands.

But the crowning purpose of the training is the skill to take a sure shot in minimum of time and to do this it is necessary to take first the gun. Again, there exist different schools and many utensils, even gadgets, but he heard this only theoretically. He decided on the simplest way, to place the pistol in the left internal pocket on the breast and use a technique, putting it away direct after catching without placing it proper in palm. Only in the moment of taking it up, by own weight an inertia it goes inside the hand just before targeting.

Angus did choose such a manner, because it needed no special skill, work and exercise was enough to earn sufficient results and he was clumsy, as his colleagues often joked, good, but in theory. Coming back to theory, he heard that a good enough time would be about quarter of a sec., but the best shots achieved below 0,2 sec. Some said there are people, who are able to make it twice as fast, probably a legend. Perhaps there are people with exceptional speedy nerve reaction. It is a common knowledge, that some animals, especially birds have times of reaction several times shorter than humans do, they may be also individual physiological differences. Angus did not have any personal experience, not even an observation; he tried to stick together fragments of information gotten second hand within general principles of a reason. In the books, he found too nothing reasonable, only silly sensations. So the main source remained the tales about the Gloomy.

Angus never had the privilege to join the Gloomy troop, never passed a word with him; the best was seeing him from a distance, which he considered a great honor and luck for himself. However, he heard a tale from his soldiers, who saw this event with their own eyes. Gloomy didn't show personally the technique of shooting, if the question aroused, he rather asked his officers, supposedly calling the Nurt a master of handgun, and the Robot en expert of long and machine weapons. Only one time, as the point arouse at the conversation by the campfire, he let encourage himself. The twilight was not yet full and the fire caused a changing, rather difficult illumination. The Gloomy advised one of his soldiers to step away some 25 steps and throw upwards two coins. He stood turned away, but as all looked at the throw, he inverted, two shots and both the coin bounced. They found them the next day, both with handsome dents from hits. Nobody saw him taking the weapon, nor hiding it afterwards. Never afterwards, he wanted to repeat the performance, joking that after suck lucky accident he cannot again risk his reputation. Angus heard the same tale from different people, it was always identical, only some details slightly different, as for example the distance, from 15 to 25 steps, or if Gloomy stud fully backward, or slightly turned away to one flank.

Nobody now knew that Gloomy already met his death, only the legend lived; but for the people, who knew him, he always remained an ideal and highest authority. If this, what Angus heard, could be genuine, it would mean, that Gloomy exceeded each and all in every way. This may seem doubtful, considering he was only one person. However, it shows what opinion had this commander between his soldiers.

Anyway, Angus could never check, if fragments of his speculations and following deductions were correct, including the important (only for him) question if he, following them, could achieve the expertise and experience in use of short gun. He had to interrupt his training. It only lasted not full week; later the events take another turn. As happened before, soon the fate determined another way.

He did not remember exactly, but maybe after five days in evening they had an alarm and readiness, nearby appeared a German squad. As the front moved nearer, the German troops saturated the near lands, especially around the communication lines. This place had not the right conditions to put the rear troops, also of units of AA-defense. Therefore, it may be possible preparation of a round- and comb-out operation or snap attack, like the one who met the first guerrilla troop. On the other hand, it was rather strange, because Germans principally never entered the forest in the dark, would not begin operations on evening.

However it became soon clear, that it was only an auxiliary German squad of the so-called Kalmucks and near-by are not any other German soldiers. The Kalmucks arrived on horsebacks and spread in forest in bivouac. The alarm canceled; the Kalmucks sure would not attack. Nevertheless, for safety, they were sent observations sentries and close by camp settled a post with machine gun. The experienced soldiers told the new, possible before leaving the Kalmucks may organize a performance, imitating a skirmish, addressing a rapid-fire in the sky. However, nothing like this happened and at daybreak, the Kalmucks passed away quietly as a fog.

Angus' colleague, Matthew encouraged him to go to the place where the Kalmucks spent the night, not exactly from curiosity or for tourist sights; the place was not only worth seeing, but also searching. Encamps Kalmucks were not, like the guerrilla custom, cleaned, checked and combed before departure, they left it with different residue. Mostly shit, but since they did not aped a skirmish, perhaps because so close performance may change into a genuine skirmish, it was possible to find a few of spread ammunition. The Kalmucks always carried a big stockpile of ammo and it they shot it all, returned to the Germans for more. In fact, they accounted with Germans by the spent cartridges, and some missing men, supposed dead. Less by the number of wounded, but the German medicine personnel accepted this as natural, they treated these people as beast, who had neither need nor confidence to doctors, their wounds healing as on dogs. The best they did, if in good humor, would be offer a little sulfamides (there was always a ready market for them), the worst to address them to a vet. However, since they did not shot, they must still have lots and lots of ammo. Although the patrols came back already with report, several guerrillas went now to search the ground in detail. The shortage of ammo was even worse, than the poor weapons. It was almost so, as if somebody told the gold diggers, that in a nearby river they are in the flow nuggets and golden sand

 Capsule: The Kalmucks.

With all due respect to the Nationality of Kalmucks, this matter does not concern the genuine Kalmucks, who had not much to do with the WW II, beyond this that it become for them a terrible tragedy. The people were not many, nevertheless the underwent a vicious homicide in which only about a quarter or less survived, even after half a century, the population still could not regenerate in half. Nevertheless, the Germans came only near their border and could not inflict such losses; it was Stalin, who ordered their extermination.

Nevertheless, the Germans used the name, Kalmucks, as pejorative definition of a part of Soviet POW, meaning Russians with big mixture of Mongolian blood, also Turkish and Asian. Nazi with his racial views treated them as mongrels in exact sense, still allowing them to serve, but not in the army, rather as underdogs.

Hitler and Stalin unleashed the WW II together, without Stalin's affirmation of help and backing, next material support, the Nazi aggression would never take place, Hitler would have not a chance to attract and pull (move) the Wehrmacht. Nevertheless, the worthy duet from the start would remain in love only to the moment of triumph over the rotten democracy. There could remain only one victor alive, taking all the loot, so they both prepared an unexpected attack. Stalin had more experience in murders and in fact, Hitler many times followed his steps, copying the methods. However, being a student more intelligent as his master, he managed be the first and surprised Stalin. With appealing declarations of everlasting friendship he almost, but not quite, managed to slit his throat. The Commander in Chief survived, but the Red Army suffered too badly. Nearly all the soldiers doing the compulsory service, first, all the youth of this country perished. The lucky ones killed outright, the less lucky died in the captivity or after.

In Chapter 8 there is a Capsule about the fate of Soviet POW, no need to repeat this. One should never compare human deaths, pain, agony, torture; this would be a cynic sacrilege. The author, who as a Pole may be suspected of bias, nevertheless thinks in private about this as the top cruelty in this war and probably in all history of humankind.

There were three such colossal crimes with about equal number if victims and almost as cruel and in every case there was something strange. Despite becoming mortal enemies instead of dear friends, Hitler and Stalin continued further unanimity the crimes they started in common. The homicide of Poland population (1939-52), Holocaust, the homicide of Jews (1941-44) and homicide of Soviet POW (1941-52) they continued in common.

The huge numbers (about 6,5 mill) of Red Army captives were not traitors, quite contrary. It was their Commander, who betrayed and deserted these people. The Commander in Chief, who forbid even to announce alarm, banned any defense in case of border skirmishes and to be sure, banned taking any sharp ammo. In short lead them defenseless direct to a slaughterhouse and left there without any sensible, correct orders. Next Stalin ordered evacuation of generals and stabs, but dropping the soldiers. Nevertheless afterwards denounced all who surrounded as traitors who deserve punishment with death (even the families he ordered prosecuted). At the same time Hitler declared, Soviet POW had not any human rights.

In such a hopeless bottom of hell, the condemned men appear not to bad at all. Less as 10% (up to 600 thousands) became a turncoats. From these, the most known formation was ROA (Russkaja Oswoboditietnaja Armia) with Gen. A. Wlassow, but they were only two regular divisions and one brigade, up to fifty thousands men

Supposedly, they tried to behave human and in result Hitler resigned from extending of ROA. Anyway, neither Angus nor any Polish guerrilla ever saw ROA. But instead, Germans created many small subsidiary troops called pejoratively Kalmucks, especially if the men had an addition of Asians blood and next this name got familiar among the Poles.

The Nazi viewed mongrels unfit to serve in a regular army, but entrusted them with police works, watch duty, occupation oppressions and any dirty actions of underdogs. Rather primitive, alienated from their environment, often they were worse than the Germans and more hated, although they occurred some decent. With negative selection, the decent lasted not long.

Finally, in summer 1944 the Germans build up special cavalry units for braving the guerrilla. These troops, composed from former nomads, shepherds, mobile, able to survive in field or forest under open sky independent of weather, with no restraints to enter the woods day or night, could become dangerous to the guerrilla.

However, they were not. The wanted not battle, did have neither the motivation nor heart for this. With one exception only, if they had no possible exit, they were able to combat bitterly to the end, even more efficient and stubborn than the Germans. After a time all knew, that it is necessary to leave them a free way to retreat and that solves the problem. They were simply buying time to preserve life and this was the only thing interesting them. If they did not oppress the civil population, there was no conflict of interest with guerrilla.

Many times they aped skirmishes using up the ammunition, conducting a sharp offensive in a direction, where was absolutely nobody or shooting to the sky. The actions took place as far from guerrilla as possible, with guerrilla also escaping the close meeting.

In short, they tried to keep up the appearances and reported to Germans only for new ammunition and provision. German soldiers were not fit for this sort of life and service, unable to go with them, but they were not exactly idiots and this performance could last only short time. Anyway, they survived some time and finally the Germans reacted in specific for them manner.

Exactly such a squad, of about two hundreds horsebacks, quartered here, causing not any upset between Poles, only the usual precautions. The Kalmucks, too, must orient themselves about the neighbors and they left fast.

Janek Klita had almost twelve years, but being a small boy looked hardly nine. His hair was fair, but the eyes red, it was not mark of any disease, but a constant lack of sleep. Dressed in shorts and a shirt, but walked barefoot, for a country boy at his age this happened rater rare. Going to the school, he took the shoes with him and put them on just before entering. After the school, took them off again. His own being already too small, he used the shoes after his elderly brother, deported to slave-work in Germany, too big for him now, but the have last for a longtime.

It was obvious, the life did not coddle him, even a galley pulley (rover), never mentioning a slave in Roman ergastulum, would make poor business, swapping life with him. It was not in the least, that he had bad parents, contrary, the whole family was strong loving and he remained now the only child in-house. Nobody was in any better condition, the war turned for all of them only unlucky.

The father was born as a poor tenant, but a person insistent and tenacious (stubborn). Starting as simple farmhand, he decided to be a farmer and left to his children his own farm, if only small. He found a lass, hardworking and poor too, but with her own allotment of 1,5 morgue (a little less, than one acre). It was only a sandy glade in the forest, near the fringe, where even the trees wanted not grow. Several twisted pines, one spruce, sharp grass and a lot of sand.

The whole village knew the parents as best with any work, but even the fairest farmhand did not get rich. So the father moved with a spade to seek occupation by building and mother had to keep the family. Early in 1936 y. he managed to buy a horse and a wagon. Now began to expand COP (Central Industrial Region), there was much work with transport of earth from the excavations in Starachowice and Ostrowiec. Now he returned on Saturday's evenings, not exactly to the house, but to a shed and stable, which he built. He could not sleep and not eat, only work, but the horse certainly not, so he bough some grassland and a scrap of ground at the edge of forest. Then, the cow too could live there, having a pasture and the next was a hut, little and simple. Yet the kids had already an own roof and milk. Cow was a base of life in peasant families, with milk and cheese one could always survive, and cream and butter sell for ready money. Usually once a week, sometime twice mother saddled with bubble of milk, a pot of cream, some butter and eggs left before dawn for Ostrowiec and afternoon returned with shopping and some coins, after over 30Km walking.

Both worked heavily, the whole economy of family resting on the woman, who had two small children in care and as only help. Nevertheless, they feed already not too bad. The dairy, which in the village was always a base – and very good, generations of Poles, especially from country, own their health and vitality to this. Next they could breed some pigs, in average two a year. They had now two and half hectares of ground, not much, but they agreed on buy of more. As for now, they had enough of oat for the horse and pasture for the cow, which had a calf. They wanted not to fatten it, but grow for second cow. Father returning on Saturdays had always the wagon full of different leftovers from disassembled houses, so they were planning to build a real house.

In 1939 father got no mobilized, the constant overwork caused, the medical commission regarded him not strong enough for military service. Then the army retreating needed his horse and wagon, and its boss decided to go voluntarily. He returned in October, a shadow of a man with shadow of a horse; with a deep hate for the Germans, the cause unknown, because equally, they both said not one word.

Now he would never work for the Germans, not for anything. Anyway, the Germans needed him not, they did not extend the already functioning armament factories, only introduced continuous day and night production. They also did not rent wagons for roads construction but introduced compulsory transport, called "sharwark". There was some possibility, the rich farmers wanted to hire someone for replacement of their "sharwark", but he wanted to hear nothing. However, it was necessary to find some work, if only to keep the family, give to the horse and cow something to eat. At least someone hired him to transport the trees and wood to Ostrowiec and next, he started an own independent enterprise, cutting the wood (taken from the forest) and selling it in Ostrowiec. The business was not bad, the winter being extreme sharp, only in December so much snow has fallen, that it was almost impossible to pass the way. But also, the price of wood went up. Alas in 1940 all prices followed, the money lost value and indeed for the agreed before cache, the family could but not the two hectares, but only about the quarter of ground, a scrap enough only for potatoes. Nevertheless, they could live still, father cut and sold the wood, mother the dairy, even kids collected the berries, and the older boy helped mother to carry it all to the city.

The bad fate began with 1941y. First, the relations with the village spoiled. Somebody disbanded a slanderous gossip, called them speculators, getting rich in the war, despite the fact, that living in austerity, they lost the means, they saved before the war.

The Polish people have his advantages, but also specific defects, like all people. They are different and the most negative, black feature of Poles is envy. Some try to explain this by want of equality, it sound better, but the Polish envy runs to limit of pathology. In USA reigns a cult of progress, a man who made good, "self-made" person, became idolized. In Poland opposite, a success is a cause of distaste, assigned with worst features and if the concerned person deserves it – it is an okay, because all expect this. However, if it is a respectable person, the distaste changes to hate, it is a known psychology law of compensation, that people hate anyone whom they harmed groundless (the pattern "maybe we did an injustice, but he deserved this").

They are ancient proverbs like: "a noble on a farmstead is equal to governor" or "who wants to learn, how sharp our swords are, let him take his head over their brothers". Now the Poles tell an anecdote about Polish hell, which the devils don't need too guard, because if some condemned soul manages to get out the fire, immediately the others pull him back.

Klita maybe achieved not a lot. Anyway, a fact that a plain farmhand can advance to a farmer by his own merit and work in bad conditions remaining successful, living modestly, never drinking and always saving, was unacceptable. Among the farmers, also among the tenants and farmhands, who could not endure, that anybody leaves their hell. And all this independent, a bad example indeed. The next series of bad luck changed nothing, it only evoked a comment – "didn't I say so? I knew how it all shall finish." First fatality touched the only cow taken on mandatory contingent (confiscated).

Supposedly, it was an unjust decision of the village chief, because the Germans appointed the demand of cows on the village area, and obliged the chief to divide it proportional to the farm fields. They had only 2,5 ha., jet they had to substitute for a much greater farm. Mother still hoped, she might overcome, growing the calf. In winter 1942, fell a much worse fatality, bandits robbed them. Although the left money was not much and a few possessions were not of much worth, they carried away the horse and wagon, loading it with the killed calf.

However, this was only the beginning, with worse still to come. They lost the older son, sent to slave-work in Germany. It made no difference, that he only began 15 years and looked even younger. It was still possible to buy him of for hansom bribery, but the leftovers they had not enough and they lost it in vain.

Now Klita could transport the wood only if he rented a horse, or in company of an owner of horse and wagon, anyway the owner took a lion's share and for Klita remained a wage of a worker. Trough his whole life he knew only one remedy: to work more and still more. This time he run beyond endurance and got a disease, with rupture could not work anymore.

The young Ian could not understand what got into his father. He always demanded a lot, but was in the past good, he took care of the son, occasionally too much. Now he became eternally discontent, rash and short-tempered, easily ran in anger, but with look, it was easy to run away from him, he could not run. He cold not manage himself, so he commanded to work his son continuously, who could not copy all duties but anyway, had to help his father. Having neither any horse nor money to pay for plugging, they could only kick the field with spade, cultivating potatoes, a few tomatoes and other vegetables, which they ate as only food. However, the parents commanded him walk to the school, but he was so weary, that he understood nothing and slept in at moments notice. Finally, the teacher seated him between two bigger boys, who had to wake him if necessary and they did it with cuffs.

Ian held a rancor to his father to the moment, as once he him to drop the spade, lay down on the field and began to weep. Until now he never saw father weeping, he could not understood this. Anyway from this time did not run away and tried to make all, they told him – in fact to work without any break. With luck, in summer, there was on school and he could sleep a little more, but still too short. In fact, if someone would check, he would mark, Ian slept only five, occasionally up to six hours a night.

Mother changed too, but in another way. It was, as if she was absent. She did not respond, almost stopped to talk, only looked in front of her and prayed. She walked several times to the hospital in Ostrowiec trying to perform there for husband's cure, but they had no money not only to pay for a therapy but even for transport. She also walked to the village, seeking an occasional job and if with look, she bought bread, but they ate it seldom, usually only potatoes. Mother dried the bread and every few weeks sent to Germany for his son, if she could, adding a scrap of dry beacon or a little salted pig's fat (speck). Only these packages interested her anymore.

When they lost the confiscated cow, the village chief promised, they should get daily some milk from the farmers, who because of this preserved their cows. However, it was long ago and now seldom they got some milk, rather as alms. It they had some, the left it to acidify and used as a dripping. Acid milk is a valuable, source of many vitamins. This typical Polish ingredient for centuries was responsible for plain people health, many survived only due to it. On the other part many Poles thrown from his country, a longtime sickened because a lack of this, before adapting to new environment. The main is not only the better digestible proteins, but also especially the live cultures of lactobacter acidophilus and similar, producing constantly the full spectrum of vitamins B and vital enzymes. At the time Hitler got sick, his digestive tract malfunctioning, his doctor, unfortunately, healed him with culture of germs taken from a cow stomach. Acid milk would do the same even better, but he certainly did not deserve this.

Anyway, the protein may be healthy, but there was to fewer of them. With luck, there remained several hens from the early inventory; they did not bear well, but anyway laid several eggs a day. It is not easy task to protect the hens in a forest, they need safeguarding from the beast, but in first place from the people and several times the German soldiers appeared in the village. Therefore, the coot was not right by the house, but hidden in forest, less safe from the fox, but more from the soldiers. Exactly in the evening Kalmucks searched the house for food and carried away only some dried bread, potatoes and some tomatoes, noticeably disappointed. Luck, because the hens were the last left over, the family had not even a dog, because he must seek some food himself, nor a cat, because the house was so poor, the mice wanted not live there.

It was the fear for hens exactly which caused Ian to let the house and stalk after the Kalmucks, he had to know, from where they came and where are they going, how long may be the stay. He went cautiously but sure, he knew there by heart every tree.

The twilight began already darken, but in next twenty minutes they arrived to a clearing in the forest where in place of the cut trees, grew the small ones in company of bushes and herbs. It was exactly the place, where he picked the berries, closest to the hut. Strange, there altogether burned no fires, he could hear incomprehensible conversation, but rather quiet. In several places near the fringe, he could see big shadows. There were horses, rather small as for horse and guards. As he wanted to step closer, the horses disturbed, they began to stamp and snort, the guards alerted too, moving and swearing, he had to recede cautiously. He never saw such horses, smaller even than the peasant horses, but alert like dogs.

After some time he circulated the place and tried again. This time he managed to the clearing. Bent low, he went along the familiar path and a good thing too, that he had his head so nah to ground. If not, he could step on somebody who lay direct on the earth and slept. After a moment it got to him, there slept more people. In addition, where the single horse stood, strange, he could see now other horses lay too. It amazed him still more, but he though he had seen enough and now the time has come to retreat. No tents, no fires and sleeping on naked earth – it could mean only, they will go and fast. But that people slept between horses, he never heard of.

Coming back, he met something with his bare foot and almost stumbled. With luck, it was not a man, something hard – well, the man was too, not faraway. A rifle! My god, perhaps it will be not a mortal sin and even if so, it will be worth this. He could never leave it there so. Catching this he surprised, how heavy are these rifles. Obviously, the soldiers must be terrific strong. Not a chance, that he could with such weight recede, anyway he could never in days and nights deliver this for house. Suddenly he remembered, in a little distance there is a hole he checked, because he though first it may be a foxhole, but it was empty; only some umpteen meters. Somehow, he managed and from top feel the opening, with hands made it bigger and finally put the rifle in. He covered it with twigs and earth and on top set a bush of blackberries. After some rest, he retreated and with luck returned to house. He told his father, that, disturbed about the safety of the hens, he watched the place and around it. This was the truth, but only a part of it.

The terrain was about 150 x 300 m wide, overgrown with young trees about a man high and bushes, smaller in average a half, with many crammed herbs and weeds. Two strips of fresh grass cut the glade off from the old forest. The grass now appeared crinkled and stamped, occasionally dent in the earth or covered with shit of horses, sometime too humans'. At one end of the rectangle, a couple of figures reeled, stood or bent from place to place, as if searching for mushrooms. Angus and Matthew walked to the opposite end, which seemed empty and began to comb the field, attending especially the places dent in. It doesn't mean, they were exactly harvesting the cartridges, however in about half an hour Angus found two and Matthew, always more observant, more. No doubt, the Kalmucks rode away overloaded with ammo, it was heartbreaking only to think about such a treasure.

But obviously they were not, as they though, alone in this spot, after a time they sighted a small boy walking around and looking out. They were not too happy about the competition, with a prick of a jealousy noticing, that probably he is more efficient or lucky. When the passed by, Matthew said:

- Hey, what do you make here? -

- I pick and collect – answered the boy – It is my forest. –

- Oh, really? A big parcel of it, so you are rich indeed. Do you always collect here the cartridges? –

- No, I always pick here the berries – the kid explained – and then we bear it to the city to sell. -

- Aha, and do you want to sell the cartridges in the city, too? Better, may we buy them? We pay one Zł a piece. –

- What about two? –

The price was rather on the high side, equal to four cigarettes from fair "Virginia" tobacco of best sort, produced privately and called "anonymous". Anyway, the wanted some ammunition, if only for several trial shots. Even if the exercise should not take place now, before the march, if they may offer a pair of cartridges, their "gurus" shall lend more often the rifles.

- Now you want to much. But anyway, we take them.-

- You said yourself it is better always to negotiate before the deal. –

- I? I never! I did not say a word like this. –

- Not now, it was some years ago. Father took me on the wagon to Ostrowiec. He transported wood there and would sell it for 400 Zł in your house and you said this between you and me and I repeated this to dad and the deal got up to 500 Zł in result. –

- O, so I made a bad business! Now I have to suffer still more for this. –

Now Angus remembered, on the spring 1941 a coachman with a child brought a wagon of wood, and he warmed for the boy some milk. Did they talk at all?

- Well, but do not say to me Sir, I turn back seeking to whom you may speak. If you want to add something, say to me "colleague". This was a custom from Ponury squad and several "old" guerrillas continued this, but it was not much in use for now. - But first, let us talk business. –

The boy had 25 cartridges and when he sold them, he added a pair for luck and asked:

- Sir Colleague, do you have a rifle? –

- Alas no, but I hope to get one shortly. –

- Do you have a revolver? -

- Yes, I have one – told Angus, neglecting the difference between revolvers and pistols. –

- Would you change a revolver for a rifle? –

Angus almost froze.

- Do you say, you have one? –

- Well, I have, but it is for me too big and to heavy. Even dad could not use the one, because he is now sick and weak. A revolver would do, we could defend ourselves against the robbers and to be sure, even against the Germans. -

Angus, frozen before, was now hot from emotion.

- Listen, if this is your earnest, not a joke, show me you rifle and I will show you my revolver. My revolver is not a good one, nevertheless I want a rifle and very much. Maybe we can make a deal, buy it or I add something to the revolver, we certainly came to some solution; I am much interested! May I come to you house, is it far? –

- I have her here, nearby. –

The boy advanced some twenty steps to side and looking hard at the earth stepped near a small anthill, took e few steps and knelling down on the ground, began with his hands to disturb the earth. After a short time, he uncovered a hole and said: - Here it is. Pull! –

Angus, as well as Matthew, wondered, they both never saw such a weapon. Rifle was astonishing heavy, only the wooden butt saw normal, lock with a shorter bolt (lever), the safety catch like usual, but what a barrel! It was enormously thick, maybe up to 5 cm and ended with an iron pear, consisting of a short cylinder between two cones. This part was about 10 cm thick and 15 long, with a bullet exit of normal caliber at the end (so the first impression, it may be some portable artillery, was, thank God, false). It was obvious, the true barrel must take place inside the thick tube, but why? They found the serial number and inscription, 1918 Steyr. The rifle seemed in perfect condition and new, considering the date it was probably only recently taken from a storehouse, deposited there conserved and wrapped some 25 years. This guess confirmed the layer of grease with adhering now sand and earth. No doubt, after hiding in the earth, a careful cleaning should follow imminently.

Yet what was it? Surely not a machine gun, if according to the weight it was as heavy, as the Polish LKM or even heavier. Anyway, it was not much time, one had to decide on some action and move the lock. With luck nothing unexpected happened, it acted on enough similar principle as the known and from the rifle they downloaded ten normal carbine cartridges. After unloading, they inspected the weapon more closely. This cleared the secret, it was obviously an automatic carbine, they heard already about the used in Red Army "Dziesiat'bojki". But this one being rather crude, old, even vintage construction, probably adapted and maybe specially projected for trench warfare, where the transport was not much of a problem. In the "pear" at the end of barrel they could see pierced little outlets, so obviously the escaping gases must work the lock. This outdated piece, the Germans took out back into service for the turncoats, exactly for the cavalry, where the horse could carry the heavy load. If the constructor lived still, be may astonish by the unexpected use. Anyway, it was more rational, than throw the still effective rifle away from magazines.

However the fact, that it would use the available normal ammunition settled the question, Angus wanted to get at any price. If he could see the future, to know the heavy weapon damages permanently his spine, nevertheless he would take it. In fact he would take it if he should expect it may kill him or if would be necessary to make a deal with the devil, selling his soul.

He took out his handgun to show to the kid, never hiding its faults that sometimes it does not shoot, that from the lock may fall out the coil and it takes time and patience to put it back. Not to speak of finding it. Alas, he has nothing better. Anyway, the kid seemed fascinated as much for the pistol, as Angus for the rifle. Angus recognized the familiar spirit, which has not anything to do with reason. The kid wanted to learn all details, but it was a hard case, he had none technical knowledge and it was not easy to explain them. At the end, he asked to take a shot from the handgun.

- This is impossible. I cannot take a shoot without approval; neither can I allow this to you. Every soldier has to listen to his commander and we have a rigorous prohibition of shooting without order. First, a sound of shots may fetch the enemy, second it may alarm our troops and in worst the case some undisciplined greenhorn could answer the fire. The only thing I can do is to ask for permit for proof of the weapon. The commander may not allow this right now, nevertheless I expect, he will allow this tomorrow or the day after. Usually before leaving we have allowance to fake a few shots, because some testing is essential both for the weapons and the people. - Seeing the disappointment look of the boy he added: - and why not make it a simple business, as before with the cartridges, you sell and I buy, I shall pay you all I have, start negotiating. –

- No, nooo! Never, I do not want to sell. I can only exchange the rifle for the pistol. – The boy did not explain, what inappropriate he saw in plain selling, but Angus understood the fascination, spell, a dream of his life, like his own.

- Okay, but I must explain you that your rifle is worth much more than my pistol. It would be so, as if you changed a cow for a pig. If you want it so much, you can have it even now, but we can try a shot only when I get the allowance. I shall pay the difference in cash; I have the money, more as I need. -

It is necessary now to explain something about the contemporary relation between the population and the occupants. Angus had few of his personal money, but he bore always with his papers the biggest banknote, the so-called "highlander" (500 zl). Just in case, if a need arouse to buy himself of by a handout, an informal ransom if he should be catch in an unexpected round-up or control. If one saw uniforms of a patrol, the smart doing would be to change the direction, to go away as long-distance as possible. Nevertheless, if you may be too slow or too late, no luck, the only left alternative was serve the ID, the so-called "Kennkarte" with a slid in "highlander". The document would return after the control, but without the banknote. It was a common practice and the soldiers and gendarmes always acted "honest", most people got away free, especially from the slave-work (if Klita the older brother had the money, he would miss the work in Germany). The only exception, the gendarmes could not accept the bribery was, if it happened in presence of a superior or officer. One could buy off at almost every step, only at every higher step the cost would go up. A simple matter, to understand this it was necessary to remember, that war was a business, to be exact, a robbery on a giant scale and the plain soldiers without great possibilities, nevertheless wanted too some profit. At least they acted decent and trustworthy, Angus experienced once such an encounter and all ended well. It was necessary only to put next "magic amulet" in the ID.

Except "Kennkarte" (ID) it was mandatory to display a second document, "Arbeitskarte" (Works-ID). Angus had a weak employment: a barkeeper in a pub (buffet), which may not protect from slave-work. Opposite, it was rather an invitation to take such person direct to transport into Germany. Mother bought him out already in the Arbeitsamt, which was much more expensive and really ruined the family for a longtime - see Chapter 9. Next, she additionally bought him a second document, that her son does the duty of a trash collector. This was a strong document, with a clause naming the person as "kriegswichtig" (meaning without her or his help the war may be lost), to about half of 1944 it guarantied the personal security. Afterwards it was clear for the most stupid occupants the war is lost anyway and nobody took such documents seriously anymore. Nevertheless, the over-caring mother insisted on carrying a second "highlander" into this warrant card.

Both Angus and Matthew, in fact everybody "going into the forest" (a contemporary idiom meaning to guerrilla) did not take with them any ID or any other personal papers. Carrying any papers on any action was banned; this is obvious and does not need explanation. If anyone, dead or alive, fell in German hand, they certainly would revise him after every scrap of paper. They presumed, the alive may held out saying nothing until shot, which in the field condition would follow quickly. However, any written information certainly they could send to Gestapo and there may follow an identification. It would be bad luck not only for the person, but also for his family and possibly for other contacts and people, because it may be the end of a tread for the investigators. However, leaving behind all documents, Angus took out from them the both "highlanders" and so, besides small money, had at his disposal a serious amount of a thousand Zł.

On the black marker the price of guns, sold by the transported to the East-front German soldiers, was between two and five thousands. However, it was possible to buy sometimes something for one thou., if it was a direct from hand-to-hand transaction and necessary a quick one.

Many of gun holders boasted, they bought a weapon even cheaper, it was so a contemporary fashion suggesting how smart they were, contrary to the dowdy Germans.

Anyway, this was all he had at his disposal (omitting some small change) and that he could pay and offered now, adding to the pistol as replacement. On the other side, the boy rather staggered by the amount, wanted not accept so much, saying, surely one of the "highlanders" will be enough for the whole family to live to the end of this year. Therefore, it followed for a time "a dealing in reverse", with the buyer offering more and the seller demanding less. Finally, Angus convicted the kid to accept the sum of one thou., with a reserve, the parents would not object. If they did, Angus should talk with them.

After closing the deal, the time has come, to get the commander consent for the trial shots – and more. To say it straight, Angus went to the commander with a heavy heart, frantic with anxiety. Although in the guerrilla generally was respected the right for personal weapons, in the first case this concerned the weapons taken in battle, by personal merit. In case of weapons gained by money it was another kettle of fish, the commander had the right to buy it off (preemption) for the troop. The price would name the temporary tenant, but it was out of question, that he could inflate the price, often rather opposite, the tenant demanded less from the grounds mentioned before. However, this happened only occasionally. More often, if the commander was in doubt about the ability of the tenant to be able make a good use of the weapon, he could on limited time turn it into better hands for the common interest. In short, it was a temporary replacement, which didn't change the ownership. This happened seldom, but Angus was jittery, if it may happen to anyone, in a first place to a greenhorn like him.

It was the crucial moment of his life, now he could either achieve the dreams of his life, or remain a zero, an ineffective teenager able only to dream of becoming a soldier. Almost, as after long time a castaway on the ocean suddenly snapped a rescue-ring, when already despairing, but still could lose it. He tried to stay calm, repeating, that he really is not bad with carbine, learned to get around with it years before, still in 1939 y. and forgot nothing. The matter came back in his memory almost ever day and all know, he has a good report; but what is the importance to be even the best among the worst, inexperienced. He almost could hear a comment: "There occurs an expert from the unarmed civilian band". With bad conscience he decided to report, that he found the weapon personally, it was not in the least as good, as take it from the enemy, but a better title than buy for money. Next he decided, before going to commander, first try his best for a favorable opinion between the troopers in his squad. It was about the same principle, as before praying to God, some think it would he better to turn first to the saints for support.

Not only Angus, nobody else saw before such a rifle and it excited a much interest. Angus served all explanations if sometimes not exactly precise, but with such a face, as if he really knew what he was talking about, learn the construction long ago and researched it in every detail.

Usually, the weapon pleased them to the moment of taking it in hands, but then the comments sounded: "Well, he is young, big and fat (What a wrongful injustice! He was not! He only got a bit more substantial many years later!). Let him develop some more muscles. I wouldn't carry such a canon even, if I got pay for this."

Angus did not protest, rather happy with such an opinion he repeated this around, stretching the problems with a heavy weight of the gun. He reported the request for the commander to his platoon chief, who after some time told him, the commander is busy, but tomorrow will see himself the trial shots and maybe some officers may came with him. Angus considered it a good sign, with the gun remaining in his possession; every day strengthened his right ("beatus qui tenet"). Secondary, he got time to find out details, familiarize him with rifle and got the feeling in his hands. He expected now, if he makes tomorrow not a poor show, if all goes well, he may have good chances to remain with the carbine. But still, a very demanding instructor taught him to take apart and put together again the polish infantry carbine "blindly" and "on time" (up to 15 seconds). If he never forgot the dreams and could now practice the exercises again, nevertheless this one was quite another matter – and gun. He was not to sure and decided to entrust the matter to Matthew. His friend had simply a talent for such details, he could repair watches as amateur and always faultless. Often some wheels remained and Angus joked, Matthew does it free of cost, because if he repairs ten watches, he has parts to build the eleventh. In fact, Angus indicated to him something about it being their common rifle, more he was afterwards ready to repeat.

So letting now the rifle for expert investigation, Angus went to the boy. He was already nervous, that he left a loaded pistol to a child for such a longtime, although in these years it was not unusual and besides the kid promised let it in peace to the time of second meeting. He could not do less, if he wanted to get the rifle, and now had to close the final deal.

Nothing bad happened, the kid held his word; they met in the forest near the coot in the described place. It was good, that he came, because the boy remembered about the hidden cellar, rather a provisory dudgeon or covered trench nearby for the potatoes, but empty right now. He had a great want to try the promised shot there. He said, there is no chance any shot could be heard, not even by the hens.

Angus did a quick inspection. The cellar was a short ditch, covered with halves of tree trunks free on the earth, only in several places where the sandy earth run down, there were some woody supports. With the sandy earth, there was not a danger of ricochets. No doors, but the entrance could remain covered. Therefore, it was hard to notice it, with this done, the dudgeon was almost invisible and isolated. Only there would be quite dark in, he had to help it with a candle.

Alas, the results of shooting went discouraging.

After the usual, lengthy and rather boring admonitions, the boy gets the pistol. Angus seeing the disproportion of the little palm with the gun tells him to hold this in both hands (although at the time he didn't know this way from American movies) and to be sure supports them with own hand. Boy presses the trigger, but no shot falls, although they hear distinctly the impact of the pin (hammer) on the shell (primer). Angus in confusion takes the gun and takes out the first cartridge, there is a nice dent central at the bottom and obviously, the ammo is at fault. Now he repeats it with the second cartridge with the same result. But the third cartridge fires, only a part of gases escapes back from the lock, burning slightly Angus hand, luckily this happened not to the kid. Now he gives the gun to the boy again, but positioning them so, the hot gas misses his skin and protects it with his own hand. This time the shot falls correct and the boy seems happy. The fifth cartridge, the last, again does not fire.

From the five cartridges, put in the magazine (all Angus had have) only two fired, meaning the reliability of the weapon was only 40%. A shocking result, if this happened in real battle, the soldier with such a gun in critical moment would have about 60% chance of sudden death (and something near this really happened to Angus in the future). However, maybe the atypical, obsolete ammo was to blame, as point to the dents on shells. Angus asked the boy, let him to take the pistol for a day or two more, he wants take some advice. Maybe one of the noncommissioned officers, who occasionally acted as a gunsmith, may help (but Angus already talked with him and he said a "no can do"). The boy agrees.

However first he must now prepare himself for tomorrow, this should be the day fixing his further life. Matthew turned to be dependable as usual; all details of the rifle and especially of the lock being clear enough. Now Angus learned them too, and if he was not familiar with the mechanism before, he still had time enough for exercise; he expected what the questions and demands may be and braced oneself for this all.

Next day, the first two shots from a support took as the best archer, the platoon chief, discovering, the rifle has a small tendency to shoot to left, it is necessary to aim with a correction to right side. Then followed three shoots by Angus, he took them from free hand with a satisfactory result. Finally, once shoot Matthew. They both met with an approval. Sure, they were not many shoots, but with 20 cartridges left it was about 20% of ammunition wasted. Angus recognized some peculiarities of the weapon: first, the big weight, caused astonishing small recoil, the rifle was very stable. In fact, it was a formidable weapon and many years after, based on this construction developed a heavy, big-caliber sniper carbine, a terrific and terrible weapon (still about 5 Kg heavier). Yet already this piece had possibilities, with an optical viewfinder it would be just a legend and the man owning this too – and probably dead in short time. However, there was no way to get one and Angus could only dream about such a miracle. Next peculiarity was a rather quiet, deep sound of a shot and a full lack of flash, for soldiers in trench warfare it would be a great advantage, but in mobile guerrilla, the deadly weight was a serious hindrance. Anyway, Angus wanted not arouse any interest for, as he considered, his new treasure and was glad, as he finished the trial shots and still had his precious gem.

Alas, with the pistol there could be nothing doing. By an exchange, Angus got some Parabellum ammo, but after consultations with local expert and Matthew, they decided, that first it is indispensable to review the lock, probable to change the pin for a longer and sharper one. Only next, get busy with the hammer. However, it was more than the expert could do, they had to wait for someone with better instruments. Supposedly, the first battalion had a real golden hand. Angus dreaded of a moment, when he has to tell this to Jasiek and how. He really would prefer to fall under the earth first. Especially, as the time for a trek has come, they stayed already to long in one place, organizing the troop. Anyway, the permission for try shots signaled clearly, they had to leave.

By an unexpected luck, the problem solved oneself. Before Angus managed to tell anything, the boy first said, he resigns from the pistol and leaves this to Angus, because he experienced, the shooting is not quite so easy. He hopes Angus shall manage better as he, or even as the dad would. He would very much like to think, that Angus kills a gendarme, best of all one "in black" and he may have a small account in this. Obvious, the SS-men in black uniforms were not gendarmes, but what is the difference, Angus understood the intent. Angus guessed, probably, the kid had a serious talk with father.

So, it was the best, fair and sunny day of his life, a golden day when all dreams realized, biggest thirsts satisfied, luck followed his steps. What to the devil, shall he never stop being an unrealistic kid, believing in fairy tales?

A short time more he believed in his luck.

Reminiscences blurred and speeded up, the happenings followed now quickly one after another. The guerrilla squads gathered, first they squad mustered to a group, next others followed, with the numbers grow the spirit and hearts. For Angus it was a sure this must be beginning of a rising. The plans were secret, but from small fragments, he already saw the picture: they shall take the whole region, but first capture the armament factories. With them they may arm many people, create a power, that can beat the Germans, at least locally.

He was so busy with exercises with his carbine that almost lost contact with majority of the events. The whole time he pressed on and on with maximum of all-out effort to be ready on the forthcoming great moment. He noticed that Matthew must get some gun too, because he stopped loaning it from him, the only time of leisure and from this time, they both lost contact. His instructor from 1939 would feel satisfied, maybe proud of him as he repeated to infinity the movements, all single fragments, to achieve speed and perfection. Usually he searched a secluded place, to make no fun for colleagues. There he aimed at the trees, changing positions, fell and rouse up, trying to held directing rifle as speedy as possible, but with soft and easy movements. He introduced some elements watched from the Germans, as for example rapid sitting down with crossed legs and aiming. Shooting from this position they never practiced in Polish Army, but seemed a sound idea. Overall, it was rather an exhausting gymnastics with weights.

He hardly noticed, never listening to complains of the experienced old troopers. They felt sorry, that with the growth if the force, organized now into division (no mistake, it was a great unit, the II Division AK and the force grow still), many old, inadequate officers came back to service. They learned nothing, fitted not the guerrilla warfare but introduced again the old, absurd customs as before the war, demanded saluting, thoughtless obedience and training. Even the automatic movements and orderly marching, prohibited in guerrilla. Angus had not an opinion in the case; anyway, he would agree even occasionally march on legs and hands, only to take at least a part in a genuine combat. He simply conceded to every reason of every interlocutor, but as short as possible.

About middle of the month came news, they shall march to Warsaw, evoking a terrific enthusiasm. No matter they had to drop the previously prepared in years, detailed plans of insurrection.

From the west came new troops, which, after complete formatting of the II Division they should develop into a new division from Czestochowa, the whole united group becoming a Corps. The whole force, a mass of people over 6,5 thousands, started with haste in direction North. It was not a guerrilla anymore; it was a regular army in beginning. A big strength, great force from which the German troops run away in front, closing again cautiously at the backside and withdrawing, if the rear guard inverted.

The whole time they could hear the shots, continuously followed skirmishes in the rear and supposedly in the front. They did not weave anymore, didn't bypass the localities. The huge force could crush any enemy and any barrier. After the 1939 y. it was a first time something like this could happen, it would be worth to live or die for such a moment. Such may one feel a resurrection.

Nevertheless, there was something not in order, which oppressed him worse and worse. A though, which he tried to silence, forget, nullify, but which with time got more real. When he closed eyes, it came again and again, there was no escape. Some foreboding struck in his mind as a sharp blade in an open wound.

He never fought yet and nobody wanted him to. From the moment he feel ready, sure of his hand and weapon, he volunteered for each action, every patrol, yet always omitted, left behind. Usually the company commander asked for volunteers, many stepped forward, Angus tried to be one of the first. Then canceling the formality, commander said a patrol may go there and there, he proposed the leaders and they selected the people. A pure routine, they only looked around and nodded or motioned the hand. Angus still pushed forward, but nobody looked at him. Finally, he decided to move the case.

He got an answer that shattered his spirit.

- Listen, every patrol' leader has a holy right to choose such people, to whom he has a full reliance, the ones he knows and is sure they shall not run, nor fail in a bad moment. If you were in his place, you would do the same. I cannot disagree, imposing other people. Experience decides. -

True he had none experience. How should he get it? The same bad pattern repeated several times, at least twice, he was near the purpose of his life and both times dismissed as inadequate simpleton. The first colleague and friend, Stach, with whom he took the classes in the secret school and who afterwards perished at the fatally ended action on his candy' manufactory, never told him a word. Even as he took Angus on the last reconnaissance before action, he left him full in dark. After his death the contacts broke. (Correction: the information appeared not correct and Stach, very much alive fought in another guerrilla squad and survived the war. It was his family which wise invented his death, including even a mourn mass. Stach and Angus met after the war, however hadn't the time to talk, with Stach shortly arrested and placed in Kielce prison, but Angus run away.)

There were more such episodes, for example at the end of 1940 and especially in late spring of 1941, when he came to the sport-field of volleyball in the forest ravine between Traugutt and Zeromski Streets to admire players. In a lion part, they consisted of members of the second Ostrowiec Company of AK. The players were several years older as he, only a kid of 12, next 13 years and there was not any nearer contact. He only recognized their role later, after the brave, but tragic action of abducting the German Commissar of the City. They knew Angus, tolerated his presence and probably were aware, that he just dies from thirst to take share in conspiracy, but never suggested anything to him. Once such moment of serious talk was close, but after he said, he can't even ride the, bicycle they crossed him out. Perhaps, he should tell then, that his disturbed balance is due to the shot, when he supported the rifle on his arm in 1939 (with years, this defect eased and gradually passed away).

There were still more of such moments, but the gist is Angus was not sure how to evaluate himself and he varied between a high opinion and a deep contempt. At his age the sole objective indicator could be the opinions of others. But obviously these opinions must be negative, if he deserved no reliance. The people judged him as one who could break down in a crisis. He was playing a fool, tried to mask, but these funny procedure could not cover the genuine face: he was a zero, a nobody; it was as he didn't exist. No sense to strain himself, it was all for nothing.

He knew in advance all consolations, like he is still at the beginning, they are more openings and lots of opportunities before him, probably too much. It is only a question of time and patience to get the so-called experience.

However, there was something more, something only he knew, nobody else. In fact, he only realized the point, when there was the last moment to look in the truth eyes to eyes. His time was not coming, but already ending – and fast.

Granted, he was not the only one in bad form, all were exhausted after the days of par-force marching. Matthew by example stopped altogether talking with sore feet's, one quite fatally, he only soaked them and did not want to eat, only fell down. But Angus knew, they all shall regenerate and only he had not a chance, by no means.

Angus recognized a situation very like the one he survived a year before, when he tried volunteer for the guerrilla squad of "Ponury". Waiting for final decision, he got sick heavily and they drove him unconscious back to house. He survived by a miracle, there was a shadow of convalescent for about half of a year, recovering slowly. He finally got fit and then hit for the forest experience again. All the time he observed his organism carefully and tried take care of it, not because of hypochondria, but so, as if caring for a machine, on which depends the execution of important work. The conditions in guerrilla may be not always the best; nevertheless, he watched diet and checked the condition of liver constantly. Everything was OK, no worrying symptoms.

Well, the tummy functioned as a Swiss watch but he concentrated on the liver, and there happened a quite another trouble, with the backbone. He believed, the former misfortune was an accidental failure, which he managed to repair. Exactly now, as he got a second chance, the history repeated herself, only another part of organism cracked down. He was simply build from a poor, weak material. Peer in eyes of a simple truth, that you are really a scratchy junk, which should not push him in front of better. Well, he may be suitable in guerrilla, if he could have a warm, comfortable bed, fine food and best of all, a private nanny. If any, he had already experience with failures and after the former, he could forecast what will follow. It is impossible to surmount disease with willpower as like hanging a great weight on a weak, paper string. It is only a matter of time; finally, he shall break down as before.

Would he have a chance, if he would give away his wonderful, but alas too heavy treasure, the carbine? Probably not. Starting the soldier's life, wanting to harden and steel his body, stuffed his knapsack full of stones, besides the personal belongings. Then, he has thrown away not only the stones, but given away most of personal stuff, even lend to Matthew the repaired pistol (well, in part; maybe it would be more proper to say a little bettered). Now he carried with him nothing beyond the lightest bits and cartridges, also not too much. This all has not much effect. Even if he disposed of the rifle, this could reduce the whole weight of himself with all the rest, - how much? About a sixth, seventh part? Could he then go about a sixth part of the way further? Let us say, ten to fifteen Km, to Warsaw is still over hundred. He could not; but even if he managed, what good would he do there? Even if he also managed get some another weapon, he would have no strength for combat; be not only useless, but a problem for his mates. First, never, but never, he drops the weapon while sill alive.

Exactly so, while living. But what, if he goes on carrying the rifle till he drops down and then shots the ball in his head, and the only worthy, the rifle takes someone further and uses it with benefit for all. But he rejected the though almost at once. He considered suicide once before, in 1940 as it seemed no hope left. He suggested this to his parents a suicide of all family was in his view half so bad. They discussed it together and from the time, he regarded suicide only if it was necessary. For example if Gestapo got him and he would break under the torture, could tell something harming other people. Now, it would deserve contempt, a dog's death to a dog (nonsense, dogs do not kill themselves, the scorpions do).

If anybody said to his mother, her son killed himself… No, he could no think about this. The only exit was a death I battle with honor. If he could manage to kill several enemies – and this was quite possible, if he would dedicate all though and will to this, ignoring personal safety, nobody would guess how low was he worth. At least parents find some comfort, when the first shock and grief passes.

On the other hand, he anyway has not a chance, nothing to be sorry. Even if he wanted, he could not return home, it would be impossible even if he would agree and accept the shame. He has one similar experience, but then he had only 25 km to the house as the crow flies, maybe 30 by the wagon, they could drive him in one night and even so it was a question of luck. Now he had to the house a distance, well, maybe 150 Km, such distance would take long time and the way would be on the backside of active front, full of German troops. He had no papers, nothing to identify himself, so in the best case, if they would not shot him directly, he shall end in a prison or concentration camp. Perhaps there may be a small chance for a slave work in Germany, if they need desperately workers, but it would amount to the same, in his present health, he would survive neither. It there was no way to survive, the best one could do is to perish in battle, being useful to the last moment. However, he must hurry, because he has not many moments to disposition, going by last power.

Suddenly he wondered, noticing praying. Several years he though and behaved rationally, believed only in concrete, but in a bad moment happened to uphold some private link to God, as at the children's age: - My God, let me die in a battle with the enemy! I am at brink and this is the last and sole thing I ask You, it may be the worst, cruel death. If You give it to me, I will – he searched his thoughts but there was not much he could promise, offer to close a deal. – I shall apologize for my whole life; regret all bad in the last moment. -

Sometimes in the past he made such deals with God, but today he had nothing to offer, if he expected not to live long enough to keep his word, neither many prayers, nor concrete donations, nor renunciations. But anyway, only the sole feeling, that such a line still exist and he can talk on his end, decreased much the tension.

In this minute he saw a concrete plan, the more he though about it, the more real and possible everything seemed. He should stay in this place right now. Decide himself about his fate while he is still able to logical reflex and deciding. Moreover, while he has still some strength left to carry out this.

How? It would be simple enough he saw everything distinctly. All around knew, that he exercised daily with his gun, some even joked, only several last days he did not have neither time, nor the power. Therefore, if he now shall stand up and leave with the rifle, all would think that he goes to compensate a bit the missed exercises. He will take nothing but the rifle, because he will need nothing anymore. He shall hide and when the troop marches away, choose a good place for ambush and await the following Germans. A few he may shot, before they orient themselves and afterwards, before he perishes he would still have an equal chance to hit more. In fact, he shall have a better chance, because it is up to him to choose the place and terrain and prepare his position and they will have to improvise. A reasonable plan, it can, it must, it shall succeed. But he has not more time for reflections, already in half an hour the time may come for all to get up (for a reveille).

He got up, only pulling up and tied the boot strings, took the rifle and went in the same direction, as before. All slept on, only one moved and grunted: - You are crazy, but more power to you. -

On his way he deliberated, where to find best place to take cover. The forest shall be the most obvious place and there his mates shall search for him, if he does not appear. They probably may assume, that he lost calculation of time and continues the exercise, or took a moment of break and with yesterday fatigued slept in. He decided to left the forest and hide on the open area, there surely nobody would search for him. Yesterday, before they entered the forest, they preceded a piece of grassland (meadow) or unattended field, covered by a dry grass, only the part near to trees was green. Walking by, he noticed a shallow ditch, which looked like an old drainage unused a longtime, in part filled with earth and in other parts overgrown with herbs. If he stretched in the nettles on the open terrain, nobody will look there for him. He must only take in consideration, that at fringe of forest surely watch the open field the sentries, so it would be necessary to steep cautiously and look around.

After a moment he noticed the ditch, or remains of several ditches, had a shape of a big L, the shorter part coming to the fringe of the forest, exact between a group of small young pines and birches. Sentries or no sentries, there lay his chance, either he manages it or not.

He continued the short distance to the fringe of forest and then, bent low, between the baby trees to the ditch.

This was the part of way, where most caution was necessary, but he did not see or meet anybody. The ditch was shallow, at places to the belt, sometimes only over the knees.

He did not crawl, such extreme sheltering from his friends and colleagues would be unpleasant, but he moved speedily, remaining bent. In a time of a pair minutes he arrived to the right turn, after grew the nettles and he was invisible there, with the only exception, if he showed himself deliberately.

Moving along the ditch parallel to the forest, to be exact, almost parallel, in fact a little at an angle, the distance increasing, he unexpectedly faced a small bridge. Well, it was a buried into earth cement tube long about up to 2m. and maybe 70cm wide (diameter), probably making a passage for wagons with grass or hay. Both ends of the tube in part blocked the falling earth and overgrown the herbs, but sure it would be proper to inspect it closely. First, after cleaning, it would make a covered passage between the two sectors of the ditch and second, it could make an ideal hideaway. Before starting the work, he put forward his head and devoted several minutes to detailed inspection of the region. The sun has risen, but the shield was not clear visible. This would take probably an hour more, because the sky was without clouds, but foggy. Now it was on the left side, this means before him is south to east and it shall shine into his eyes at the fighting time, alas the forest border will be visible to the enemy. As for now, everything was calm and peaceful, neither a movement not a sound around.

Putting aside the rifle, he began to take off the weeds and a coat of earth with the knife cautiously to leave no telltale traces. The lose earth he collected into his handkerchief and tipped some distance away, but the weeds he decided to put again in the same place only a bit deeper. After some time one end of the tube was open, the second was more difficult, because the position there was inconvenient. The bottom of the tube was dry and clear of sand, but narrow; he had difficulty with his shoulders to crawl in. This all occupied much time, but it was worth of it. He retreated for the rifle, but before pushing it in, once more watched the neighborhood and rested. Next, turning back the third time, he tried to locate in the former places the plants. Surely, the native former Americans would notice the difference right away, but he didn't expect any Amer-inds right in the next hours. Only after the weeds dry up, it will be visible for everybody, but this may take several hours. Now again he tried to hide himself with the plants camouflaging his legs, but still there was problem with containing his shoulders and head was to near the end, may be visible. However he decided not only use the vegetation, but also to mix some nettles into his hair and additionally use more to decorate the collar. He never practiced this sort of camouflage, nor heard about this in guerrilla, but read many a fiction. Nevertheless, this should do for a short time, he prepared a place where in case of urgency he could dive in.

Next, the time has come to inspect the rest of ditch. It stretched for some 200 m longer and then came to a shallow depression in a sandy earth, already before the wands crumbled down, it was possible to stay there only on his stomach. In any other position a man would stick up as a sore thumb. The nettles grew in groups; there were several thickets and between them grow even higher, but more rarely put together herbs.

Now Angus could do no more, but wait. The sun shone still pale enough, but gave a little warmth. He chose a place between two clusters of nettles not too far from his hide-out and sat there leaning on the wand facing the sun conveniently, viewing all around. From the forest he heard not a sound, the troop must leave already or be ready to. Sure, the must noticed his absence, but he was right, nobody would search for him here, on the meadow.

In some moment from a sitting position he slumped on the flank and awaked, realizing with dismay he must slept in. He could not allow this again, but on the other hand he felt now better and stronger; it would be reasonable to take advantage of every moment of rest before the last effort. He decided to come up every ten minutes and watch the horizon, and meanwhile to lay easy on the sun. Yet nothing happened, the sunshine got warmer, the insects rattled around. To overcome the sleepiness he began planning the future battle, think about details and envisage concrete and possible sequence of events.

The top interest was, if there comes Wehrmacht or SS. Good God, let it be SS, any of it, Waffen SS or the Police-regiment SS. Exactly in the moment, when he was killing the next one superior officer, dressed inappropriate in a parade uniform, black, with silver scull and bones, woke him a screech of a magpie. This voice, on which he was already sensitive and thought about this only early this morning, instantly sobered him up.

On the horizon, he could see two figures in "feldgrau", two soldiers came on. They were far away and went rather slowly, the weapons not at hand, but suspended in front, he still could not distinguish them clearly, but they made a careless impression. A patrol. He sure could shot them, but he came here for better targets, not for two such oafs. What would be the sense, if one good-for-nothing soldier of failure as Angus, shoots two such easy-marks? If they only had on them the panther coats or curled up sleeves – in short, if they looked a bit more dangerously…

Certainly, he must let the patrol go by and wait for a greater group. For such a chance, he prepared the hideout. He crawled for the bridge and checked the vegetation. Okay, it has not the time to fade yet, looked still fresh. The other side looked well too. Then he slid into the tube, first the legs, head and shoulders quite by the brink. The rifle he held by his breast, a little sticking up so he should be able to put it forward in a short time and shoot if necessary. Next, he made frills of nettles to decorate his hair and collar and subsequently arranged so greater weeds, that they curtained his head and shoulders. Still he had much time, waited and waited. What takes them so long? Passive waiting made him jittery. Did he cover all good and proper? Would he better correct something in the last minutes? At least he heard their voices and it was not German language, he could distinguish Russian words. Well, the Germans were not too eager to go for reconnaissance; they had released their underdogs.

The soldiers stepped on the bridge and stopped talking. Angus imagined how they looked around. Time flowed and they didn't move on from the place, something must be not in order. Second after second passed, he was now sure they must notice something, he felt like an animal caught in a trap. He was so sure of him, while moving in a time and place leading to catastrophe. The soldiers still sighted him not, but something caught their attention, they watched something, maybe he arranged awkward the plants or left some traces of the taken off earth, there was many possible mistakes. God forbid, if there may be visible the end of his shoe.

They may already bend down and look. In a moment, they may slip a grenade under the bridge, even if uncertain, just for good measure, to be sure. Or, only take a shot into the opening, just in case. The only he wanted now most in the world was stand now with them face-to-face, came out of this trap and if die, then die in a combat. He made a big mistake, he calculated bad the time: to come out it was necessary a whole series of movements. Stuck as a cork in a bottle, first, he must necessary put up the rifle, then place both hands on the brim of the cement tube, come forward, catch again the rifle, turn….

In best fall, it would take him 4-5 seconds, but it would take them only one second to shot. For a moment he shut his eyes, because the plans and visions followed so rapid, his head almost busted. Simultaneously, some part of his mind and all willpower concentrated on this, neither stir, nor even breathe to loud.

He determined to move only after they make the first move, what are they waiting for? At least a grenade cure would be fast enough, but an upward shot from the bottom, what a disgusting end, long slow dying. He saw such wounds, from the start of the war and now and he heard about them. Just nothing doing and the dying takes hours. It would be much better to get a shot in head. Suddenly he felt being in a ready tomb, from which is no way out. The cement coffin did catch him and holds, strangles him, it was a dire emotion. He felt, as in his guts, now already in throat grows a scream, which he shall be not able to hold, they remain only seconds, till he shots out from the tube and the shriek out of him. Never before, he had an attack of claustrophobia, but now such attack cam. Despite of all, he still managed to hold the breath easy.

In the last split of second, when he could not hold out any longer and was ready to anything to come out of this coffin which wanted to crush him, already in the stadium of panic, he met the internal intercom and spoke direct to God:

- O Sire, this is my least second and if You may to extract me, to make a miracle, but speedy, do it now. I shall ever believe, that You made this miracle, never doubt and always swear it, but hurry, be quick. I know I had to die, but let me do it in open and fighting, not in such a repulsive trap. -

The time is relative; this all could take over a dozen, or maybe several tens of seconds, but on the other hand a half of life. At the end of this, he heard a characteristic splash and lops. The soldiers on top of the bridge urinated, nearly on his boots.

Later they said something and moved further. Angus waited a time, without any reason, he was simply too weak to get up and covered with a cold sweat. Finally, he managed out. Sun heated the ditch, he felt warm outside, but in the concrete hideaway it was chilly and he still remembered the infernal chill, if strangely wet from sweat. Even his hands were wet and this never happened before. He listened from a distance the steps and some swearing and looked after the soldiers, they went for the forest. After some time, he sighted the other two in flank. They too mowed slowly toward the trees. In an opposite direction, the horizon was still empty. He could not see anyone. This was okay; he needed time to come in order.

A few minutes more and he moved along the ditch to the right, to a big cluster of nettles. So far, he shall stretch in the ditch to relax and when the patrols return or the enemy will come, he will lay in the nettles flatly. Never anymore, for no price he will bury alive in the concrete grave, even if it were the safest hideaway in the world.

Fifteen minutes gone and he felt almost human again. When he looked again the squad in the distance approached. They did not go in a column but in loose formations in hives or groups. He still could not see them distinctly and could allow at least ten minutes more for the last, most important rest before the battle.

Then he watched them coming. The first groups stopped some hundreds m. before and to the right flank and so it was well, the shoots from flank are always more effective, then direct from front and he shall have the sun nor direct before him. Obviously the were to take a short rest too, before entering the forest and at distance of a wait shot. Possibly, they waited for the patrols. Angus peered for rear but the patrols did not show, probably would not return in next time. However, new pairs left from the squad, but before entering the forest they fell on the field; they were not patrols, but sentries. With luck, they would wait in flank of Angus. Meanwhile, before him arrived more troops and they stopped too. Angus could see them now in details.

Here he froze. Everything was for nothing, all the intents turned futile. The plans he laid, so careful, so real, sure were just a fantasy. Sure, there were many soldiers in front, in perfect position as if living targets. But not German soldiers, they were the Kalmucks again. There was not sense realize his plan. Why would he kill the Kalmucks? They were not the genuine enemies, only people in extremis, unhappy and trying to save their lives without harming anybody. (Angus did not know, at the time they already crossed beyond this border, he had only the experience about the cavalry unit and there was a great difference). Besides, if he had to kill in personal defense it would be only regrettable, but not a cause of glory.

Angus still remembered the huge columns of POW, treated so, that behavior like so with animals would be a shame and disgrace. The poor devils killed themselves in the most terrible manner. He still remembered the stirring cadavers behind the barbed wires of around the old high school building. No wonder, if some could not take more, broke down and became traitors. There is a limit of human endurance, he was not sure, in such conditions if he would be able to kill himself in time, which was the only way out. Anyway, the ones he met up to now tried not battle but only to keep the appearances.

He could now shot some of the unlucky, but do so without a hard must would be a bad. If he only knew, which of them were the worst, which did have on his conscience the civil population (it was know they were such animals), he may shoot them if it become indispensable, if sure an unpleasant role.

For Gods love, there must be Germans somewhere. May all his plans end only with a failure? With one exception, because probably here he shall perish, yet without glory, without purpose, achieving nothing. The whole life of a bungler, meaningless and death meaningless, as if he existed only in an unreal world, all looks so well, but only in imagination, then in reality it turns different. This soldier of failure must have some defect of brain to act so miserably. Never mind; here comes the end.

Could there be a chance to wait for German troops? They must follow the Kalmucks if only to hold them on a short lash. Angus had not any encounter, but it knew, that many small squad of Germans progress after the Second Division of AK: gendarmes, Wehrmacht soldiers and all sorts of police forces. Many said, they use also the Wlassow formations, but this was not so, they had nothing to do with Wlassow, they were different other subsidiary formations, the so-called Russian Hivi (help-volunteers). Sincerely saying, all sort of garbage, which the Germans considered not suitable on the front, but enough to act at the back under the German patronage.

May he hide under the bridge once again and wait, untill the Kalmucks go and some German squad follows them? The Kalmucks cannot stay here long, let us say one hour, top a pair of hours, the Germans would not allow more. When somebody hires hounds, he makes them to run and bark. However, Angus was not ready to return willingly to the odious trap, in which he would be helpless and could only expect the death passively, as not a full hour before. One passing patrol missed him, but remain in near of many resting soldiers was quite another kettle of fish, the soldiers may look around, perhaps use the ditch as a latrine. The returning patrol can point out the bridge as a convenient place. He must think, but first look around the site.

Cautiously he put forward the head and inspected, trying to remember all details. The Kalmucks arranged themselves on the meadow around some 200 m. before the ditch. Probably a short rest, but it was hard to tell. He heard the words tough not understanding them, they neither tried to speak quietly, neither prepared for action. Probably, they waited for the patrols, which gone to check the deep of the forest and who may be in there. Angus thought, the patrols would enter by no means far, probably tens, top hundreds of m. They would lay down and after a time return with news, that they were faraway and did not see anything special.

Several sentries passed him on their way to forest border, but none close-by and none positioned directly behind him. One pair was good visible, they took a place on a mini-lope shielding them from the forest, but exposed from Angus side, but they could not see him between the nettles. Anyway, they turned away and watched the forest. He could not see the sentry on right, but noticed the movement before. Sure, all watched the forest; it was plain logic. The Polish Home Army division several days went by par force marches in northern direction, omitting smaller deviations; German formations followed and retreated from any battle with the rearguard. The Germans sent the Kalmucks for info how far are the Poles, so they expected the Poles in front, but only Germans from the rear. The sentries had no ground to look back and Angus could concentrate on observation of the troop.

Suddenly he felt a violent impact of blood pressure and a wave of heat. For a moment, he covered his eyes and opened them again. Then he dropper into the ditch and a third time this day prayed: - I thank You for this, that I shall die with a purpose. I am asking nothing more, not even for forgiveness. Do with me, what I deserve, which is - better forget it now. I only thank, that my life-and-death has now some sense. I do not know, if this is a miracle or grace, I cannot think now. Thanks for this, that I must not die with desperation over my wasted life and with contempt for me. –

It was the third time he prayed this day, in fact making it up; he stopped to pray about a yearlong and thought himself an unbeliever. However, the close contact with Superior, the reminiscences of childish faith, stabilized him now.

This was unbelievable, like a fairy-tale. About 250 m in front and some 150m in flank of him, almost 300m diagonally, he saw the familiar form of MG. 42 with two German soldiers behind. Simply, a moment before there was nothing and now such a view, as on an illustration in propaganda news. Angus pinched himself to assure he preserves healthy senses.

Of course, this has nothing to do with a miracle, he understood the significance. The Germans came here not to support with their machine gun the allied force. He had heard already about the matter. The Germans, recognizing what to expect from the so-called "Russian volunteers" put behind them machine guns to "encourage" the men by shooting into their backs. Afterwards it became a public knowledge, that this measure, applied in Warsaw, unfortunately has given the wished by Germans results. Squeezed, from both sides, between the Germans shooting merciless into their backs and the Poles, "Russian volunteers in German service" fought with a rare determination, knowing, that they have a small chance of survival only, if the go forward.

They got a bad fame, murdering ruthless the civil population as if taking vengeance for own fate. Finally, the German command in view of this slaughterhouse decided to take the "Russian volunteers" out. (At least, gen. von d. Bach as witness before the IMT made such deposition. In fact, the Germans from the not effective men to men fighting, came over to use of heavy artillery and aviation from a safe distance.

Anyway, he could not expect a more desirable target. Dream, well, maybe; he could dream about shooting of high party official, a general, even Hitler, but it would be unreal. If he could not reach the leading hand, the specialized instrument of murders must do. There are the professional killers, genuine executioners, trained, experienced, and effective; every one of them worth a dozen of such greenhorns as he. A profitable exchange, two figure for a pawn.

He felt just magnificent. From the moment of the morning decision, the misfortune passed away. From this turning point, nothing could stop him, he cam over as a ravine or as some invisible hand steered him. The moments of despair before were meaningless. What, if the real world is only a mirage, as the Bishop Berkeley assumed and he only slept his life and just now approaches culminating his dream?

Angus forestalled exactly what shall follow. First, he must kill the one stretched flat further, because this would be more difficult shot, the man partly overshadowed by the laying nearer, making the target smaller and placed lower, almost only the head. Only then, kill the one in front, resting on elbows, with binoculars and a cap. Angus saw glimmer o silver and would bet anything, it must be scull and bones. An easy shot, but it must follow quickly.

As he taught in 1939, he looked at the sky and the trees, then closed his eyes, trying to uphold this image under eyelids, only this and stop, throw out all thoughts. Instead of this, he saw the fields in Żydowo and heard the voice of his first teacher, the soldier who showed to him the rifle and explained it to him the use: -Easy, easy now. Relax! - He opened his eyes, sure he cannot miss.

The two shots followed as speedy as after the recoil he was able to aim at the other target. Maybe it was more as a quarter of second, which would be a satisfactory result and what he was trying to achieve during the sole exercises, but he made it below a half of second. He felt sure, these were the best shots in his life and waited not more, but immediately dived in the ditch and frantic urged for a new place. On hands and legs, he reached the bridge, but pushing through the cement tube would take too much time, besides the bad memory of this trap rejected him. The earth on the tube soared a little in high, forming a bulge (belly), which should cover him from view, only the sentries from back could see him. However, looking there he could see nobody, besides the greenery should cover him too, so after a short moment of doubt he shot forward, like an eel slipping on tummy to the next part of the ditch. He moved there to a place, where, after fifty m. more, the ditch would at a straight corner twist towards forest. The earth crumbled there and fell down, making the ditch shallow but wide, allowing a good view in front. Angus crawled there and took his head cautiously.

The first striking impression was an unnatural peace and calm silence. An unreal feeling, as in a movie suddenly stopped in apparatus. Majority of the figures lay flat on the earth, others froze in their places, no movement, no sound, only the insect still buzzed. This was only a flying impression, because first he peered after the machine-gun. The two Germans, now even better visible, lay in the same position, the first leaning on elbows still held the binoculars, as it they not even noticed, that somebody tried a shot at them. Jesus, Mary, could it be possible, he missed them so wait? The bullets must fell in such a distance, that they did not take the trouble to seek cover! They sure had more courage, than all the others. The one with the binoculars only slightly put it down; probably he inspected already the whole foreground and listened now, as all.

Angus fell back. The soldiers obviously waited for clarifying of the situation, knowing not, who and where took the shots. What happened may be everything, a signal, warning, cautioning, accident; the most feared would be an unexpected attack of the so-called "prevailing power". Nevertheless, it will take not long, for the troop to restore the spirit and find the unfortunate clown, Angus, who caused all the trouble. Anyway, better to end quickly the bad business. What was the idea to start an action, being unable to continue with it, without the experience, knowledge, even a notion how to do it proper. "Quidamque agis, prudente age et respice finem". Exactly, it was a deserved finish of an obtuse creature, which occupies undeserved place on the world, eats bread, which should be better used by others, spoils only the air. And now, sits between the nettles like a bit of shit, with shacking hands, a sense of frustration and queasiness in the stomach.

Come back to senses, stupid! You have few of time, but at least this one you can still take, he is nearer now and in perfect view. Angus leaned on the wall back, took a few deep breaths, then looked at his hands; they stopped shaking. He put a pair of fresh nettles in his hair, wanting to wind them also around his rifle, but felt, his time ends, he must hurry. He placed the rifle carefully on earth base; it rested not any worse as by verifying viewfinder, when he took the first shoot. No any free shooting from hand now, he gauged carefully. Done!

Great God! He could swear the body twitched from impact of the bullet, tilted to a flank. He shot for a corpse, in fact two corpses, he shot both of them at the first attempt. Back into the ditch! He looked with astonishment at the weapon.

Before him, a hell erupted. Rapid-fire, a storm of fire, shouts, more so, screams as of wounded, as if an unexpected skirmish exploded. Surprisingly, no hail of bullets falls around him. How could they not notice him? He always heard, the third shot make the position open and visible, that is why the soldiers considered the third shot unlucky. Nevertheless nobody shoot at him, the mass of shots, directs to the forest line.

Afterwards he came to a reasonable conclusion, that it was the atypical, deaf sound of a shoot, which caused the lucky for Angus mistake. He only began to get the practice and knowledge of the strange weapon. The metallic pear at the barrel end, the whole construction, the purpose, well, one purpose was to change so the rumble of the gun, that is was deafer and low as if coming from a great distance. Sure, it must be an ugly weapon in the trench warfare.

What should he do further? Before him were only the Kalmucks and he wanted not shoot them. It there would be a question of self-defense, well. On the contrary, if he shoots them, they would with time find out his position and under a hail of bullets anyway he would become pressed into ground and unable to continue the fight. The only sense to continue would be, if he noticed any German officer. Only then, it would be worth anything. Alas, there obviously was none.

What would be the chances of retreat? The ditch, after the turn, lead to the forest, to be accurate, to a bunch of small, young trees by the fringe of forest. The sentries behind probably cannot get up, laying flat on the earth with bullets flying over them. The worst eventuality would be, met one of the patrols, which advanced into the forest. Well, it would be a question of luck. Hearing the rapid-fire, they probably dropped on the earth too; if they not met exactly eye to eye, they may miss him.

The deciding factor is the time. If at all, he should go immediately. In a few minutes, he was between the baby trees and out of the ditch. The bullets dropped, but not so thick, as he expected. The rapid-fire spread on a longline of the forest border. Deep bent between the small pines, he reached the forest and began running.

Suddenly he heard from rear "Pam" and after a second "Woom"! He never noticed there any mortar. Then again, "Pam Pam" and "Woom Woom". Could they be Germans? Unlikely, he never heard of using mortars to encourage the soldiers, only achine-guns. For a second came a reflection to turn back and look. Instead, he accelerated.

After some quarter of an hour running, Angus was reasonably sure, the patrols did not penetrate the forest so deep and he is beyond that zone. He sweated freely and died from heat, exhausted, decided on 10 min of rest. Now he undressed of all except the trousers and shirt with sleeves rolled up and the front unbuttoned, also wrapped up the knickerbockers. Naturally throwing anything away remained banned. The taken of closes he made in a small bundle and slid behind the shirt. The knapsack remained at the place of night camping, but the mates of the squad surely had carried it away, any place of rest they always checked, removing all visible trails, a steady routine.

He did carry only one thing, but heavy. This was his rifle, damn heavy but only now it turned out, how damn effective. He looked at it with awe. It ended to be his love and pride, in realty it was a fearsome instrument of death, but it was worth more as his person and must remain in his possession even if finally killing him too, breaking his spine. Produced at end the WW I, it was almost of the weight of four normal carbines; let us say three and half. However, if it got in use in production time, every exemplar would sure be responsible for more, as ten times more kills. A terrible weapon, needing a terrible man. The WW I ended and these monsters slept in magazines a longtime. Now thirsting for blood, it would kill everyone around, including him.

They both needed one another, the weapon and he, no matter who may take the dominating part, it shall remain with him to his death and afterwards take another owner, maybe better. After the Polish campaign in 1939 still a child, he was ready to close a pact with the devil, his soul for alliance against Hitler, yet the devil remained not interested in the offer. Maybe now his soul would be more valuable and he got this bloody monster.

In the next hours he went and alternately ran a scrap, rested going and run once again on change. This way at the start, he advanced fast enough. Now he run only symbolic, a few unsteady steps, not able keep a straight line and walked not much better. He was not sweating any more and had a dry mouth, would give the entire world for a mug of water. The direction he kept instinctively after the sun, but for moments losing the consciousness where and why he goes. The pain of the backbone was unbearable, not in any separated places, but spread and covered the whole body. Fixing by sight the following places, he persuaded himself he shall go only so wide and not any more and next choose a next place and so on. He was dimly aware, that once falling down he would not have the strength to get up.

At least in a certain moment he heard before, a rater low voice: - Stop! Who goes? – And from a side came an impression of metallic click. He held on and took the hands up. Only now, he realized, that he does not know the parole for today. For all he was worth he tried to catch up his troop, but he never though about the details.

Now, he wanted to say: - A polish soldier; your own! – But from his mouth, he managed only an unrecognizable screech.

What language does he talk? – Another voice asked from a direction, where before he heard probably the click of a cook. This is neither German nor Polish. -

He tried again and this time croaked: - Water! Water! -

- Stand still and drop the rifle! Do not touch it only let it slip from your arm! – commanded the first voice. And mind, do not take any violent movements. Well, now take tree steps forward, but hold your hands up. –

After dropping the rifle, Angus felt still weak, but strangely light. From a bush emerged a man aiming at him a rifle, the other with a handgun got around him in rear and searched him without haste.

- Doesn't have any other weapon, only cartridges in the pockets and these rags behind the shirt. Strange, he does not have even a knife (he lost it in the ditch). Surely, the Germans try again to pester in some Russ turncoats aping the refugees to spy on us, and he stole these rags somewhere on the way. Look, how he looks, unlike a human being. This time the Germans exaggerated, envisaging the guerrillas such messy, shoddy beggars. Best, finish him now and there. -

- I am Pole and a soldier, cannot talk. Water! – said indistinctly Angus. However, some words must hit the first man, because he repeated: - He cannot talk; give him some water. -

I am sparing the rest for later and I want to drink a longtime, why waste it on such muck – grumbled the second, but served a half-full bottle. In the first second, Angus could not swallow and a mouthful ran down his face but the next returned him to life, he regretted every lost bead. He returned the empty bottle exactly when the owner said: - hey, not all of it, do leave some -. If with difficulty, he was able to talk, but his head reeled. He served his alias, his squad and pseudo of the commander and that was all, he said he can't to tell more.

- It shows on his face that he lies. The Germans try again to set a spy, they were many such before – reasoned with strong country accent the thickset second soldier, looking as a native strong man, who searched Angus. Why take a problem with transport and care, click the spy and may he rest in peace. –

These words hardly reached Angus at all, he had such an impression, as if he would be in cinema and there was talk about another person.

- I do not know the parole (password) for today, but this happens sometimes and do you treat all which come without a password this way? I say the straight truth and it is possible to verify all this. I know yesterday parole and this check. Doesn't it? -

- A sure thing, - answered the taller of the two soldiers with a rifle and so soundly sunburned, that his face was much darker than his hair. - And you, "Weak" do calm a little; if this bird would be a spy, we have the more the duty to lead him to the officer and interrogation. But you – he again turned to Angus – still didn't tell, why you are here and you squad floats we even don't know where, but sure faraway. Why you do not know the actual parole?

- I lost myself in the night and from the morning tried to catch up my troop, but failed somehow. – Angus felt, that he told this rather unconvincing and awakened again suspicion, but he was at his wits end with thinking and not able to reason correct. He could only repeat: - it is possible to check it all -.

- A sure thing, but it must wait. We cannot move for a time, because behind us are the sentries and our commander and we are the link, our duty is to transfer the reports. We stay here, till the sentries came back and there comes our platoon chief and dismiss us. Until this you stay with us, but without weapon.-

- I shall better bind his hands – said the "Weak".

Yet the taller with the rifle only grinned. – Do calm, "Weak" you see after all, he is quite finished off. Even if he was at his best and fresh, you could always take two such boys on his back and lift them to the commandant, despite their entire defense. There is no need to tie him up, only – he looked at Angus – you better sit there and do not stand up if not allowed. If you want anything, better call us, if not, you can met some distress to you. -

- May I lay down? –

- You may, but remember, call us if you want get up. -

Angus, accepting, the decision, choose a most sunny spot, because although the day was warm, even sweltering so now and he only dried up from sweat, he shivered from cold. A strange association came to his mind from the time of former disease, as if he expected a drip injection of glucose.

- And what may be this cannon you brought? – asked the "Weak", who took in hands and examined the rifle – does it shoot at all?

- Sometimes. It is a semiautomatic rifle, with ten partridges. –

- Aha, a "dziesiat'bojka" ("ten-hit"). From Russia? –

- Not exactly, this is an old one from the former war. Now they make different.–

- How does it work? –

- Let me show you – Angus rather vague extracted his hand in the general direction, but the "Weak" took away the gun quick.

- I am not so stupid. Better, do not try such funny jokes, it may be unhealthy. -

- So how can I show it to you? Better wait, till the problem clears and you have to return my rifle – he said. From the moment he stretched, he had an impression he floats, the waves rocking his body and it was impossible to concentrate any longer, not to say, say something, with a sense. He was losing just the contact, fell down, closed eyes and the world ceased to exist.

He woke up, shaken at the shoulder.

- Something is rotten, but not in any distant kingdom, it stinks right here. The platoon chief should come to dismiss us long ago, but there is none message. The last one concerned some big skirmish backwards and he has taken some boys to go there, nobody returns and we wait and wait. Listen, if you do guide the Germans, better say this now and you may have a chance to save you life. Because if they show now, with my regrets I see not any other possibility as bump you off as first. The "Weak" advises to do so for a time, but now it looks as if he has a point. –

- I would do about the same for the Germans, as you do. If you determined to bump me off, why did not do this when I slept. I had already enough for a day and everything is the same to me now, I do not care – said Angus and in this moment, it was so.

However, he did not slept again and slowly returned to the consciousness. He began to straighten and stretch his body, which ached, but moved and he began to feel alive. After a few minutes he asked: - may I stand up and pour off? –

- No, better do not move from the place. If you want to piss, you can do it there, sitting or stretched along, then roll off a bit and it will be fine. This is not a society salon. -

After rolling of, Angus recovered still more, he remembered all and could think clearly and in meantime tried his hands, legs, twist his head, massage the neck and back. It still ached, but he felt, that returning to active life is pleasant and that soon he would be able to stand up again.

With capacity of logical thinking, it got to him what he heard. Both of the boys looked as if getting nerves. Could they shot him? Rather funny, to die now after all he was trough, already, as he believed to be past the danger. But in fact his story wasn't looking probable, he should invent something better, for example he is coming back after some task, not exactly true, but this would he explain to his commander afterwards. He came here in such bad condition, that his mind did not work proper and awoke suspicions. Now, if something serious and unexpected happened, he may pay this with life. At least – he thought – I justified my existence and if I die now, it will be a fast and easier death, than I expected only some hours before. Stupid, but from better hands. –

- Half an hour more and we must go warn the troops. You have to go with us, but now the situation changed and we must tie your hands. If something bad happens, we must do our duty and if with regrets, finish with you. You slept like a dead bull and I hardly believe that you may be a German spy, but we have not the right to endanger the whole squad. It looks, as if only us insure now the whole rear. –

- Do you have a smoke, "Scythe"? – asked the muscular "Weak". –

- You know well enough, that no sentry is allowed to smoke. However, I have a loaf of bread which I want not take back, so we may divide it.–

- Not for me, I could not eat now. –

- I could – interrupted Angus – very much so. It there is some difficulty, I shall willfully devote me for this task. –

- The "Weak" sneered, but "Scythe" continued – sure thing, it will be enough for tree slices. If you, "Weak", will not eat, you may give your portion to him. It would be a sin to waste bread. –

Angus tried to eat slowly, to bite at every single fragment and crack accurately each little bit, but anyway completed as the first.

- This saved my life – he said finally.

- Aha, so maybe it would be better to give you nothing, and there would be not a possible problem in the future. -

However, the problem solved anyway. Exactly in time came the platoon-chief, officer-cadet "Ego" with orders that they may go, he dismissed already the sentries. Ego leading a patrol went a long way back to investigate what happened there, which took more time they expected. They found nothing serious and assumed, the Kalmucks probably organized a performance with much shooting. A bit strange, because there are many Germans around and Kalmucks usually did not organize fake skirmishes in such a neighborhood, but maybe the pause already was too long.

The "Scythe" reported, that an unknown person, passing oneself for a guerrilla, arrived, they disarmed him and detained. "Ego" told to bring him, however Angus explanation didn't satisfy him and he demanded to know exactly, which way Angus came and especially become pissed off, why the sentries didn't hold him before and how he managed to slip trough. As Angus failed to describe this, in fact did not know and notice anything, the atmosphere became more and more tense. Angus asked to for transfer to his troop to disposition of his commander, but this irritated "Ego" even more.

- If you are a soldier, you should know how to report correct, maybe? –

- Yes, sir! Private "Mara", II Company, II battalion, II regiment of the II Division Infantry of Legions ()…reports at you orders! – Usually he would omit the long litany, mentioning only the company and battalion, still Angus tried to behave formally as never before. In fact he had a poor knowledge of the matter, but wanted finally satisfy this asshole. -

- Who is you commander? –

- Second lieutenant "Forester", sir! –

- I understand you served before to the corporal "Scythe" another name?

- Yes, sir! I mentioned the name of our battalion commander. The commander of the II Company is Second lieutenant "Forester". -

- Do you know at all the proper posture? Stand at attention! -

Angus has some difficulty standing at all and a serious problem to stand at attention. The fact, that he got up and could move a bit, was a great progress. He discovered for a time, that if he resists his bottom leaning on something, or even presses his backbone with hands, he might act better. However, without this a sharp pain pierced him alternating. He could take the pain and still take possession of his body. Yet at times, the unexpected agony reduced his speech and reasoning ability, so he tried to prevent this and it looked, as if he stood nonchalantly putting his hands behind the back.

He could not explain this, because "Ego" moved close to him, screaming without stops: - You broken…p… fucked in the…. Napoleon, I said stay at attention and you…This was only the beginning, followed by a bunch so colorful and imposing it really swindled. - Of course, if only in the professional school the boys faced each other's with curses and abuses, he too used sometimes up to 50% of dirty words. Of course, he read about officers mixing the soldiers with mud language, but this happened before the war. Yet with the "Gloomy", who cursed extremely rare and almost never used dirty words, the fashion changed locally. Men who met him, or only trying to keep such appearances, changed bad language for more simple. Angus too, if pretending nothing, found it rational.

So, Angus knew the vocabulary, but never listened the dirty words on such top level and at other opportunity would hear this with amazement and admiration. Yet he never had the experience; the officer, taking advantage of his rank gave him a tongue-lashing, which he must accept with respect, standing at attention. To tell it straight, Angus appeared lost, how to behave. He never heard about scolding the soldiers in guerrilla and believed, this could happen only in the ancient times, before the war. Now he was in a quite another army of the citizens type and this were the last words to react with hands, not with mouth, to the insults. Angus was not sure, if this is not a test and he must react to defend his honor, a supposition so stupid, it could really end badly.

Finally, Ego never stopping moved so close, nose to nose, that Angus felt a little drop of saliva on his face and tough: if he strikes me, I must strike back, whatever the outcome. Never mind that he looks as if he cold made a marmalade of me even when I was in my best form. "Ego" looked in fact fit, moved fast, elastic and aggressively, with an extravagant certitude, which was in his case fully justified. As they said in the time – he had the appearance of "a true pistol". Angus wanted no confrontation, but his experience from boy's age told him, better take the worst beating, that lose the face.

Suddenly the cry stopped with "Ego" still crowding Angus and obviously waiting for a response to some question or errand. Angus was at loss, preparing himself for action, did not catch the meaning. He opened his mouth, shut it and recited without any sense:

- atquita -composi -taspar-vocur -vamine -fllexit, -utve -rasimi - tetur - a-ves. - (The association came from his own back with a "parvo curvamine")

"Ego" twinkled in amazement and unexpectedly a shadow of smile appeared on his face.

- Yeah really, - he said, - would it be: - PuerI - carus - una stabat? – …

- etigna -russua- se-tractarepe - ricla...- And in fact, Angus didn't know, how serious was the danger he was in.

- The high school in Ostrowiec? – asked "Ego". – Do we have a common Latin teacher? –

- I don't know neither Ostrowiec, nor any person living there. – Angus used the conventional formula.

- This may be enough – told "Ego" his men, - I checked only the surface, but I am sure he is not a Russ and no damn German agent. Probably he may be our colleague in guerrilla, but this I cannot warrant. Let us escort him to our troop and there ends our responsibility. I think the command orders to supply him to his troop and maybe his commander crucifies him there. It they tell you to go with him, I can give you a change, because if I am right, his battalion may be about seven km away in this direction - he showed with hand. - You are fresh after duty and probably fatigued.-

Anyway, the "Weak" remained not fully convicted on their way: - Only this, that someone memorized a fragment of prayer in Latin, is not a proof, he is good and proper. Remember, that I disarmed him and now I shall carry his rifle. You have your own, and this one would pass very well to my hands. If it turns out he is a bad one and deserves to die, the weapon should be mine. -

- Would you like to shot a colleague, because his gun pleases you? –

- Eee, sure not, but only if he is in fact our colleague. -

"Scythe" was a person holding the most upright, straight position Angus saw in his life. When he noticed, how the bent Angus looks at him, he thrown in good-humored: - It twisted you a bit, what? If you had the opportunity to reap cereals or cut the grass, only a few weeks and a few hours a day, you would walk as straight as I. - Seeing Angus surprise he added: - You though, a "Scythe", because sharp? In realty I mow not too bad, in fact never met one, who would be able to cut greater rig of grass in one day, or overcame me end getting first in a field. Sometimes I did return on evening with about as much in pain, as you may feel now. In the mornings, it was a pleasure, but at the evenings you feel different, at times to walk to the house was a problem. My advice is, don't stop and it will get over.

- As you see, he is the "Weak" in order it would be hard to guess of whom we speak, but I the "Scythe", by contrast easy. Concerning "Ego" we already tempered him, former he was worse. He learned to be an officer in an officers' school of artillery. Now he scants after the cannons, but we have not any and this makes him nerves. He roars a lot, but also gives a lot of milk, I mean, there is a lot of benefits from him. The main, you can always rely on him in bad moments and this reckons.

The second lieutenant "Forester" was a man of average height with blonde, rather rare hair and walked in boots with tops, although not exactly shinning. He did not stammer, but happened a bit (at moment) out of speech, so he talked laconic, brief and businesslike. The slight flaw was the modulation, he spoke "o" like "wo" (polish ło) and this exploded with big push, stressing w, like "wwo". Nevertheless he has a knack to talk with people, short, matter of fact, almost impersonal, but touching with his finger the essential problem and direct them, being a natural, born leader. Angus, although he met such a great hero as Ponury ("Gloomy"), in former life, if he ever had to direct people, tried to follow the example of "Forester", but sure was not able to.

It is a fact, only the TV standardized but also made poorer the flexibility and color of Polish language, transforming it into a sort of affected affectionate sham. The contemporary differences in articulation and intonation were greater, but natural and tolerated if sometimes evoking a light smile, but not comment. Top educated people kept the colorful talk, from birthplace or picked up locally from their childhood. For example the director of Ostrowiec high school before and after the war and director of secret school in conspiracy, a Doctor of Philosophy and humanist pronounced the letter "s" as "z" and this with a very heavy, rattling accent. His "jeZZZdem" instead of "jestem" (I am) mimicked students with a similar smile, as "ło" (wo) of the "Forrester".

They told about this later an anecdote, how once explaining a tactics exercise to the men, he draw on the sand a vertical line and said: this is a "łoś" (wosi, meaning in Polish an elk). Some soldier in wonder asked: I do not understand. What is it, colleague lieutenant?

- Well, I said a łoś (wosi)!

Now more astonished voices: - But in our district, there are none elks in the forest! – And "Forester" explained: I say łoś, łoś, łoś marszu łoddziału ("wosi marshu woddziawu") meaning axis of the troop's march.

In fact a similar anecdote told the students in the High School, where he became later a teacher. This should happen on a lecture of physic and he explained "łoś and łoś" as "łoś rzędnych and łoś łodciętych" (axis of ordinates and axis of abscissas), not two elks on the crossing, as some may think in first moment. Anyway, the chance of two similar misunderstandings was low, so it must be a joke; like the known proverb "łodyndź łobuzie łod łokna".

"Forrester" born in a village as son of a plain peasant, finished the schools and a Technical University in Lwów and the Officer Cadets School. As an Engineer of Mechanics, after the compulsory practice found a position in one of the factory of armaments in COP, where he wanted to work, exactly as the war exploded. He went on the war as Officer-Cadet, tried according to his power, but carried out nothing special. After the campaign, he did not report to the arm factory, but returned to his village. Soon it became clear, the occupants will not allow for an education of Poles beyond the elementary school. (Only as much as was necessary to the labor force for the German economics). As in result the secret schools started, he began to teach physics and chemistry there.

Shortly he received a proposal to use the military education in the organized by the ROCH – Polish Peasantry Movement, now organizing the military branch, Chłostra, in the future the name changed to BCh – Peasants Battalions. The lack of trained officers was a problem and a man, who had both military and technical education, a valuable acquisition.

Right at the start he advanced to a rank of second lieutenant in BCh, which after the consolidation (unification) confirmed the Home Army. On the other hand, the first advance prevented him next in a further promotion. He volunteered to guerrilla and practiced in the best, besides the "Ponury" troop, elite group of "Wybranieckich" ("the chosen, selected"). He earned the experience and expertise and in meantime the KW (Cross for bravery; to earn a Virtuti it was necessary a luck, the courage and personal engagement insufficient). As an officer with a good report, he became transferred to the new forming troops, but still only in the former rank, second lieutenant.

The lack of promotion in rank left him indifferent. Contrary, he would be happy if he could as before lead directly the people, his former platoon, sharing with them the danger and not command the company. To decide about the life-and-death of others and look, how the men die without taking their risk, at least not in the same degree, was worse. However, being a sober peasant son, with calm, sound reason he did not dramatize the situation, simply did the expedient an indispensable, if not content.

Using the professional terminology he noticed, the half-life period of the guerrilla soldiers amounts to about a half year, but does not spread equivalently. The first months lowered the average, at the time the mortality was greatest. However, if a soldier survived the first months, then the forecasts period grew, even to over one year if he lasted the firs half. In fact, this was not a revelation, similar events became known for example from the trench warfare in WW I and all wars.

The evident conclusion being, that it is possible to reduce the mortality rate this way, he decided to use possibly only the experienced men for the current actions and patrols. And hold back the hot fools in the rear as long as possible, at least for the first months.

Usually he applied the old, experienced methods, in the talk with soldiers he held to the custom use the word "colleague". Allowed to title him "lieutenant, sir" only on limited, public occasions in the presence of "etrangers" (alien; as mentioned, with organization of the great units, this manner returned to the prewar, traditional army pattern). Besides, he further limited to give orders, applying in practice the principle, the commander perform his work best if he would not be necessary at all. Meaning, he may have full confidence to his people, at least the already experienced. To say it short, he believed that a free association of the skilled professionals is better, more productive, as traditional instrument held strong in one hand.

This day he got a report about the absence of one of the younger soldiers. This was not important, because he considered the new gain men had not a great value for the troop. If they have to crumble out, better early than later. However, he did not understand something. If this were a desertion, so needless, because if the delinquent came and said simply, he cannot manage, the task is to more for him, or maybe there is a disease, he would dismiss him anyway. All the people he commanded were volunteers; often happened, he could not find place for the newly arriving, but sometime too a soldier wanted out. It happened usually from some important causes and for a limited time only. The final decision rested on the commander of battalion, but if he supported such a plea, and this he did not because of any sentiment but from practical reasons, he never met with a rejection. Sometimes it could be necessary to wait for the decision.

So logically, there existed not ground for a desertion. On the other side, there was not any other explanation. The soldier stood up early, taking with him only the rifle and got away, as he did often before taking exercises with the gun, but this time never returned. He could not lose the way, because he should not go far. Could not met with an accident, anyway they searched the next terrain and even for a time, left a patrol there. Well, that being so, probably it was a small loss, the only marginal left over would be, that he in the next future should hear unpleasant comments from other officers. Especially the older, from regular army, wanted a strong push of military discipline in his company. Anyway, he was a salt in eyes of some. However, being always effective with his company and until now having a good mark at the battalion commander, he could pay not much attention to such remarks. Now he may hear a hell lot more of them.

After several days of exhausting, double marches, the today task was easier, maybe because they came near the forest end. Somewhere in near area was Spała, the rest place and a small hunting palace of the former President of Poland, Ignacy Mościcki. Anyway, they approached the river Pilica. That is why the commander of the II Division, a lieutenant colonel (or maybe already at the time a full colonel "Lin") and commander of the whole Kielce Corps, colonel "Mieczysław" considered plans for crossing the river. They stopped and sent around reconnaissance's patrols. Now the battalion and its II Company quartered almost in luxury, occupying places in a village. Or rather a pair of villages, because the II Company went to a group of huts, which presented a detached village having a separate name, if in fact remaining in territorial integrity.

The men arrived on a relative early afternoon and had much time to find easy places, mostly in barns, some preferred stables or even huts. "Forrester" occupied one room in a hut, but not for his personal quarter, rather for the Company post, it became a grinding mill of the current troop affairs. First, he ordered all men to take maximum rest, because as all he was sure, tomorrow or the day after begins the final big fetch and they were already at end of their strength. The next important matter was the provision, which now was not a problem, because the farmers came themselves willingly with offers. Nevertheless, it would be better to plan already for tomorrow and a few next days. The guerrilla, even more so a regular army division, could not take food compulsory and in any conditions they should paid for all. This was a fixed rule, with no exceptions.

In the time of the hottest bustle came a report the missing soldier arrived. He went around the forming themselves 7 Division (of Częstochowa) that accounted as for now little over one thousand people but was still growing, in early infancy. Two soldiers from the battalion "Centaur" escorted him disarmed, but brought also his rifle. They ask for identification of the man and confirmation by the commander. "Forester" curious, what happened and how, left the hut and told the aiding soldier, if nothing urgent comes, temporary sent away the attendees. He went to an outhouse, a wood magazine, thanked the escort and confirmed Angus identify. Next took his rifle and pointed to the door to the outhouse, wanting a talk eye to eye. In the outhouse was only one, rather dirty window and dark, so he left the door open wide and rested or rather resisted on a high, narrow table under the window, among saws and other instruments for woodcutting. Showing for a tree stumble for Angus to sit on, he said:

- Well, colleague, I have not much time, so let us forget the formalities. Tell me all, but only the essential, as much as is necessary to understand, not only the facts, but also the why. -

Angus told that he in early morning went to do the daily exercises with the rifle, neglected in the last days. Being tired, sat down for a moment and must slept in and waking saw, that meantime the company went away. He tried to follow them (he almost said at an angle to the axis of troop's march, but in time bit his tongue). However, this unspoken phrase like a flash cleared in his mind, why he came away so wide from his Company quarters. He went primary after the azimuth to sun and started well, but afterwards in almost semi-conscious state, walking and occasionally running deadly exhausted, did not correct the angle, considering the sun movement. In short, he traveled not by a direct line, but made an arch and so finally got on the position of Włoszczowa battalion. Next, because he did not know the password for today, they detained him and brought under escort.

- Well, colleague – said "Forester" – I see in your report some blanks or shortages. Look only at the weapon; it is obvious, that somebody shoot from the rifle today. Do you want to say, that you exercises went so realistic, but we slept rigid and heard nothing? Or, maybe you shoot in your sleep? Or, maybe coming awake, after our departure, you wanted to signal, to make us wait? The second thing is your appearance. If the escorts put on your head a crown of thorns and left you to carry this weight of carbine instead of a cross, it would look like somehow familiar. Without these details, you only look like a something the cat found on a garbage place. Or a last character of a bum, who is to ordain out of the city, or maybe out of the army. When I had to concede for you, I literally had to close my eyes from shame. So, do not treat me like an idiot, right? -

Angus from the first second considered, how much of the truth disclose, all or only the version shortened and simplified as presented. Now he decided to open more, not only because that he was not sure if his doing was sensible or foolhardy and seeking subconscious anxiety and evaluation. In addition, he thought, that his commander really has the right to know, what happened. Only his personal thoughts, impressions and motives were immaterial and belonged not to the "res gestae", so he could better omit them. He repeated the former version, adding that all he told is a genuine truth, but not all. Adding more details, he told he went to the border of the meadow and hidden in the ditch shot two Germans with SS scull and bones attending a machine gun. Afterwards the other soldiers, between whom he remarked no more German soldiers, begun disorderly shooting around and in this chaos, he managed to recede.

- What age you are – unexpectedly asked "Forester"

- Eighteen years – answered Angus.

- I already asked you, not consider me a fool. –

- In a short time; now seventeen – but when the "Forester" said nothing, looking steady at him, he corrected – I wanted say, seventeenth. And after a moment:

- It is true; I swear to God, I did complete sixteen long ago - (it was 2 months ago).

- I guessed you are still puerile. Listen, you should never to tell this to me. At times, everyone has to take a personal decision, when and what his conscience demands, but then never-never divide the liability, sharing the responsibility with others. Remember for future life, you decide in you own conscience and if you regard something must be done, then do it, but next, be you own judge.

- Do you know, what I should do, if I would hear all what you said? I had to send you under the court-martial, eventually report it to my superior chief, who should do this duty. I doubt, if the court would issue the sentence of death on you, maybe it would be even a medal. On the other side, you know we have now many super-number officers without work, some would be happy to get busy and sure you would have much trouble.

- But now, in the last time I'm tired and for a moment I closed my eyes, as you in the morning and heard nothing, not a word got to me. Say it again, you walked of, slept for a moment –and then what – did you chase the troop? -

Then hearing again the shorter report of Angus, he said:

- I understand, you acted very irresponsibly, if not fully aware of effects of you doing. For the good of the whole Company, I can tolerate around only the responsible people, full predicable. I am sure, you do not match these demands and it would be best for the troop, if you leave. Maybe you find another troop, maybe you have colleagues somewhere, try to find another place. I will give you a choice: either I have to dismiss you, or order a serious punishment, it may be even punishing by flogging. It is up to you take your choice. -

A flogging was an unusual punishment, considered disgracing and dishonorable. Angus never saw such case, if hearing about this. It applied in cases of severe neglect of duty, as for example sleeping on sentry service, especially drunk, causing an imminent danger for others. Or, taking away possessions of civil population, not such a lot, that it would qualify as robbery. In short, in a fall, when the culprit deserved not outright a bullet, but there would be an alternative, if he would repeat his doing. The last chance before going to extremes; so or so, an ugly case.

Nevertheless Angus answered, reflecting not one second: - I want stay, whatever follows. – At the time he felt, that whatever may happen, it was worth it.

- Well, that is all for now. I will sleep this over; you also do not decide right now. As for yet, go to rest, but I forbid you to talk about this all to anybody, till I shall issue the final decision. You may say, that is an order. For now, the carbine remains here, but you get it back tomorrow, if you decide to stay after the decision. -

Angus did go to the barn, explained shortly, that he is suspended and not allowed to talk about the matter till tomorrow The commander called Angus only late afternoon. This time in the chamber was present Angus' platoon chief and one more noncommissioned officer, who left, dealing with provision and economics arrangement. "Forrester" ordered Angus to repeat his last version of events and decided, giving Angus a choice, proscription (dismissal) from troop or 25 lashes, the so-called rubbers.

This was ugly punishment, as example for serious offense as drunken while on guard (sentry) would be about 10 – 15 lashes, punishment over 25 never applied to soldiers. Punishments with 25-40 lashes applied to the informers, clearly not the Gestapo confidantes, such had to be shot outright, as danger to the society. Yet sometimes happened, that one neighbor hated another and denounced him to the occupants, or only squeaked, blabbed, squealed, never thinking what may be the result. He may tell about any offense, from cheating by compulsory contingent to knowledge of buried weapons or helping the Jews. (This does not include hiding them, it was public knowledge it means an immediate execution, but some trivial help, like selling or giving food.) The culprit may be not aware of it, but after the German codex even the slight offenses could be - "mit dem Tode bestraft" – punished with death. Or with Concentration camp, or "only" a heavy beating at the interrogation, sometime with a deadly result, as in the mentioned in Chapter 8 case of Ian Misior. Not always, it was exactly a plain treason, betrayal of the nation and danger to the community, only the extreme stupidity, so the capital penalty (bullet) would be overreacting. Anyway, as a mean doing it deserved disciplining with beating, up to 40 lashes, because all believed, 40 is the maximum a person can suffer without permanent damage. Anyway, this maximum reserved for the so-called hyenas, blackmailers and bandits, who robbed the Jews, threatening them with Germans, it they resist or do not cooperate, or do not pay ransom. Naturally, only those, who only threatened, but really did not cooperate with the Germans, because if they did, they deserved a bullet.

Capsule: The bad nature.

The notes on the last page do not present the Polish society in the best light. However, this was never the purpose of the author, only showing the genuine, unsweetened view, the truth even if bitter. Polish People are not any better to other nations and didn't behave any better, than people in other occupied countries did. Everywhere the percent of the bad deviants is about similar, the people do not differ much. The cases of treason, collaboration with the occupants and of doing wrong not for the sake of cooperation with the enemy, but to use them to take his private ugly revenge happened rarely than in the rest of Europe. Well, but it came so because first of the strong pressure of public opinion and next of the organized forms of civil defense. Such a function granted from the first start the guerrilla. The mentioned before battling not only with the occupants but also the tolerated by the occupants brigands was cause of sympathy plain people' to the guerilla. From the second half of 1944 there was organized a special service of the Home Army, called first SOP (Service for the rising protection) and next KB (Corps of the Surety), substituting the role of gendarmerie. Unfortunately, the last name in the years of the communistic regime swindled to a pejorative meaning, as the Office of Surety (UB) or the Surety Service (SB), created by the Communists, functioned as a further continuation of Gestapo.

Well, but what about the the beating? It happened sometimes, certainly not a point for pride, but it is necessary to understand, the Polish secret justice was unable to hold prisons. There was nothing between, only kill the culprit or let him free. Therefore, the physical punishment, if not to suitable for free people, appeared as a warning for silly people not to enter the bad way.

Angus prepared for the worst, sure was not cheerful at all. Nevertheless, he said again, as yesterday: - I stay, accepting any punishment. -

- Well, but there is a problem – said "Forester – In the next time we go to battle. Maybe today, we have to cross the river Pilica, probably somewhere near the Nowe-Miasto, I got orders to inspect the terrain closer the river. In such circumstances, I decide to delay the execution, because this would result in inability for service and battle. However, the delayed does not mean lost forever, do not regret the occasion now, you have it as in a bank, after we shall have some quiet days. –

- In another circumstances you should got one more severe reprimand, for not cleaning proper the rifle. Take it now to do it immediately, but afterwards let it for me, I want to inspect this. The weapon is yours and you shall get it back today about the evening, but for the time left it here, in the chamber. You may clean it right here, on the doorsteps. -

Some time after, when "Forester" was leaving, he stopped watching Angus work and said:

- You are already sitting, but better sit now firm. I have heard now, that in one of the Kalmucks squad, following us resulted yesterday a skirmish. Two Germans got shoot dead and some Kalmucks wounded, at least one fatally. The presumed cause is, these Germans had shot some time before several Kalmucks, as they helped them to attack with a fire support, but doing this inaccurately. This whole squad was disarmed by the Germans and then transported back. I think, it means a definite end for them. -

– Now you may understand what I told you about a personal decision and liability, responsibility and conscience. I met such problems often, although I concede, usually on a smaller scale. Talking in private, I regret the poor sons of a bitch. It they had a pinch of reason, after such an incident they should never return to the Germans, but communicate with us. Surely, we would accept them, if only because of their armament. With all this what they had, we could create an extra battalion and they would still have enough barrels for themselves. We have some of former Russian POW in our troops already.–

The prospect of a harsh retribution and the reprimand became unimportant in comparison to the probable results of Angus doing. A huge tragedy and death hundreds of people, (in his imagination, because despite all his future attempts he could never get to any exact data) weighted heavy and long on his conscience.

Returning to the troop he was half dead from exhaustion and not fully conscious, but already in stadium of euphoria, after overcoming, he believed successful, the worst crisis in his short life. Now came a shocking realization of liability to the people wronged, who got the bad end of the whip. Well, not a whip, whip was a nothing, rather the wrong side of a barrel. He did not answer any questions, did not talk even to his friend, the rest of the day he just kept as if hit with an ax on the head. The next day was about the same; it missed from his memory. He dimly recollected that they moved, but only a short distance and the officer still did not return his rifle, but all the details were somehow unreal, as if concerning another person.

Capsule: A question of conscience. Bishop Berkeley and the infantryman's complex. Common sense, reality and fantasy.

All predominated an awful belief, well, certitude, the worst scenario exactly happened. All he knew about manner of German acting left no doubt about their reactions. There was not a grain of doubt; he became an involuntary cause of many deaths. The people concerned were turncoats, put on the enemy uniforms, but were not true enemy, rather poor, unhappy devils blamed for a bad fate mainly. He wanted not attack these unfortunate beast, yet he caused their murder. They also wanted not to kill around, they became extracted forcible from their houses, commanded to an alien country and put on an impossible position, accounted from start on as a total loss. In short betrayed and defected by a terrible regime, which ruled them and finally throw as a quarry to a second, exactly as bad monster. This next monster not simply killed them, but tormented, tortured beyond any endurance, as cruel, as never happened in the history of human race.

They endured worse atrocities than the Jews in part because they were stronger physically and could bear more, hold out longer. He saw by his own eyes the two fates and could compare the terrible deaths, if the misery and pain can be compared at all. If in some of them prevailed the natural instinct of survival even at the price of treason, primary they were betrayed by their authorities and their inhumane regime. If they tried in spite of everything to stay by life of misery, this fact only made from them yet not the criminals. It was him, acting egocentrically, seeing only his problems, he stupid, he silly, he obtuse that never comprehended, what he makes to other people.

Some analogy: one troop, the left-over of regular Polish Army commanded by major Hubal survived the campaign of 1939 and fought successfully through the winter 1940 to Mai, when the French Army was expected to overcame (but instead incurred disaster). The Hubal squad wanted to be the last troop of Polish army fighting and then the first to welcome the allies and all the time remained victorious. But the Germans incinerated in revenge the villages, where the Hubal troop stopped and murdered the civil population.

A similar example was Michniów, where Angus stayed some days, wanting to volunteer to the Ponury troop, but the attempt came to nothing as he got ill and got driven back to his parents and home. A few days after the Germans incinerated this village and murdered out the civil population.

Also he did seen a house in Ostrowiec, where supposedly a Jewish family took cover, a place branded to the ground with all inhabitants killed. Could anybody accuse for the many deaths Hubal, Ponury or the mentioned Jew instead of the occupants? Absurd, the victims fell by a felony, not because they did anything. The cause was, they lived at the wrong time and place, defenseless, they felons could murder them easy and so they did. It was like, as if someone attacked and shot at unexpectedly on a street, should felt responsible, because he survived and around him died others.

On the other side, it is public knowledge, that Hubal met such events with a terrible despair. Ponury too; many said, his personal bravery was in fact a determined seeking of death. The unknown Jew died, shot instantly and had no more problems, but if he by chance survived, should he felt guilty for his bad luck? Marginally, even Angus had a personal experience. He fell in a long depression, looking at himself as a messenger of bad luck, a person which steps follows death, which was neither logical nor sensible. One could say, an offense to intelligence.

The underground press discussed a longtime the case of repressions. They came to conclusion, that active fighting does not increase, but contrary, reduces the number of dead. The occupant started killing the civil population first without any reason, only to terrorize them and continued the murders accordingly to his production potential. With an active fighting, the criminals do not murder so easily, their efficiency drops. In fact, this confirmed further experience.

Another example was the case of the Polish Jews. All their men able to military service went far away, first to the Soviet Zone, next, arrested, to Siberia and finally on the way around the world. The remaining community, the elderly and children, the women and disabled men could not resist. In effect, the occupants murdered them all in spite of this, that they never did anything against Germany. Exactly the fact, they could not fight back and fulfilled all German orders was not a point for them, but contrary. They occupants never spared, but routed all, because there lived easy victims. The heroic last minute rising in Warsaw Ghetto and several others, less known, had a great moral importance, but could change not the fate, there was to less of the fighters.

In fact the Nazi introduced the regular terrorist methods into their pattern as a regular part of planning and governing on millions people they subjected. The whole state' organization they based on terror. This, what we now see of terrorist actions, is only a small beer.

Considering these facts, it is sure, that if he let himself to be shot on the place, where he shot the two Germans, with SS scull and bones, it would not change in the least the fate of the Kalmucks.

The Germans would only throw out his cadaver and anyway continue with the executions. They applied the procedure of collective responsibility and this certainly was an exemplary case. In the middle of the underdogs died two superhuman, it was immaterial who committed the deed. All present must be punished. If only to teach the - use the word allies or maybe the turncoats or whatever you like - that a life of German soldier is worth much more, than the life of the serving them subhuman. Two devils, valuable, trained killers, perished between the tormented souls, which they should also change into devils or send to hell. Intolerable!

Several times he tried, fresh and after years, seek an information what happened to the troop, but without a slightest success; he didn't even know the name of the unit he wanted find. Knowing the German manner of acting, it was a simple guess, what happened. In the fairest case, the Kalmucks would become decimated, several teens shot and the rest, as "Strafcompanie" (punitive troop), directed to a high danger task. In the worst, all of them killed as example to others. But the most probable variant was, after dissolving the troop officially they shot all, but in secret, some men after interrogation, they chosen and transferred to another such troops. They needed informers and provocateurs, probably with changed names. They would tell them, that they have already a big black spot and may remain alive only, if they prove themselves efficient and useful to the Great Germany, being the most vile and mean beasts.

Whatever told him the common reason, this left a heavy impact on the conscience of Angus. He never had regrets over the two SS-men he killed, but causing the death of a lot, some innocent people, was quite another matter. Certainly, each person doing wrong, tries to whitewash himself, but the sense of blame remains in spite of all justifications. That being so, he could only do what all bad men do, try to forget, to erase the memory.

On the base of this conclusion, it would be possible to say that Angus had an unbalanced and weak psyche. He alternatively came from a euphoria to a black depression, alternating felt as better and superior or backed to a feeling of inferiority. Sometimes he would accept that he has no right for any place on the earth and the world without him would be better. In part, it was true. But on the other side, the young boys fail to evaluate right, both themselves as the world around, their scale of value changes. They had to live in a group; this is the only way they can compare with other similar individuals. Angus lived lonely between the adults and books, the most important being the information he could read and he could not recognize the difference between reality and fantasy. Besides, many times it was impossible to realize the pattern from books and this was the source of frustration. Anyway, the simple hysteria was only the beginning.

For many years, Angus lived with a great sense of blame; only after decades he got access to information, that changed this attitude.

In truth, Angus never had any more influence on the fate of Soviet POW, alike or even less as on the fate of Jews. Possibility to change anything existed only in his imagination. Rather like the known anecdote about a mosquito, which sat on the back of a dying elephant, exactly in this moment elephant' legs bent and the mosquito feel a great remorse (they exist many such stories, a little changed).

To explain what happened it is necessary to look again at the, rather trivial, events. In fact, it is a study of several war neuroses.

Analyzing his chances in the critical night Angus assumed, that he is unfit for guerrilla and anyway has weak chances for survival, near to zero. This was his second attempt and he failed again, coming to border of physical endurance. Everything he tried in the last years and in fact, whole life was for nothing, because, he thought, of his low value. He had not a chance to come back; the sole remaining alternative was to perish, better with some enemy. That was, why he remained and penetrated the rest-place of the enemy troop.

From the moment of decision, Angus looked at himself as practically dead, but wanted a deed that would justify his former life. After the first failure of volunteer to guerrilla, when he survived only due to an exceptional lucky coincidence, he did not expect a wonder to happen again. In short, his action resulted not from an excess courage, but on the contrary, from desperation. However, his bad expectations proved premature.

The chances went another way, as he forecast. Probably because of the no-typical sound of the shots, after killing two SS-men with three shots he remained not localized. In the resulting chaos and disorderly shooting, he unexpectedly managed to recede.

The only extraordinary matter, that after accepting his death, hidden in the tight cement tube, which almost became his tomb, he survived an attack of panic, which he explained to himself as claustrophobia, although he never before experienced similar symptoms.

Sure, he run out of a logical state of reasoning, it could as well be another cause, for example a spider or nasty bug. He overcame this one neurosis by another one, imagining a close contact with God by some inner connection.

Reading the history of philosophy Angus met with the conception of Bishop George Berkeley, In short, it sets from a presumption, there is not a proof that any real objects exist, but only the ideas of our mind. Only the impressions are true, the material objects not necessary so, for example we may only sleep our life. Nevertheless, there must be someone, who supplies these impressions into our mind, as if transferring a cassette full of videos. From such reasoning is close to the so-called infantryman's complex, an assumption, that the entire world around us cannot touch us, it is only like a transmission of a show. Also sometimes this accompany a conviction, that in exceptional and important moments a feedback is possible, an intensive wistful thinking may realize in our impressions as in optional movies. This is a known matter, the principles of this neurosis are catalogued, if mostly after the WW I, now there came out of fashion. In fact, Angus experiences were nothing exceptional; people are not too logical and reasonable animals.

About the Kalmucks and all Soviet POW including the turncoats, Angus wished them never harm, thought of them not as true enemies, in short felt empathy. The important point, which he missed and recognized only much later, was that all of them were doomed men. From the about 6,5 million of Soviet POW, about 75% murdered the Germans by orders of Hitler, but the rest after the war KGB by orders of Stalin. It was immaterial if they were guilty or blameless, all who could be sized died in the Gulags and the rest killed right away by a special branch of KGB, the Smert'. Only after dealing with these people, the giant apparatus of hundred thousand of agents changed to use in espionage. The macabre hunt had the priority for years and all-round the globe. Now, if of the 6,5 million survived maybe a pro-mille (o,1 of percent), from the troop meet by Angus, perhaps one could have proportionally a 1 against 5 chance of life. Surely, only if he would become accepted in KGB as useful in contacting and killing another POW. Practically they all were dead men and there was not way to change their fate. Perhaps, if they used the time after Angus action to their advantage and turned sides the second time, coming over to guerrilla, they would have a better chance. Anyway, so it would be to the end of the war. Afterwards the monster governing them would anyway pick and murder the rest.

The suspended punishment never realized. Angus met "Forrester" after the war; they did not mention the theme, but he had an impression, Forrester intended so from the start, it was a sort of probation to get him in order. Nevertheless at the time when he first heard the shattering news, he would feel much better, if it would be the lashing instead.

Feeling blame, of black conscience, lasted a longtime, worst at the beginning, before the new information's and experiences allowed him to recognize the true proportion. It was lucky, that from now he had not time to think and deliberate, the time of daily fighting began. Shortly after, he heard the tales about the cruelty and the murdering craziness o the turncoats in Warsaw. Especially under the command of Kamieński and Dirnlwanger (although Kamieński was not a Russ POW at all, he was really a Hivi and a true monster, advanced to an SS – Brigadefuerer).

Next, many years after the war, he learned more and more about the fate of the Soviet POW.

In short, primary the POW who decided on treason to save their life may have never the worst intents, but between the turncoats resulted a negative segregation. Only the most vile and cruel creatures had a chance for survival, the human beings cut out first. The butchers with best slaughterhouse competence has the best chances, both in German service as afterwards, in Gulags, and some become advanced even to service in KGB.

Many years after, in Torrance Ca., author met such a survivor, who defected from Soviets and got a second identity. The old men played chess and with time, he got a bit talkative, not too much. Anyway, the man sward, he never was and executor, in KGB he worked only in a forensic laboratory and run away, as under Gorbatschow appeared the first opportunity. He talked little; much was a guess, who could understand only one, who saw the times.

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